Osama's Offerings

2011-05-02T20:48:00.004+05:00

I just finished watching season two of 'Sex in the City' That Carrie is really hot. Wouldn't mind seeing her in a skin-tight burqa! I'm looking forward to getting season 3 from Netflix. Hope nothing comes up to spoil my plans.

I have to say I really love it here. The Pakistanis have set me up in a beautiful, secure mansion with all the amenities. There's even a hot tub! What makes this so funny, those stupid stinkin' infidels still think I'm holed up in some stupid mountain cave with no running water! Joke's on them, eh? LOL!!!

And the surround sound system for this 72" HDTV is to die for! In fact, I'm watching 'Hot Shots, Part Deux' right now, Great movie, by the way. That Charlie Sheen is such a great actor. How does he do it? It's almost like he has tiger blood or something. And I love the movie because it shows what a bunch of bumbling fools those American special forces can be. And that helicopter on the screen sounds like it's right outside the living room window!!!

Oops, gotta go. Someone's at the door. Must be the pizza I ordered.

2008-07-30T07:36:00.000+06:00

Cat's NOT In The Cradle

2008-02-09T21:03:00.000+05:00

One of the bad things about having kids is that no matter how much you try to raise them properly, and to instill in them a sense of values, they will still find a way to embarrass you and besmirch the family name.

Such is the case with my son Omar. I have been remembering our times together when he was a wee little terrorist, and trying to figure out where I went wrong. Was I not home enough? Too many nights spent inspiring others to unleash death and mayhem upon innocent people while neglecting my responsibilities as a parent? That idiot infidel singer Harry Chapin had a wrong when he sang:,

"He'd grown up just like me
My boy was just like me."

I should have so lucky.

I truly don't know where I went wrong, but the shame of my failure weighs heavy upon my heart. You see, my little Omar wants to become... (GASP!!!)... a peace activist.

2008-01-05T05:18:00.000+05:00

Gee, Ya Think?

2007-12-29T16:59:00.000+05:00

Here's a newsflash for you: The rocket scientists running the government of Pakistan are now officially blaming Al Qaeda for Bhutto's assassination.

Well, DUH!!!!!

Of course we're responsible! Who else could have done it? Lee Harvey Oswald? John Wilkes Booth?

Unlike George Bush, I'm still relevant. And I plan to be in office for a lot longer than Bush.

Death & Despair To Warm The Cockles Of My Heart

2007-12-29T07:18:00.000+05:00

Are cigars bad for you? If so, I may be in trouble. I've been smoking them like crazy for the last 36 hours or so. At the risk of sounding conceited, I've been congratulating myself for what's been happening in Pakistan the past couple of days. Granted, I may not have personally masterminded the operation, but I like to think I provided the inspiration for it.

Rioting all over country, mobs blaming Musharraf for Benazir Bhutto's death, the death of democracy in Pakistan, and 23 killed in all the pandemonium. What more can someone like me ask for? It's like a Christmas miracle!!!

What I find particularly amusing is all the public wailing that's taking place. If such a traumatic event were to take place in a western country, you wouldn't see all these public displays of despair. I mean, grown men, sobbing and wailing!?!? That's just embarrassing.

But I also have a theory as to why it happens: In western cultures, when such a thing happens, people immediately run inside and sit in front of the TV in an effort to find out what's going on. Everyone's confined to small groups of family members, office mates, or whatever.

But in third world countries--and I would have to place Pakistan in this category--very few people have TV's. Hell, few people even have electricity, for crying out loud! So instead of staying indoors in small groups, everyone flocks to the streets and soon a mass hysteria of sorts spreads through the crowds.

Anyway, that's my take on it. Take it or leave it.... Though if you value your life, I would recommend that you agree with me.

2007-12-16T07:41:00.000+05:00

Well, this is a real pisser. I just got word that the town of Musa Qala in southern Afghanistan has been retaken by those stinkin' infidels. This is particularly inconvenient for me since Musa Qala had the closest Starbucks to where I'm hiding. Granted, it was still a three hour camel ride one way, but I used to undertake the journey on Sunday mornings. Nothing quite like a mocha machiato to start off my day. Plus, they had free public WiFi access.

Anyway, the loss of Musa Qala isn't that big a deal. the town has changed hands several times now, and it's only a matter of time before we retake it yet again.

In the meantime, I guess I'll go back to making tea out of goat piss.

2007-12-07T07:19:00.000+05:00

2007-12-02T07:00:00.001+05:00

2007-11-29T08:16:00.000+05:00

I received more good news this morning.... Word is that Musharraf's army is losing ground to insurgents in western Pakistan. That, of course, happens to be the area where I'm hiding.

This is wildly amusing, especially since Musharraf has tried to justify his emergency powers by saying he need a free hand to battle Islamic radicals.... Or as I prefer to call them, "my buddy list."

2007-11-26T06:47:00.000+05:00

Things are definitely looking up for me in Pakistan. Pervez Musharraf is slowly losing his grip on the country. A few weeks ago, it was former Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto who returned to Pakistan and immediately began to fire up her supporters. And today yet another former prime minister returned. This time it was Nawaz Sharif, the man Musharraf replaced in a 1999 coup.

These developments are both very significant since Musharraf has already said he will resign from the army and rule Pakistan as a civilian. But with two popular opponents back in the country, that may no longer be possible for Musharraf since he's unlikly to win any elections.

With Pakistan so fractured, it can only lead to more political turmoil. That present the Taliban with a golden opportunity to move in and take control. And since Pakistan already has nuclear weapons, well, I may just end up feeling like an infidel kid on Christmas morning.

2007-11-11T08:22:00.000+05:00

2004-03-01T21:12:00.000+05:00

Some idiot at an Iranian radio station is claiming I was captured a long time ago.

Oh, puh-leeze!!!! That's absolutely ridiculous!!! Look at this logically, people: If I've been captured, then who's been writing this blog!?!?!

Still, wouldn't it be interesting if, two days before the November elections, Bush wheels me out on a hand truck like some sort of Hannibal Lechter, and says hey, "Lookee what I found!! Now will you vote for me?" Who knows? Maybe I'll even be wearing a straight jacket and leather mask like Anthony Hopkins was!

Just in case, I should practice making that scary slurping sound with my tongue.

2004-02-29T15:51:00.000+05:00

The Great Satan's Secretary of Defense was in Kabul recently, and now freely admits that they are no closer to capturing me than they were last year. "It will happen when it happens," he said. In other words, he's about ready to give up and send his boys home.

But the best part is when he said the Taliban is NOT making a resurgence. HA!! Yeah, right, Donnie. And there's no insurgency in Iraq, either.

2004-02-26T13:37:00.001+05:00

It's starting to look more and more like Iraq is slipping into civil war. The Kurds hate the Sunnis who hate the Shiites who hate the Kurds who hate the Sunnis, and everyone hates Celine Dionne!

To paraphrase The Lion King: Ah, the circle of death!!

And at the root of it all is yours truly, who probably would have been caught by now if a certain infidel President hadn't gone off half-cocked in a madcap pursuit of WMD's! And you have to wonder why he didn't have the good sense to plant some Anthrax or botulism around the country. Then Daniel Kay could have found something! After all, if the LAPD was able to plant that bloody glove at O.J.'s house, why couldn't the CIA do the same? But Allah works in mysterious ways, so I'll just savor the joy of it all.

Our constant use of car bombs against the Iraqi people is also paying off. Police officers are afraid to go to work, and this in turn is leading to a total breakdown of law and order throughout Iraq. Anarchy is a wonderful thing, for it gives us an opening to step in and rstore order after the Americans leave. By then people will grateful to have some rule of law once again imposed upon them, even if it is brutally harsh Islamic law.

True, in the meantime a lot of innocent people will die. But it's for a good cause, so I what do I care?

It's like the old saying: All's fair in love and jihad!

2004-02-26T06:14:00.000+05:00

There are a lot of terrorist organizations in the world, and we're all in competition with one another. It's that constant sense of urgency to outdo the other guy that keeps us sharp.

Now comes word that there's some new terror group trying to break into the business. They call themselves the National Education Association. Can't say I've ever heard of them before, and apparently they are yet to stage any attacks. Still, I shall keep my eye on them.

I've also alerted Al Qaeda's Mergers and Acquisitions Department for a possible buyout offer.

2004-02-24T03:58:00.000+05:00

Apparently there are some vicious--and TOTALLY unsubstantiated, I might add--rumors that the evil ones are closing in on me.

Total, absolute poppycock!!

They are no where near me. For one thing, I'm over here in Pakistan where I'm perfectly safe. There's no way Musharaff will allow infidel soldiers onto his soil. He knows better.

Unless, of course, he's still pissed about those assassination attempts a few weeks ago.

And let me also assure my dear readers that I'm not hiding in any ol' stupid spiderhole. That was just pure cowardice on Saddam's part. I have way too much dignity for that sort of thing. After all, I have an image to uphold!

That's why I'm hiding in a cave.

2004-02-23T00:03:00.000+05:00

Oh, the things I am willing to do in order to unleash a new reign of terror upon the infidels!!

2004-02-17T20:55:00.000+05:00

Some cocky army officer has said he is "sure" I will be captured this year. He points to the example of Saddam as an example.

Yeah, right.

As I've said before, Saddam was an unholy wuss. I, on the other hand, have Allah on my side. Besides, I've been practicing hiding a lot longer than Hussein ever did. I have turned it into an art form. Perhaps you can catch one of my exhibitions some time. It's more of a performance art, than anything.

Also, I have heard that the infidels are planning a spring offensive against me and my followers. Well, as Bush once said, "Bring it on!!"

I am perfectly safe as long as I remain here in Pakistan...., er, assuming that's where I am, of course. The US forces can't get to me here since Musharaff will never allow them to cross the border.

2004-02-15T01:57:00.000+05:00

I am somewhat confused by Musharaff's decision to share nuclear technology with certain other countries. Libya and Iran I understand. After all, they are Muslim. But North Korea?!?!? Why them and not us? North Korea is populated by godless athiests! That makes them even worse than your standard, run-of-the-mill infidels. After all, it's one thing to believe in the WRONG god; it's quite another to believe in NO god whatsoever.

That's what really gets me: That he didn't help Al Qaeda build a bomb! I mean, we're certainly devout, faithful, religious people who are deserving of technology which can kill infidels by the tens of thousands!

I can only conclude that the reason Musharaff didn't share that information with us is that he's pissed about our ongoing efforts to kill him.

Some people can be so petty....

2004-02-13T21:35:00.000+05:00

Wonderful news!! I have obtained the source code for Microsoft's Windows operating systems!!!

Now if I can just figure out what the hell to do with it....

2004-02-12T08:38:00.000+05:00

Well, it's official: The original Star Wars trilogy is coming out on DVD. And to his credit, Lucas is only releasing the "special edition" versions. That means I won't have to keep venturing out of my hiding place to buy each different version as they're released.

I'm so happy, I think I'll go blow something up.

2004-02-08T02:42:00.000+05:00

Would it be overly bold of me to take credit for Bush's invasion of Iraq? Hmmm..... No, of course not.

If it hadn't been for 9-11, Bush never would have had the cajones to go after Saddam. But given the incentive I provided, he looked desperately for a reason and finally found one: Those dastardly weapons of mass destruction.

And what as the final outcome? No WMD's, United States foreign policy is in tatters, and Bush's credibility is non-existent. So yeah, I feel pretty good about how things turned out.

2004-02-07T08:01:00.000+05:00

One of my faithful readers, who would make a great terrorist if only he weren't such a blithering coward, has informed me of a rumor that the original Star Wars trilogy will soon be coming out on DVD.

This is indeed wonderful news! Granted, these are the "Special Edition" versions, but that's fine. What really gets my knickers in a knot is when they release a set of movies, then six months later release the same set as "directors cuts," and then a year later come out with the "digitally remastered special edition" version. And just when you think they're done, they come out with another sequel in the theaters, rendering your previous 3 box sets of Terminator and T2 worthless, because now you'll have to get T3: Rise of the Damned Money Sucking DVD Box Sets!!!!

What a load of crap!! Why don't they just wait till the stars get elected Governor and stop making movies? THEN they can release a single box set and be done with it! Oh, but how naive of me! By only releasing a set of movies once, they would make less money off us suckers, wouldn't they?

And people wonder why I am so bitter....

I suppose it's true that at some future date Lucas will release will release a box set of all six movies, but let's face it: No one except the really hard core geeks will buy them. You and I both know that this last installment is likely to be as big a piece of crap as Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones. Normal people like you and I won't want to waste our money on them.

Besides, I can already tell you how the next one will end: Luke & Leia will be born, then separated; The Republic will suffer a series of horrible military setbacks; And Anikin Skywalker will suffer some sort of hideous injury that necessitates wearing elaborate headgear that makes him sound like the spokesperson for Verizon.

2004-02-04T03:51:00.000+05:00

I continue to be puzzled by the United States....

The authorities were correctly outraged by Janet Jackson's apparent deliberate exposure of her breast. I, too, was outraged. In fact, I kept replaying the tape over and over and over and over to confirm that what I thought my eyes were beholding was in fact happening!!

Yet no one seemed to mind, when a mere two hours later, Richard Hatch was parading his fat naked ass up and down the beach on the latest Survivor series! Is this a double standard, or what?

Quite frankly, I'd rather see Jackson's breast than Hatch's ass any day of the week.

2004-02-02T06:42:00.000+05:00

So Bush has finally agreed to back an investigation into the intelligence failures that led to the war in Iraq. You realize, of course, that by conceding that there should be such an investigation, he is also admitting that he screwed up.

But the way I see it, it wasn't so much an intelligence failure as much as a complete lack of intelligence.

Right there in the Oval Office.

2004-02-01T20:59:00.000+05:00

2004-01-29T03:25:00.000+05:00

Saddam would have had a field day with this article in the infidel magazine Atlantic Monthly (summary of article). It's an extensive exploration of what went wrong in Iraq, and the bottom line is that many people predicted the problems that the United States of Satan has had since the fall of Baghdad, and that extensive planning went into the postwar occupation of the country.

So what went wrong then? Well, no, it wasn't a failure of intelligence, but rather a failure of leadership. Basically, anything that didn't fit Bush's preconceived ideas about the war and its aftermath was flat-out ignored.

What concerns me now is that if Kerry wins in November, I may not be any better off next year than I am now. You know how those damn war heroes are. That's why I will continue to proudly display a Howard Dean bumpersticker on my camel's ass.

2004-01-26T08:33:00.000+05:00

There seems to be some dissatisfaction among some of my followers about my infrequent blogging habits. One cowardly infidel reader, who would no doubt soil his shorts if he were to actually meet me, complains that "why is the osaminator so freakin' lazy? Saddam was hiding in holes, doling out cash to insurgents and still made time to add a log every day. I'm really very disappointed." Another reader adds "I do have to say that Saddam encouraged more interaction from us. He even seemed to like having us around, you know, to feel superior to."

Well, first let me just say that I always enjoy hearing from my readership, even if my ultimate goal is to kill every last one of you. Granted, that would ultimately have a negative impact on my numbers, but I've never been one to waste time contemplating the longterm consequences of my actions.

However, Allah did not place me on this Earth to provide people like you with entertainment. He placed me here to wreak havoc upon the civilized world.

And do not insult me with comparisons to Saddam. It is precisely because he spent so time hiding in holes that he was able to waste his energies blogging on a daily basis. And don't think I haven't heard about those all-night keg parties he'd throw on Friday nights!! And look where his lack of focus got him: Caught by the unholy Crusaders. I, on the other hand, keep my priorities straight and only blog when I am confident of my own safety. After all, many people are depending on me.

If you want to give meaning to your miserable little lives by devoting yourselves to someone else, try Howard Dean. From what I understand, he's currently hard up for followers.

Now go change your shorts.

2004-01-20T02:38:00.000+05:00

How dare a woman question the word of Allah?

There's some Muslim chick in Canada (figures) who is asking why Islam is so oppressive of women. Hey, it's not my fault, okay? I didn't write the Koran.

I just interpret the damn thing however I want.

Now get off my back, okay? And if you're a woman, cover your hair.

2004-01-19T04:37:00.000+05:00

The infidel Army War College has issued a report saying that the Iraq war was a mistake because it diverted attention and resources from what should have been the primary goal of the Bush Administration: Eliminating me as a threat.

Guess I should do the polite thing and send Mr. Bush a "Thank You" card.

2004-01-14T07:37:00.000+05:00

There are few things I enjoy more than friendly banter with my infidel readers.... Well, with the possible exception of disemboweling my infidel readers! But unfortunately you're there and I'm here (wherever that may be), so I'll have to settle for banter.... At least for now.

Reader and cowering unholy vermin Tung-Yin writes: Hey, Ossie, some people think that you've been badly disfigured by U.S. attacks, which is why there are no new videotapes of you calling for jihad -- only audiotapes. Is that true? If it is, why don't you show your disfigured face? After all, we Americans are pretty squeamish. Your blistered, scarred face could give a whole generation of kids nightmares and heebie-jeebies. Hey, you could be the new Boogieman!

First let me allay your fears by assuring you that my face is perfectly fine, except for the occasional zit when I eat chocolate. The problem with video messages is that you have to record them on--duh!--video cameras!! The battery on the one we had been using has died, a situation I'm none too happy about.

They claim that those new fangled rechargeable lithium ion rechargeable batteries don't develop a "memory" the way the old nickel cadmium ones used to. And yes, I suppose that's true. But what they DON'T tell you is that the damn things only last about two years before they become worthless paper weights.

It's the exact same problem I'm having with my Apple Ipod.

Needless to say, there aren't too many Best Buy stores along the Afghan/Pakistani frontier, so it's not like I can just run right out and buy a new camcorder battery. But the double A's I can steal--er, I mean "buy"--from any convenience store. And they work great in my Sony Walkman/recorder.

Whch brings me to my next point: All the convenience stores around here are run by foreigners. I think they're Americans or something, but I'm not sure. They all look alike to me.

Anyway, I can never understand what the hell they're saying.

2004-01-12T20:55:00.000+05:00

I'm disappointed to see that the United States has lowered it's terror threat level back down to yellow. Why? Don't they consider me a threat any more? Do you have any idea how insulting that is?

I'm still here, you know. And I'm still scary.

BOO!!!!!

There. See? Go ahead, admit it: You peed your pants when I did that, didn't you?

Yeah, I still got the touch.

2004-01-11T00:42:00.000+05:00

The United States of Satan continues to deny that its so-called "War on Terror" is about oil. Yeah, right. And a camel doesn't sh*t in the desert. Or maybe it does. I think maybe I gotta work on that analogy a little more....

At any rate, my point is that Bush and his band of infidels ARE after the middleeast's oil fields. And any idiot fool who doubts me on this point should read this article. It says that during the 1973 oil embargo, the Nixon Administration considered seizing the oil fields of Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, and a number of other countries.

Uh-huh. And no doubt right after that they would've started sending those damn Jehova's Witnesses over here trying to convert us. They wouldn't have gotten very far, though. Have you ever tried riding a bicycle through sand?

2004-01-06T22:02:00.000+05:00

----------Dana Summers, Orlando Sun-Times

Oh, don't act all surprised. You should know by now that I hide wherever I can. Besides, it's not so bad. This dry, barren landscape reminds me of home.... Well, except for the reddish tint.

The postage to mail those threatening audiotapes back to Earth is a bitch, however.

2004-01-03T07:32:00.000+05:00

I wish those stupid Americans would stop cancelling all those international flights. Last week it was those Air France flights, and now it's British Airways that keeps getting grounded. And a couple of days ago it was an Aero Mexico plane that was grounded.

All these cancellations are wreaking havoc with Al Qaeda's business travel. Rest assured that I will be writing a strongly worded letter of complaint to the appropriate people.

Think I'll leave the return address off the envelope, however.

2004-01-01T03:51:00.000+05:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR, YOU CRAZY INFIDELS!!!!!

Man, I am so wasted right now! I was hanging from the top of the cave in my underwear at one point, while Khalid was dancing around with a lampshade on his head. Then Mohammad had the bright idea for us to make a threatening videotape and send it in to Al-Jazeera. Nothing unusual about that, except we were all naked and making farting noises in the background. Someone remind me in the morning to go blow up the mailbox before they pick up that envelope.

I partied like it was 1999!

What can I say? I'm a little behind the times.

But you already knew that, didn't you?

2003-12-31T05:17:00.000+05:00

That Kaddafi, or Gaddafi, or Qaddafi, or whatever the hell he's calling himself these days, is really pissing me. He has all these wonderful weapons of mass destruction, and now he's just going to destroy them.

What a waste. I would gladly have taken them off his hands.

----------Wolverton, Cagle Cartoons

Kaddafi, or Gaddafi, or Qaddafi, or whatever the hell he's calling himself's problem is the same as Saddam's was: He fails to open his heart to Allah, and dedicate his life to furthering the teachings of the Koran.... Per my interpretation of the Koran, I mean.

Instead, Kaddafi, or Gaddafi, or Qaddafi, or whatever the hell he's calling himself seeks to save his own hide, and further his own power at the expense of eternal glory.... Not to mention those virgins.

2003-12-27T21:26:00.000+05:00

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

2003-12-27T08:19:00.000+05:00

Some people are wondering what's going on with all these reports about Air France. Without admitting anything one way or another, let's just say that Al Qaeda had built up a lot of frequent flier miles with the airline, and we just felt that the infidel holidays would be a good time to burn them up.... er, I mean use them up. The miles, I mean.

And no, Las Vegas was not a target. It's a popular vacation destination for our future suicide bombers. Why, even Mohammad Atta, the leader of our 9-11 attacks, spent time there.

Some of you may think that it's rather hypocritical of us to go enjoy ourselves in a place that so exemplifies everything we hate about the west. Well, yeah, those of you who don't know us better would think that. But the fact is, Vegas is a great way to show our recruits everything that is wrong with the corrupt infidel lifestyle.... Plus maybe catch a show or two, win big at the baccarat table, get roaring drunk, and hire hot strippers to come to your hotel room and put on a private show.

So no, there's obviously nothing hypocritical about that.

2003-12-26T00:19:00.000+05:00

Bad news from up north. Our plan to hijack Santa's Sleigh has unraveled. Apparently, security personel at the fat infidel's workshop became suspicious and arrested several middle eastern looking elves.

I'm thinking of contacting the ACLU and suing someone. It's not right that middle easterners are constantly being singled out for special attention. Isn't that discrimination?

2003-12-23T21:31:00.000+05:00

Don't be absurd. What would I want with a Christmas tree? Most importantly, where would I put it?

----------Tony Auth, Philadelphia Inquirer

Don't say it.

2003-12-22T03:30:00.000+05:00

Wonderful news!! With that pesky Saddam out of the way, people are starting to notice me again! For example, the United States has just raised its terror alert level to Code Orange.

It gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling inside to know that I'm once again being appreciated.

Then again, I suppose that warm and fuzzy feeling could be due to that unskinned rat I had for dinner earlier....

2003-12-19T06:11:00.000+05:00

In yet another indication that drug abuse is rampant in the United States, a new poll says that 66% of Americans believe I'll eventually be caught. One can only assume that the recent capture of Saddam has led to this delusional state of existence.

----------Jeff StahlerCincinnati Post

May I take a moment to point out some facts that may serve to deflate this balloon of artificial euphoria? First, Saddam was only on the run for eight months. I, on the other hand, have been successfully eluding the infidel forces for over two years. That means I've had almost three times as much practice!

Secondly, I have Allah on my side. He's always been there. Saddam, on the other hand, was an opportunistic weasel who only invoked Allah's name when he was desperately trying to rally support, or else trying to get laid. Allah does not particularly care for part time devotees. On the other hand, I'm not only FULL time, but I put in lots and lots of overtime as well.

2003-12-18T08:09:00.000+05:00

A Tung-Yin writes: Hey Ossie: Now that the spotlight is off Saddam -- well, he's probably under some sort of spotlight, but one of American interrogators -- will your blog no longer be in his shadow?

And what do you think of the Dixie Chicks?

A good question. And as much as it sickens and disgusts me to deal with worthless unholy infidels such as yourself, whose vile bodies aren't even worthy of serving as kitty litter for Allah's cats, yes, I do expect my blog to regain its former and well deserved glory. As you may well be aware, it was I who first invited that pathetic excuse for a holy warrior Saddam to join me on my site. Then, when the Great Satan launched its own jihad against the Muslims of Iraq, he decided he was too good to keep associating with me and started his own spinoff blog.

It's kind of like what that maid did on The Jeffersons. What was her name? Flo, I believe. She got her own series, and suddenly she wouldn't assciate with George and Weezie. And how many of you have the foggiest idea what I'm talking about here? And if you're too young to remember The Jeffersons, why aren't you in bed already? Do your parents know you're still up?

As for the Dixie Chicks, well, don't tell Allah I said this, but they make me pitch a tent in my robes. However, I never could convince Saddam to introduce me to them. That Natalie Maines is especially hot. She is so sexy when she denounces Bush. Of course, I find anyone who makes disparaging remarks about the American President to be desirable.

That's why Michael Moore also turns me on.

2003-12-17T21:24:00.001+05:00

My many followers have been wondering what I think about Saddam's capture.

Well, quite frankly, I think he's a cowardly wuss. I can't believe he allowed himself to be taken alive like that. Then again, Maybe it shouldn't come as a surprise. After all, not all of us have it takes to be a martyr.

Granted, I haven't actually become a martyr myself, but that's only because I'm, er, "unselfish." Yeah, that's it. I'm unselfish. That's why I'm always so eager to let someone ELSE go out there and get themselves killed while I remain safe.

2003-12-17T21:24:00.000+05:00

2003-12-17T07:29:00.000+05:00

Today is a very special day. It's the 100th anniversary of the Wright Brothers' first flight.

I wonder if THEY had any problems getting through security?

----------Henry Payne, Detroit News

2003-12-14T20:29:00.000+05:00

Well, I guess Saddam won't be joining me now. He got his sorry ass captured last night.

But me? I'm still here, and I'M KING OF WORLD!!!!! Well, at least king of this dank cave.

----------Gary Varvel, Indianapolis Star

2003-12-13T23:38:00.000+05:00

Two infidels went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. They were very particular, and were looking for just the right one.
After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry jackals, one infidel turned to the other one and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

Courtesy of Metsudath.

2003-12-10T20:53:00.000+05:00

----------Tony Auth, Philadelphia Inquirer

2003-12-06T09:05:00.000+05:00

Apparently the people of Afghanistan are having a hard time working out the details of their new constitution. Personally, I don't see what the problem is. All you really need is:

Article I Obey the Koran.
Article II Kill infidels.
Article III Lots of them.

There. Now that wasn't so hard, was it?

2003-12-02T21:27:00.000+05:00

2003-11-25T07:37:00.000+05:00

What can I say? Everyone needs a hobby. Studies even show that having a fulfilling pastime leads to better health and increased longevity!

----------Joe Heller, Green Bay Gazette

2003-11-24T04:55:00.000+05:00

I have just heard some highly disturbing news out of the United States: Apparently several hundred airline pilots are now authorized to carry guns! Now why did they go and do that?! Has anyone considered that such a thing can be dangerous? Someone could even get shot!!
Suppose someone, for no reason in particular, would prefer to fly on a plane that does NOT have armed pilots. Is there a way to find out? Perhaps such information could be listed online.

2003-11-21T22:08:00.000+05:00

I can only conclude that drug abuse among the infidels' military units is rampant. How else to explain the remarks that this General Peter Pace just made? According to him, "Bin Ladn is out of the picture."
Really!?! Well, that's certainly news to me. And I'm sure it also comes as a shock to the people of Istanbul who are now afraid to crawl out from under their beds.
Even more important, what kind of stupid name is "Peter Pace?" Is that even real? You know, this could be some sort of clumsy CIA attempt to confuse me. That's the only possible reason someone would say I'm no longer a factor.

2003-11-18T22:22:00.000+05:00

Those car bomb attacks in Turkey a few days ago? Yeah, they were my handiwork. Well, technically it was the Abu-Hafs al-Masri Brigades, but they're a fully vested subsidiary of ours. We bought 'em out last year and integrated their services into the existing Al Qaeda product line.
That's how you survive and grow in this era of globalization.

2003-11-13T04:01:00.000+05:00

If I didn't know better, I'd say this guy is mocking me! Either that, or he's completely missing the point of terrorism.

----------Tony Auth, Philadelphia Inquirer

2003-11-11T04:25:00.000+05:00

The FBI now admits that it can't infiltrate Al Qaeda with undercover agents. Well.... DUH!! This really shouldn't surprise anyone.
My cause is just, after all. I mean, what could be more noble than the killing of innocent, unarmed civilians on a beautiful, sunny morning, who are sitting at their desks drinking coffee and reading that morning's "Dilbert?" My followers realize that, and that knowledge in turn inspires great devotion among those that wish to martyr themselves. Well, that, and the thing with the 72 naked, horny virgins tends to help as well. So any potential undercover agents would quickly be seduced by our benefits package.
Plus, guys speaking Arabic with a Georgia accent tend to stick out around here.

2003-11-09T21:26:00.000+05:00

Did you hear about the 240 people that were trampled during a stampede at Mecca? Now that's devotion! You never hear about Catholics getting trampled while getting communion, or Jehova's Witnesses stampeding to knock on someone's door.

Ain't Islam grand?

2003-11-08T08:50:00.000+05:00

I was starting to feel quite neglected over here in Afghanistan.... Or maybe it's Pakistan.... Or Iran..... Could also be a suburb of Jersey City. Who knows where I am?
Anyway, it's good to be back in the news. Now the Americans are worried that my followers may hijack cargo planes. Rest assured that IF we do, we'll be quite particular about WHICH cargo planes we steal. After all, what was that old commercial...? When you absolutely, positively have to inflict terror the next day....?
However, if I were you, I would be much more concerned about what I plan to do with the moon tomorrow night. That's right: I'm going to make it disappear!!
Just try and stop me.

2003-11-07T04:34:00.000+05:00

I see that the popularity of my favorite TV show is spreading rapidly throughout the world.

2003-10-31T05:45:00.000+05:00

I am hereby claiming responsibilty for those explosions on the sun. What, you doubt I could pull off something so dramatic?
Well, let me ask you this: Has anyone else claimed responsibilty for them?
No? Well, then I rest my case.

2003-10-28T05:28:00.000+05:00

----------Tony Auth, Philadelphia Inquirer

Sometimes people say to me, "Osama, how is it that you keep recruiting fresh idiots to your cause?"
Well, it's quite easy, actually: I just tell them that the infidels have declared war on Islam and are seeking to wipe us out. And if anyone doubts that's true, they only need to read what General William Boykin had to say recently.
While addressing groups of godless Christian evangelicals, he came right and said that Christianity is at war with Islam. This from a top leader of the Great Satan's armies!!! Of course, now that he has accidentally spoken the truth, he is trying to apologize, but it's too late.
I've already included his words in pamphlets for our fall recruiting campaign.

2003-10-17T02:32:00.000+05:00

----------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

So how did you like my terrorist attack in Chicago the other day? I'm talking about Steve Bartman, who tried to grab the foul ball and in so doing crushed the hopes and dreams of millions of Cubs fans. He also prolonged an ancient curse dating back a thousand years to the time of the Crusades.
That's right: Steve was no ordinary fan: He was actually an Al Qaeda operative. And the best part is, it may yet turn out to have been a suicide mission!

2003-10-10T22:21:00.000+05:00

And what's this about a woman winning the Nobel Peace Prize? Even worse, a Muslim woman?!?!?
Allah is going to majorly pissed when he hears about this.....

2003-10-10T22:17:00.000+05:00

American televangelist and leading infidel preacher man Pat Robertson says he would love to get a nuclear device into Foggy Bottom and blow up the US State Department.
WOW!!!! The more I learn about this guy, the more I come to realize how much the two of us have in common!
I guess not all Christians are bad after all.

2003-10-08T22:28:00.000+05:00

----------Steve Benson, Arizona Republic

2003-10-05T01:00:00.000+05:00

Saddam and I were talking just the other day about when we were growing up, and our favorite children's games at the time. And aside from "Pin the Tail on the Jew," we both agreed that our next favorite game was "Hide and Seek."
Somehow we don't think George W. Bush was very good at that.

----------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free-Press

2003-10-01T05:57:00.000+05:00

Great. They've arrested a third spy at Guantanomo Bay. That reduces the number of my operatives there by almost 15%.
Another dozen arrests & I'll have to start to getting my news from Fox.

2003-09-18T21:50:00.000+05:00

I have heard about this "Hurricane Isabel," and quite frankly, I am jealous of her. She has accomplished something that I have attempted to do, but failed at: Paralyzing the capital city of the Great Satan.
I shall file this information away for future reference. Forget the hijacked planes, park the truck bombs, and scratch the dirty bombs. If we want to incapacitate the evil ones, all we need is the mere threat of wind and rain. Why, even Bush has fled to the mountains.... And that's something I can identify with.
I shall begin recruiting suicide meteorologists for future attacks.

2003-09-13T22:38:00.000+05:00

Had a helluva time fitting that helmet over my turban, though.

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

2003-09-12T20:26:00.000+05:00

What is the problem with the American people? I just released a brand new recording (no illegal downloads; BUY the CD, you cheapskates) threatening widespread death and destruction among the infidel masses. Plus, yesterday was the second anniversary of 9-11. So you would think they'd be quaking in their shorts and fleeing their cities, right?
But no!!! Instead of fearing for their lives, those damned Americans are more concerned with the wedding plans of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez!!!
Is there no justice in this world?

2003-09-11T19:42:00.000+05:00

----------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

2003-09-08T21:20:00.000+05:00

Yasser Arafat just emailed me this very funny joke. Of course, in his version it was about two blonde jews, but I changed it around just a bit.

There were two godless blonde infidel dogs working for the city council. One would dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked furiously all day without rest, one godless blonde infidel digging a hole, the other godless blonde infidel dog filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows right behind and fills it up again."
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, normally we are a three-man team, but the other godless blonde infidel dog who plants the trees is out sick today."

2003-09-03T19:21:00.000+05:00

Paul Hill is slated to die in a Florida prison later tonight (Eastern Infidel Time). He killed an abortion doctor and a clinic volunteer in 1994. Hill says he was merely doing his god's work when he shot the two unarmed people.
Hmmm.... I can certainly identify with that.
He adds that the sooner he is "executed... the sooner I am going to heaven. I expect a great reward in heaven."
Well, let's hope none of those virgins get knocked up, eh, Mr. Hill?
Even though this gentleman is a Christian, I must confess to admiring him. Indeed, I admire anyone who is willing to kill unarmed people in the name of his god. So I suppose in same ways, you infidels and I aren't all that different. Shocking, ain't it?
And in return for his noble efforts at exercising his religious convictions, the United States government wants to kill him.
Sounds like Mr. Hill and I have an awful lot in common!!

2003-09-02T05:35:00.000+05:00

Gee, where has the summer gone? Admittedly, it wasn't as much of a vacation as I'm accustomed to. Especially the last several weeks, the damn Americans have been bombing us again. Jeez, don't they ever get tired of it? So needless to say, I haven't been able to get away to the beach the way I used to in past years. It's a real shame, too, because I have this great timeshare on the Mediterreanean coast in Lebanon. Well, at least Yasser was able to use it between bus bombings.

----------David Horsey, Seattle Post-Intelligencer

2003-08-30T06:17:00.000+05:00

I just found out that Madonna was tongue kissing Britney Spears and Christina Agilera on the MTV Video Music Awards. This is truly shocking!!! I mean, I didn't even know MTV still played music videos!!!!!
But beyond the shock of that profound revelation, I find that this entire incident is a perfect example of the decadance that has come to permeate every aspect of western civilization. Of course, I will have to tape this disgusting spectacle of wanton temptations of the flesh when they rerun it. Why, you ask?
Well, uh.... Er.... So that I may repeatedly review it, both in slow motion and freeze frame modes, and stare at it for hours at a time so that I may more fully immunize myself against the unholy effects of scantily clad females making out with one another.
Yes, it's a dirty job, but somebody has to do it.

2003-08-27T05:52:00.000+05:00

Hmmm.... Tonight's close encounter with Mars represents a missed opportunity for us. What we should have done is trained suicide astrophysicists to go to Mars and hijack it. Instead, we'll just sitting here, staring at the sky, and marvelling at the vastness of Allah's creation. It is at such moments that I realize how petty our differences on here on Earth seem. For if you think about it, do we all not bleed the same blood when cut? But then I'll hear about another bus bombing in Israel and come to my senses.
Well, as I understand it, we'll have another chance in 284 years.

----------Dana Summers, Orlando Sentinel

2003-08-21T21:45:00.000+05:00

I may be a world renown terrorist, and people may cower at the mere mention of my name, but I still have many friends Why, just today I have received dozens of emails from total strangers talking about some "wicked new screensaver." How very thoughtful!! Now I don't usually bother with spam, but I think I'll ceck this one out.
Hmmm.... It's a ".pif" attachment. Haven't heard of that kind before, but let me open it and see what hap

2003-08-20T04:47:00.000+05:00

Ah, the internet is a wonderful place!!

2003-08-17T11:55:00.000+05:00

That big blackout over there in SatanLand was really something, eh? Left me feeling pretty good about myself. No, I wasn't responsible for it, though I wish I had been.
However, look at the very first thought on everyone's minds when the magnitude of the event began to sink in: "Is it terrorism?"
I may not have succeeded in blowing anything up in America for a while, but the fact that I'm the VERY FIRST thing people think of when something horrible happens is quite an accomplishment.
Gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling inside just thinking about that.

2003-08-11T05:45:00.000+05:00

My plan to run for governor of California and set up an Islamic state in North America has met with some unexpected obstacles.
Chief among these is that the deadline was some 28 hours ago. And even if I had managed to weasel out a brief extension by holding an airliner full of little old ladies hostage, it probably wouldn't have helped. I checked on both Orbitz.com and Travelocity, and at best it would have taken me 12 days by freighter to get to America.
Yes, freighter. Couldn't find any cruise ships that go from Kandahar to Los Angeles. And the fact that Afghanistan is a landlocked country only added further obstacles to the cruise option. But that's really my only alternative for intercontinental travel since I refuse to fly.
Too many damn wackos on planes nowadays.
Anyway, I think I would enjoyed being governor. When I think of how I could have used my new found legitamacy to spread Allah's word, I break out in goosebumps. For example, you know those big letters that spell out HOLLYWOOD on that mountainside? I would have replaced with something a little more dignified and in keeping with my interpretation of the Koran.... Such as DEATH TO INFIDELS.
Of course, I would have immediately abolished the film industry. Too many false idols in that business. And all the former Hollywood actresses would have been forced to wear burqas, so there would have been no further need for plastic surgeons. And the state is already short on electricty, so I would have felt right at home in that regard.
However, I would have left Berkely alone. They're already anti-American enough.

2003-08-08T21:28:00.000+05:00

I can certainly sympathize with Verizon's labor problems. I myself am dealing with a disgruntled suicide bombers' union.

2003-08-08T05:30:00.000+05:00

I see that my operative Zacarias Moussaoui is continuing to carry out his assigned attacks against the United States. You see, everyone thinks he was supposed to be the 20th hijacker, but that was never the case. Turns out he would throw up every time he as much as looked at an airplane, which makes hijacking one just a bit difficult.... And messy.
Anyway, he was always getting on all the other terrorists' nerves with his know-it-all, bookish attitude. He was a typical geek, in other words. But we decided to put those traits to work for us by making sure he got arrested. Now he's in jail, working on his own defense, and increasingly tying up the courts with his incessant apeals, briefs, and motions. Soon the infidels' entire legal system will grind to a halt.
Pretty clever, eh?

2003-07-17T19:47:00.000+05:00

Did you see what happened to Tiger Woods at the British Open? Lost the ball on his very first shot and ended up with a triple bogey!! People are wondering how the world's best golfer could have made such a blunder.
Well, I'll let you in on a little secret: It was me!
Yup. It's all part of my plan to destroy the Great Satan's sports icons one-by-one. Never mind how; let's just say it's between me and the Big Guy upstairs. Wait till you see how many interceptions Joe Montana throws this coming season!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Huh? What do you mean Joe's "retired?"

2003-07-16T03:54:00.000+05:00

BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

2003-07-12T02:19:00.000+05:00

My plan to derail the decadent United States infidel based economy is progressing quite nicely. What makes this success all the more surprising is that I really haven't done anything lately. The only possible explanation is that Allah has lent us his divine intervention!
I base this assesment on the news about the couple that won the $130 million dollar lottery prize. Have you heard how they plan to spend it? On a tractor, and a refrigerator!
If refrigerators are going for over a hundred million dollars a piece, their economy must be shot to hell.

2003-07-06T06:41:00.000+05:00

There is nothing nobler than martyrdom, and there's no finer way to achieve that than with a suicide bombing. It's like the Koran says: If you must die, have a blast while doing it.
It does TOO say that.... At least in my copy of the Koran it does. Really. In the margins. Where I, um, kind of wrote notes to myself.
So technically it does say that in the Koran.
No, I am not stretching the truth. Stretching the truth is when you start arguing that oral sex is not really sex, depending on how you define the word "is," okay? So get off my back.
Anyway, the point I was trying to make was that these two female Chechnyan suicide bombers near Moscow died a noble death. Messy, yes, but noble nonetheless. And believe me, there's nothing sexier than a woman with 30 pounds of explosives strapped to her waist.
Now some of you are probably saying to yourselves, "Yo, Osama, wassup!!! So, like, if male suicide bombers get 72 virgins, what do the female ones get?"
Excellent question. And the answer is, they get to do the dishes!!
You see, after all the male martyrs are finished doing the dirty deed over and over 72 times, they work up quite an appetite, and there is a massive feast with many fine foods and drinks. Things like roasted lambs, pork ribs, buffalo wings, steaks fresh off the grill, potato salad, cranberry sauce (from a can, so those little ridges are still visible), and Margaritas. With those cute little umbrella things, of course.
Needless to say, afterwards there is one hell of mess to clean up, and the honor falls to the women. Actually, they used to use Mexicans, but then Allah decided to crack down on the green cards. That's why we began encouraging women to blow themselves up.
Who says Islam isn't progrssive?

2003-06-29T00:25:00.000+05:00

I don't get it.
This would seem to imply that I'm some how a bad person....

2003-06-28T06:22:00.000+05:00

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=514&e=5&u=/ap/20030627/ap_on_go_ca_st_pe/terrorism_arrests_12

2003-06-24T05:46:00.000+05:00

This is awful news. In fact, it is so bad that I find it almost impossible to believe.... Apparently Hamas is prepared to negotiate a truce with the Israelies! It will be tough for me to continue to justify inflicting mass death and destruction in the name of Palestinian oppression if the inconsiderate bastards make peace with the jews!
No matter. I'll come up with another reason.

2003-06-21T13:52:00.000+05:00

No wonder I haven't heard from Iyman Faris lately.... He's been sitting in a jail cell for the last six weeks! No one ever tells me anything.
This is a terrible setback for us, and a horrible waste. We paid for Iyman to learn how to drive a truck but not park it, and then he goes and gets himself locked up.
Needless to say, his mission is a failure too. He was supposed to chop down the Brooklyn Bridge, then pick up a copy of that new Harry Potter book for me. Fairly simple tasks, right? But instead he goes and screws it up by getting arrested!! Anyone that stupid should have just been made a suicide bomber.

2003-06-14T01:12:00.000+05:00

Dang!! And a bunch of our operatives had JUST purchased tickets on Mainline Airways!!

2003-06-08T02:13:00.000+05:00

Americans are such wimps. Even their so-called "terrorists" are spoiled rotten!! I have been reading this Eric Rudolph fellow, and he is truly pathetic compared to us. He says that for the five years he hid in the mountains he survived by eating lizards, salamanders, and acorns. HA!! REAL terrorists like those of us in Al Qaeda don't have such creature comforts!
When we live off the land, we REALLY live off the land. We eat rocks and sticks. If we're lucky enough to have water, we'll fix ourselves a heapin' pile of mud. And during the winter winter months, fried snow. That's always a treat. For meat, we hunt jackals, which is never easy. Typically, we have to feed them kidnapped journalists till they fall asleep. Then we sneak up on them and hit them in the head with a small boulder. See, that's the tricky part. If you don't kill them with that first blow, they wake up really pissed and rip you to shreds. Could Rudolph have done that? Huh? I doubt it.
What is an "acorn," anyway? Are they vicious?
And we don't have the luxury of picking through dumpsters for discarded three day old food that has already been regurgitated multiple times by various rodents.
There is one thing that bothers me (Besides the constant threat of being blown to bits by Hellfire missiles, I mean)..... When WE blow up stuff and kill innocent people in the name of Allah, we get branded as Islamic terrorists. So how come when Rudolph does the same thing, no one calls him a Christian terrorist? Smells like discrimination to me.
I'm tempted to call the ACLU.

2003-06-01T07:07:00.000+05:00

People have asked me, "So, Osama, what do you think about that woman, Annika Sorenstam, who tried to play in that men's golf tournament?"
I'm fine with it, provided she wears a burqa.
Besides, golf hardly qualifies as a sport. Knocking a little non-explosive ball around, trying to get it to fall into a hole? Gimme a break!!
Where's the adventure? The risk? The constant threat of death?
Golf would be much more exciting if it were played in the middle of a minefield. Can you imagine Tiger Woods getting blown thirty feet into the air while trying to sink a putt? Now that would certainly level the playing field a bit!
I think that instead of using golfballs to play golf, they should use grenades. And instead of having little holes in the ground as targets, there should be infidels tied to stakes.

2003-05-31T06:59:00.000+05:00

As much as I hate infidels, I must admit that some of them do have certain redeeming qualities. For example, the Americans have VERY short memories. For example, they are thinking of going back to using private company screeners at their airports.
Well, okay, that's perfectly fine by me. Al Qaeda has plenty of suicidal martyrs just dying for work. I must admit, however, to wondering what is going through their minds. Have they forgotten what happened just 20 months ago? Or are they feeling guilty for neglecting me during their silly little fling with Saddam? If that's the case, I really don't need their charitable handouts. We are quite capable of being fearsome without potential targets pretending to be asleep.

2003-05-28T06:57:00.000+05:00

Syria's President Assad says he doesn't think Al-Qaeda exists.
Where did he that? The New York Times?

2003-05-26T06:10:00.000+05:00

Some people have wondered why Al Qaeda would attack Saudi Arabia. Well, why not? Everyone else already hates us, so what's one more country? Besides, they were late with their protection money last month, and busting kneecaps is much too boring.
Did you like the audio tape Ayman al-Zawahri released the other day? Very inspirational stuff, I thought. He's a pretty nasty guy, a regular sociopath with absolutely no conscience whatsoever. Fits right into Al Qaeda.
In fact, Ayman is so devoid of morals that I made him my right hand man. So if the Americans really wanted to find me, maybe they should start looking for him.
I'll be the guy on his left. With the beard.

2003-05-16T19:06:00.000+05:00

Did you like the way I made the moon disappear last night? Pretty impressive, huh?