I just finished watching season two of 'Sex in the City' That Carrie is really hot. Wouldn't mind seeing her in a skin-tight burqa! I'm looking forward to getting season 3 from Netflix. Hope nothing comes up to spoil my plans.

I have to say I really love it here. The Pakistanis have set me up in a beautiful, secure mansion with all the amenities. There's even a hot tub! What makes this so funny, those stupid stinkin' infidels still think I'm holed up in some stupid mountain cave with no running water! Joke's on them, eh? LOL!!!

And the surround sound system for this 72" HDTV is to die for! In fact, I'm watching 'Hot Shots, Part Deux' right now, Great movie, by the way. That Charlie Sheen is such a great actor. How does he do it? It's almost like he has tiger blood or something. And I love the movie because it shows what a bunch of bumbling fools those American special forces can be. And that helicopter on the screen sounds like it's right outside the living room window!!!

Oops, gotta go. Someone's at the door. Must be the pizza I ordered.

Cat's NOT In The Cradle

One of the bad things about having kids is that no matter how much you try to raise them properly, and to instill in them a sense of values, they will still find a way to embarrass you and besmirch the family name.

Such is the case with my son Omar. I have been remembering our times together when he was a wee little terrorist, and trying to figure out where I went wrong. Was I not home enough? Too many nights spent inspiring others to unleash death and mayhem upon innocent people while neglecting my responsibilities as a parent? That idiot infidel singer Harry Chapin had a wrong when he sang:,

"He'd grown up just like me
My boy was just like me."

I should have so lucky.

I truly don't know where I went wrong, but the shame of my failure weighs heavy upon my heart. You see, my little Omar wants to become... (GASP!!!)... a peace activist.

Gee, Ya Think?

Here's a newsflash for you: The rocket scientists running the government of Pakistan are now officially blaming Al Qaeda for Bhutto's assassination.

Well, DUH!!!!!

Of course we're responsible! Who else could have done it? Lee Harvey Oswald? John Wilkes Booth?

Unlike George Bush, I'm still relevant. And I plan to be in office for a lot longer than Bush.

Death & Despair To Warm The Cockles Of My Heart

Are cigars bad for you? If so, I may be in trouble. I've been smoking them like crazy for the last 36 hours or so. At the risk of sounding conceited, I've been congratulating myself for what's been happening in Pakistan the past couple of days. Granted, I may not have personally masterminded the operation, but I like to think I provided the inspiration for it.

Rioting all over country, mobs blaming Musharraf for Benazir Bhutto's death, the death of democracy in Pakistan, and 23 killed in all the pandemonium. What more can someone like me ask for? It's like a Christmas miracle!!!

What I find particularly amusing is all the public wailing that's taking place. If such a traumatic event were to take place in a western country, you wouldn't see all these public displays of despair. I mean, grown men, sobbing and wailing!?!? That's just embarrassing.

But I also have a theory as to why it happens: In western cultures, when such a thing happens, people immediately run inside and sit in front of the TV in an effort to find out what's going on. Everyone's confined to small groups of family members, office mates, or whatever.

But in third world countries--and I would have to place Pakistan in this category--very few people have TV's. Hell, few people even have electricity, for crying out loud! So instead of staying indoors in small groups, everyone flocks to the streets and soon a mass hysteria of sorts spreads through the crowds.

Anyway, that's my take on it. Take it or leave it.... Though if you value your life, I would recommend that you agree with me.

Well, this is a real pisser. I just got word that the town of Musa Qala in southern Afghanistan has been retaken by those stinkin' infidels. This is particularly inconvenient for me since Musa Qala had the closest Starbucks to where I'm hiding. Granted, it was still a three hour camel ride one way, but I used to undertake the journey on Sunday mornings. Nothing quite like a mocha machiato to start off my day. Plus, they had free public WiFi access.

Anyway, the loss of Musa Qala isn't that big a deal. the town has changed hands several times now, and it's only a matter of time before we retake it yet again.

In the meantime, I guess I'll go back to making tea out of goat piss.

I received more good news this morning.... Word is that Musharraf's army is losing ground to insurgents in western Pakistan. That, of course, happens to be the area where I'm hiding.

This is wildly amusing, especially since Musharraf has tried to justify his emergency powers by saying he need a free hand to battle Islamic radicals.... Or as I prefer to call them, "my buddy list."

Things are definitely looking up for me in Pakistan. Pervez Musharraf is slowly losing his grip on the country. A few weeks ago, it was former Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto who returned to Pakistan and immediately began to fire up her supporters. And today yet another former prime minister returned. This time it was Nawaz Sharif, the man Musharraf replaced in a 1999 coup.

These developments are both very significant since Musharraf has already said he will resign from the army and rule Pakistan as a civilian. But with two popular opponents back in the country, that may no longer be possible for Musharraf since he's unlikly to win any elections.

With Pakistan so fractured, it can only lead to more political turmoil. That present the Taliban with a golden opportunity to move in and take control. And since Pakistan already has nuclear weapons, well, I may just end up feeling like an infidel kid on Christmas morning.

Some idiot at an Iranian radio station is claiming I was captured a long time ago.

Oh, puh-leeze!!!! That's absolutely ridiculous!!! Look at this logically, people: If I've been captured, then who's been writing this blog!?!?!

Still, wouldn't it be interesting if, two days before the November elections, Bush wheels me out on a hand truck like some sort of Hannibal Lechter, and says hey, "Lookee what I found!! Now will you vote for me?" Who knows? Maybe I'll even be wearing a straight jacket and leather mask like Anthony Hopkins was!

Just in case, I should practice making that scary slurping sound with my tongue.

The Great Satan's Secretary of Defense was in Kabul recently, and now freely admits that they are no closer to capturing me than they were last year. "It will happen when it happens," he said. In other words, he's about ready to give up and send his boys home.

But the best part is when he said the Taliban is NOT making a resurgence. HA!! Yeah, right, Donnie. And there's no insurgency in Iraq, either.

It's starting to look more and more like Iraq is slipping into civil war. The Kurds hate the Sunnis who hate the Shiites who hate the Kurds who hate the Sunnis, and everyone hates Celine Dionne!

To paraphrase The Lion King: Ah, the circle of death!!

And at the root of it all is yours truly, who probably would have been caught by now if a certain infidel President hadn't gone off half-cocked in a madcap pursuit of WMD's! And you have to wonder why he didn't have the good sense to plant some Anthrax or botulism around the country. Then Daniel Kay could have found something! After all, if the LAPD was able to plant that bloody glove at O.J.'s house, why couldn't the CIA do the same? But Allah works in mysterious ways, so I'll just savor the joy of it all.

Our constant use of car bombs against the Iraqi people is also paying off. Police officers are afraid to go to work, and this in turn is leading to a total breakdown of law and order throughout Iraq. Anarchy is a wonderful thing, for it gives us an opening to step in and rstore order after the Americans leave. By then people will grateful to have some rule of law once again imposed upon them, even if it is brutally harsh Islamic law.

True, in the meantime a lot of innocent people will die. But it's for a good cause, so I what do I care?

It's like the old saying: All's fair in love and jihad!

There are a lot of terrorist organizations in the world, and we're all in competition with one another. It's that constant sense of urgency to outdo the other guy that keeps us sharp.

Now comes word that there's some new terror group trying to break into the business. They call themselves the National Education Association. Can't say I've ever heard of them before, and apparently they are yet to stage any attacks. Still, I shall keep my eye on them.

I've also alerted Al Qaeda's Mergers and Acquisitions Department for a possible buyout offer.

Apparently there are some vicious--and TOTALLY unsubstantiated, I might add--rumors that the evil ones are closing in on me.

Total, absolute poppycock!!

They are no where near me. For one thing, I'm over here in Pakistan where I'm perfectly safe. There's no way Musharaff will allow infidel soldiers onto his soil. He knows better.

Unless, of course, he's still pissed about those assassination attempts a few weeks ago.

And let me also assure my dear readers that I'm not hiding in any ol' stupid spiderhole. That was just pure cowardice on Saddam's part. I have way too much dignity for that sort of thing. After all, I have an image to uphold!

That's why I'm hiding in a cave.