Events in Iraq are certainly taking an interesting turn. The Shiites, eternally grateful to the United States for liberating them, want the infidels out as of yesterday. They must have learned how to show gratitude by studying French history.
Then, joyously free of Saddam's oppressive rule, they want to set up a an oppressive theocracy along the lines of what Iran has. Oh, how I LOVE the smell of irony in the morning!!!! Pungent, yet tangy, with just a hint of sweetness!!
And then we have Mr. Rumsfeld declaring that the Iraqi people will be free to choose whatever form of government they want. Well, suppose they want a theocracy run by Mullahs with eighth grade educations? "Oh, well, any form of government EXCEPT that!" I appreciate that, sir. I can always use new recruits.
When will the United States figure out that when they meddle in the affairs of the Middle East, they are not dealing with rational people?
Anyway, I can hardly wait for the Shiites to take over and impose their rule based on a strict, literal interpretation of the Koran.... Kind of like what Jerry Falwell wants to do with the bible in America.
And once the new Iraqi government is in place, maybe I'll have a place to live again. Granted, I'm a Sunni, and we don't usually get along with the Shiites. But during a Jihad, it is important for us to put aside our ancient differences and fight as one people against our common enemy, the United States of Satan. Together, we can slaughter millions of innocent unarmed (the innocent unarmed ones are always much easier to slaughter) women and children. Then, once we are victorious and have established the United States of Allah, we Sunnis and Shiites can turn to the more mundane task of slaughtering each other.

Saddam had the audacity to ask if he could stay with me a while. I told him there wasn't a chance in Haj. I went out on a limb for that guy by calling for a Jihad and what does he do? Gives up faster than the French ever did!! What a pussy.... That's the last time I put MY credibility on the line for anyone!
What makes it even worse is all these torture chambers that are coming to light. Look, I'm in favor of pulling the fingernails off one by one from helpless innocent infidels every bit as much as the next fanatical militant with a warped sense of religious duty. Not a damn thing wrong with that. But when you start doing that sort of thing to fellow Muslims...
Well, that's just sick.

HOLY MOTHER OF MECCA!!!!!!! And to think I once showered with this man!!!
But ONLY because we were in the middle of a desert and water was hard to come by, okay?

Abu Abbas has been arrested in Iraq. And of course the infidels are touting this as a major victory in their so-called "War on Terror." Yeah, right.
Now don't get me wrong: Abu is a nice guy and all, but he really botched that whole Achille Lauro thing. He hijacked an entire ship with 320 people on it, and he only killed one person?!?! What in Allah's name was he thinking?!?!
I had a hard time forgiving him for that and didn't speak to him for years. Then he sent a congratulatory me note in September of 2001, said he was very impressed (as I'm sure most people were), and we've exchanged a few emails since then. He even sent me a Ramadan card last year, which I thought was nice of him. Cute card, too. Something involving Camels, bunny rabbits, and time bombs, as I recall.
Anyway, we supposed to get together for drinks at TerrorCon 2003 next month at the Damascus Hilton. Maybe check out some of the booths for the latest innovations in plastic explosives and suicide vests.

The fool infidels at blogger.com (aka blogspot.com) continue to vex me. They can not or will not fix their systems. They have had longstanding problems with the formatting of their archives, problems that they are taking their time to fix. I even paid them money (infidel US dollars, no less) to upgrade the site because I believed in their promise that the additional money would fix the problem. Those promises turned out to be empty falsehoods.The only solution, which is an unsatisfactory one, is to reset my blog's timezone to PST.
Well, that's stupid. I'm not in the blasted PST; I am somewhere along the Afghan/Pakistan border.... Um, I mean, MAYBE I'm along the border... Or maybe not. But I am definitely some place where those evil bloodsucking villianous stooges of Satan can not find me..
Nonetheless, I have reset my site to fix this unholy satanic problem. Hopefully this half-a*s solution is only a temporary one.
If you, dear reader, want to start a blog of your own, I suggest you find someone OTHER than blogger.com to host it. They have no scruples about lying to you, ignoring your inquiries, and deceiving you, and ramming hot iron rods up your orifices. You must face the miserable truth: If I, a world renown and well respected major terrorist can't get satisfaction from these people, what chance do you, a mere meaningless speck in the universe whose worthless existence matters not one whit, have?
When the time comes, I shall be sure to use a rusty, unsanitary blade to disembowel them.

Those stupid Iraqis apparently misunderstood my instructions!! They were supposed to blow up the arriving infidel forces, NOT celebrate their arrival!!!
What a bunch of nimrods.

On the one hand, I am pleased by the suicide bombings that are beginning to occur in Iraq. But at the same time, I am concerned as to who is training these people. Where are they learning their craft? Are they graduating from a certified suicide bombing academy, or are are they freelancing? Not just any idiot can be a suicide bomber, you know. It takes months of rigorous training. But when amateurs go out there and start blowing themselves up, it demeans the entire profession.

I am getting really tired of all the attention Saddam is getting. Now the Washington Post has written about his blog, and listed this site's address! But I don't let him post here any more since he got too big for his britches. While I certainly appreciate your visit to my humble homepage, you can find Mr. Anthrax at his very own site, saddamhussein.blogpot.com.
Not that I'm bitter or anything.....

The war in Iraq has had the expected effect on our recruiting efforts. Applications at our terror schools have soared dramatically. This boom comes just as we are set to begin offering a new graduate program in biological terror.
On the other hand, our new popularity is very much a double edged sword. With more applicants, our quality of recruits obviously goes up. On the other hand, the smarter students quickly figure out that no matter how good you are at it, suicide bombing carries limited opportunities for career advancement.

There are things in this world that even Allah would be hardpressed to explain....
For example, we have been constantly on the run for months now. Every day we move to a new cave, or a new campsite, or a new mountain pass.
The world's top law enforcement agencies have been searching for us since the fall of 2001, but to no avail.
Even the world's most powerful and technologically advanced military force has been engaged in a massive, unrelenting hunt for our hideouts. Yet they, too, have repeatedly failed to track us down.
Quite frankly, there are times even WE don't know where in the name of Mecca we are.
In light of all this, how is it that those cursed free AOL Version 8 disks continue to find us?

A couple of days ago it looked like Saddam was getting his ass kicked. Not any more, though. His Republican Guard units are a tough bunch. I wish I had had them here in Afghanistan instead of those worthless Taliban fighters. They were worse than the French. Things might have turned out differently, and it would be Bush and Cheney trying to hide in caves.
Come to think of it, Cheney does that on a routine basis, doesn't he? That means I'm halfway there!
Tell you what, Mr. Bush.... Let's just call it a draw.

Thank Allah that James Gandolfini and HBO have settled their differences. I was prepared to disembowel the actor if he continued to refuse to go back to work. I simply must have my weekly Sopranos fix if I am to go on....
Gandolfini has certainly "grown" into the role, if you know what I mean. The man has gained some serious tonnage over the last four seasons. He claims to be in WASTE management, but he really should be in WAIST management. I would have needed a heavy duty sword for his disembowelment.
I love the Sopranos. I TiVo it every week, even when it's in reruns. In fact, I have tried to model my management style after Tony Soprano.
Granted, there are some subtle differences; for example, he relies on a a quick bullet to the back of the head to enforce his personnel decisions whereas I prefer a slow torturous death, achieved incrementally through the removal of non-essential internal organs one by one. And while the FBI is after both us, I also have the CIA, Interpol, Pakistani security forces, and the combined weight of the entire United States of Satan military on my tail. That's a subtle difference, but I'm quite proud of it.
But aside from that, we both prefer a no-nonsense approach in our dealings with others, and never take "No" for an answer.

Once I emerge triumphant from the current brouhaha, I'm going to need a new cabinet. Most of the members of the old one are still buried in the rubble of my command bunker. And since it's obvious that it was a highly placed spy that gave away my location last Thursday morning, I'll have to execute not only the surviving cabinet members, but everyone else I know. Then I'll execute everyone they know, and then I'll execute everyone THEY know. I want to cover at least three degrees of separation.
Consequently, I remain on the lookout for new, potential cabinet ministers. Prior experience is not necessary, since I'll be making all the decisions myself. What is required, however, is a shared hatred of the United States, its system of government, and all that its flag represents.
That's why I tuned in to the Academy Awards show last night. Where else can one find a greater concentration of America bashers than in Hollywood? Outside of Paris, I mean.
And I was not disappointed! The man who most caught my attention was Michael Moore when he won for best documentary. Okay, that's a stupid category, but I found his acceptance speech both moving and inspirational. He referred to Bush as a "fictional President" and called the current conflict a "fictional war." From where I'm cowering, it doesn't look TOO fictional at the moment, but it's the thought that counts. By the time he finished, I was openly weeping tears of joy. I don't normally show such emotion in front of my closest aids, but they'll soon be dead, so who cares?
When the time comes to rebuild Iraq, I shall name Mr. Moore my Minister of Propaganda. Of course, he will have to shave and get a haircut first.....

Well, it's about time...! CNN has FINALLY decided to tell the truth about the evil being unleashed upon my poor, helpless nation. A peace loving nation that has never EVER hurt anyone! Not even a fly!!!
Well, okay, there was that thing with the mustard gas and the 15,000 Kurds, but that doesn't really count. Those were Kurds, after all, not people or insects.

They're bombing me again. I can wait them out, though. Sooner or later, they're bound to run out of bombs.
This whole situation points out the fundamental problem with democracy: Every few years they have these things called elections. True, I have had elections here as well, but under the west's system, you're NOT allowed to shoot the people that vote against you. That adds an unacceptable level of uncertainty to the outcome.
Consequently, western countries are subject to periodic changes in leadership. That also leads to broader changes in governmental policies.
That is not fair to dictators like me. We get used to doing things a certain way and become used to thumbing our noses at world opinion. We do this because there are never any serious consequences. Granted, they impose sanctions, and on occassion lob a cruise missile or two at us, but that's it. And sanctions are not a big deal. Invariably, there are loopholes allowing for "humanitarian" reasons. But we can always skim a little (Okay, sometimes a lot) off the top to build lavish palaces and buy forbidden weapons. But again, we do this because we can. It's a great little scam.
Then all of a sudden, some big powerful democratic country has one of those election things, someone new takes over, and suddenly they actually MEAN what they say?!?! How the hell is someone like me supposed to know when they're serious in their threats to invade?
I miss Bill Clinton.

I never did get a chance to go to the store. Between the shrapnel, fireballs, flying body parts, and collapsing buildings, it just wasn't safe to venture out. But even in here, I couldn't sleep because of the racket. And when I don't get enough sleep, I get cranky. And when I get cranky, I gas the Kurds. That has never failed to make me feel better when I'm feeling down.
But now I can't even do that! The phone lines have been cut, and my cellphone doesn't seem to work right either. Damn Verizon people deserve to be taken out and shot. Or did I do that last month....? No, no... I'm thinking of the Microsoft Tech Support team that was stationed here in Baghdad. Those people DEFINITELY deserved to be shot.
The Verizon people will be next, assuming I can eventually dig my way out of this bunker. Every time I try calling someone, all I get is this annoying voice that says, "Hey Saddam, can you hear us now.....? Good."
I knew I should have gone with T-Mobile. That Catherine Zeta-Jones is hot.

Well, I've almost used up all my Scuds, which is actually pretty good, since I didn't have any to begin with. HA HA HA!!!! Fooled that dumb Swede, Hans Blix, though.
You've probably heard that the Americans are meeting with light resistance, and that my troops are surrendering en masse. This is all part of my brilliant military strategy to lull the invading hoardes into a false sense of confidence. Just wait till they get to Baghdad!! Or more precisely, what's LEFT of Baghdad.
Does Amazon.Com sell hearing aids? I need one after what happened in that bunker the other day. That was louder than that Who concert I went to back in '75.
Anyway, I better stock up for what promises to be a long seige. I'm going to head over to my favorite store for supplies.