There is nothing nobler than martyrdom, and there's no finer way to achieve that than with a suicide bombing. It's like the Koran says: If you must die, have a blast while doing it.
It does TOO say that.... At least in my copy of the Koran it does. Really. In the margins. Where I, um, kind of wrote notes to myself.
So technically it does say that in the Koran.
No, I am not stretching the truth. Stretching the truth is when you start arguing that oral sex is not really sex, depending on how you define the word "is," okay? So get off my back.
Anyway, the point I was trying to make was that these two female Chechnyan suicide bombers near Moscow died a noble death. Messy, yes, but noble nonetheless. And believe me, there's nothing sexier than a woman with 30 pounds of explosives strapped to her waist.
Now some of you are probably saying to yourselves, "Yo, Osama, wassup!!! So, like, if male suicide bombers get 72 virgins, what do the female ones get?"
Excellent question. And the answer is, they get to do the dishes!!
You see, after all the male martyrs are finished doing the dirty deed over and over 72 times, they work up quite an appetite, and there is a massive feast with many fine foods and drinks. Things like roasted lambs, pork ribs, buffalo wings, steaks fresh off the grill, potato salad, cranberry sauce (from a can, so those little ridges are still visible), and Margaritas. With those cute little umbrella things, of course.
Needless to say, afterwards there is one hell of mess to clean up, and the honor falls to the women. Actually, they used to use Mexicans, but then Allah decided to crack down on the green cards. That's why we began encouraging women to blow themselves up.
Who says Islam isn't progrssive?