I see that the American lapdogs of Satan have finally figured out how I got away from them at Tora Bora. It was such a simple trick, really: I knew they would be trying to track me by way of my cellphone signal, so I gave it to one of my trusted bodyguards, Abdallah Tabarak. He went one way while I went another. Sure enough, the vermin infested forces of darkness followed Tabarak and eventually caught up with him. I shall beseech Allah to reward him with extra virgins when his time for martyrdom comes. This would probably rule out the women on Joe Millionaire, however, since I rather doubt any of them are still virgins.... Except Melissa M, of course.
The bile spewing Americans appear to be mystified as to how I knew what they were up to. Quite simple, actually: I subscribe to the Washington Post. They were constantly writing in detail about the latest attempts to capture me.
Mama Laden didn't raise no fools.