I am hereby claiming responsibilty for those explosions on the sun. What, you doubt I could pull off something so dramatic?
Well, let me ask you this: Has anyone else claimed responsibilty for them?
No? Well, then I rest my case.

----------Tony Auth, Philadelphia Inquirer

Sometimes people say to me, "Osama, how is it that you keep recruiting fresh idiots to your cause?"
Well, it's quite easy, actually: I just tell them that the infidels have declared war on Islam and are seeking to wipe us out. And if anyone doubts that's true, they only need to read what General William Boykin had to say recently.
While addressing groups of godless Christian evangelicals, he came right and said that Christianity is at war with Islam. This from a top leader of the Great Satan's armies!!! Of course, now that he has accidentally spoken the truth, he is trying to apologize, but it's too late.
I've already included his words in pamphlets for our fall recruiting campaign.

----------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

So how did you like my terrorist attack in Chicago the other day? I'm talking about Steve Bartman, who tried to grab the foul ball and in so doing crushed the hopes and dreams of millions of Cubs fans. He also prolonged an ancient curse dating back a thousand years to the time of the Crusades.
That's right: Steve was no ordinary fan: He was actually an Al Qaeda operative. And the best part is, it may yet turn out to have been a suicide mission!

And what's this about a woman winning the Nobel Peace Prize? Even worse, a Muslim woman?!?!?
Allah is going to majorly pissed when he hears about this.....

American televangelist and leading infidel preacher man Pat Robertson says he would love to get a nuclear device into Foggy Bottom and blow up the US State Department.
WOW!!!! The more I learn about this guy, the more I come to realize how much the two of us have in common!
I guess not all Christians are bad after all.

----------Steve Benson, Arizona Republic

Saddam and I were talking just the other day about when we were growing up, and our favorite children's games at the time. And aside from "Pin the Tail on the Jew," we both agreed that our next favorite game was "Hide and Seek."
Somehow we don't think George W. Bush was very good at that.

----------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free-Press

Great. They've arrested a third spy at Guantanomo Bay. That reduces the number of my operatives there by almost 15%.
Another dozen arrests & I'll have to start to getting my news from Fox.