What can I say? Everyone needs a hobby. Studies even show that having a fulfilling pastime leads to better health and increased longevity!

----------Joe Heller, Green Bay Gazette

I have just heard some highly disturbing news out of the United States: Apparently several hundred airline pilots are now authorized to carry guns! Now why did they go and do that?! Has anyone considered that such a thing can be dangerous? Someone could even get shot!!
Suppose someone, for no reason in particular, would prefer to fly on a plane that does NOT have armed pilots. Is there a way to find out? Perhaps such information could be listed online.

I can only conclude that drug abuse among the infidels' military units is rampant. How else to explain the remarks that this General Peter Pace just made? According to him, "Bin Ladn is out of the picture."
Really!?! Well, that's certainly news to me. And I'm sure it also comes as a shock to the people of Istanbul who are now afraid to crawl out from under their beds.
Even more important, what kind of stupid name is "Peter Pace?" Is that even real? You know, this could be some sort of clumsy CIA attempt to confuse me. That's the only possible reason someone would say I'm no longer a factor.

Those car bomb attacks in Turkey a few days ago? Yeah, they were my handiwork. Well, technically it was the Abu-Hafs al-Masri Brigades, but they're a fully vested subsidiary of ours. We bought 'em out last year and integrated their services into the existing Al Qaeda product line.
That's how you survive and grow in this era of globalization.

If I didn't know better, I'd say this guy is mocking me! Either that, or he's completely missing the point of terrorism.

----------Tony Auth, Philadelphia Inquirer

The FBI now admits that it can't infiltrate Al Qaeda with undercover agents. Well.... DUH!! This really shouldn't surprise anyone.
My cause is just, after all. I mean, what could be more noble than the killing of innocent, unarmed civilians on a beautiful, sunny morning, who are sitting at their desks drinking coffee and reading that morning's "Dilbert?" My followers realize that, and that knowledge in turn inspires great devotion among those that wish to martyr themselves. Well, that, and the thing with the 72 naked, horny virgins tends to help as well. So any potential undercover agents would quickly be seduced by our benefits package.
Plus, guys speaking Arabic with a Georgia accent tend to stick out around here.

Did you hear about the 240 people that were trampled during a stampede at Mecca? Now that's devotion! You never hear about Catholics getting trampled while getting communion, or Jehova's Witnesses stampeding to knock on someone's door.

Ain't Islam grand?

I was starting to feel quite neglected over here in Afghanistan.... Or maybe it's Pakistan.... Or Iran..... Could also be a suburb of Jersey City. Who knows where I am?
Anyway, it's good to be back in the news. Now the Americans are worried that my followers may hijack cargo planes. Rest assured that IF we do, we'll be quite particular about WHICH cargo planes we steal. After all, what was that old commercial...? When you absolutely, positively have to inflict terror the next day....?
However, if I were you, I would be much more concerned about what I plan to do with the moon tomorrow night. That's right: I'm going to make it disappear!!
Just try and stop me.

I see that the popularity of my favorite TV show is spreading rapidly throughout the world.