There are few things I enjoy more than friendly banter with my infidel readers.... Well, with the possible exception of disemboweling my infidel readers! But unfortunately you're there and I'm here (wherever that may be), so I'll have to settle for banter.... At least for now.

Reader and cowering unholy vermin Tung-Yin writes: Hey, Ossie, some people think that you've been badly disfigured by U.S. attacks, which is why there are no new videotapes of you calling for jihad -- only audiotapes. Is that true? If it is, why don't you show your disfigured face? After all, we Americans are pretty squeamish. Your blistered, scarred face could give a whole generation of kids nightmares and heebie-jeebies. Hey, you could be the new Boogieman!

First let me allay your fears by assuring you that my face is perfectly fine, except for the occasional zit when I eat chocolate. The problem with video messages is that you have to record them on--duh!--video cameras!! The battery on the one we had been using has died, a situation I'm none too happy about.

They claim that those new fangled rechargeable lithium ion rechargeable batteries don't develop a "memory" the way the old nickel cadmium ones used to. And yes, I suppose that's true. But what they DON'T tell you is that the damn things only last about two years before they become worthless paper weights.

It's the exact same problem I'm having with my Apple Ipod.

Needless to say, there aren't too many Best Buy stores along the Afghan/Pakistani frontier, so it's not like I can just run right out and buy a new camcorder battery. But the double A's I can steal--er, I mean "buy"--from any convenience store. And they work great in my Sony Walkman/recorder.

Whch brings me to my next point: All the convenience stores around here are run by foreigners. I think they're Americans or something, but I'm not sure. They all look alike to me.

Anyway, I can never understand what the hell they're saying.