I just found out that Madonna was tongue kissing Britney Spears and Christina Agilera on the MTV Video Music Awards. This is truly shocking!!! I mean, I didn't even know MTV still played music videos!!!!!
But beyond the shock of that profound revelation, I find that this entire incident is a perfect example of the decadance that has come to permeate every aspect of western civilization. Of course, I will have to tape this disgusting spectacle of wanton temptations of the flesh when they rerun it. Why, you ask?
Well, uh.... Er.... So that I may repeatedly review it, both in slow motion and freeze frame modes, and stare at it for hours at a time so that I may more fully immunize myself against the unholy effects of scantily clad females making out with one another.
Yes, it's a dirty job, but somebody has to do it.

Hmmm.... Tonight's close encounter with Mars represents a missed opportunity for us. What we should have done is trained suicide astrophysicists to go to Mars and hijack it. Instead, we'll just sitting here, staring at the sky, and marvelling at the vastness of Allah's creation. It is at such moments that I realize how petty our differences on here on Earth seem. For if you think about it, do we all not bleed the same blood when cut? But then I'll hear about another bus bombing in Israel and come to my senses.
Well, as I understand it, we'll have another chance in 284 years.

----------Dana Summers, Orlando Sentinel

I may be a world renown terrorist, and people may cower at the mere mention of my name, but I still have many friends Why, just today I have received dozens of emails from total strangers talking about some "wicked new screensaver." How very thoughtful!! Now I don't usually bother with spam, but I think I'll ceck this one out.
Hmmm.... It's a ".pif" attachment. Haven't heard of that kind before, but let me open it and see what hap

Ah, the internet is a wonderful place!!

That big blackout over there in SatanLand was really something, eh? Left me feeling pretty good about myself. No, I wasn't responsible for it, though I wish I had been.
However, look at the very first thought on everyone's minds when the magnitude of the event began to sink in: "Is it terrorism?"
I may not have succeeded in blowing anything up in America for a while, but the fact that I'm the VERY FIRST thing people think of when something horrible happens is quite an accomplishment.
Gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling inside just thinking about that.

My plan to run for governor of California and set up an Islamic state in North America has met with some unexpected obstacles.
Chief among these is that the deadline was some 28 hours ago. And even if I had managed to weasel out a brief extension by holding an airliner full of little old ladies hostage, it probably wouldn't have helped. I checked on both Orbitz.com and Travelocity, and at best it would have taken me 12 days by freighter to get to America.
Yes, freighter. Couldn't find any cruise ships that go from Kandahar to Los Angeles. And the fact that Afghanistan is a landlocked country only added further obstacles to the cruise option. But that's really my only alternative for intercontinental travel since I refuse to fly.
Too many damn wackos on planes nowadays.
Anyway, I think I would enjoyed being governor. When I think of how I could have used my new found legitamacy to spread Allah's word, I break out in goosebumps. For example, you know those big letters that spell out HOLLYWOOD on that mountainside? I would have replaced with something a little more dignified and in keeping with my interpretation of the Koran.... Such as DEATH TO INFIDELS.
Of course, I would have immediately abolished the film industry. Too many false idols in that business. And all the former Hollywood actresses would have been forced to wear burqas, so there would have been no further need for plastic surgeons. And the state is already short on electricty, so I would have felt right at home in that regard.
However, I would have left Berkely alone. They're already anti-American enough.

I can certainly sympathize with Verizon's labor problems. I myself am dealing with a disgruntled suicide bombers' union.

I see that my operative Zacarias Moussaoui is continuing to carry out his assigned attacks against the United States. You see, everyone thinks he was supposed to be the 20th hijacker, but that was never the case. Turns out he would throw up every time he as much as looked at an airplane, which makes hijacking one just a bit difficult.... And messy.
Anyway, he was always getting on all the other terrorists' nerves with his know-it-all, bookish attitude. He was a typical geek, in other words. But we decided to put those traits to work for us by making sure he got arrested. Now he's in jail, working on his own defense, and increasingly tying up the courts with his incessant apeals, briefs, and motions. Soon the infidels' entire legal system will grind to a halt.
Pretty clever, eh?