I am getting really tired of all the attention Saddam is getting. Now the Washington Post has written about his blog, and listed this site's address! But I don't let him post here any more since he got too big for his britches. While I certainly appreciate your visit to my humble homepage, you can find Mr. Anthrax at his very own site, saddamhussein.blogpot.com.
Not that I'm bitter or anything.....

The war in Iraq has had the expected effect on our recruiting efforts. Applications at our terror schools have soared dramatically. This boom comes just as we are set to begin offering a new graduate program in biological terror.
On the other hand, our new popularity is very much a double edged sword. With more applicants, our quality of recruits obviously goes up. On the other hand, the smarter students quickly figure out that no matter how good you are at it, suicide bombing carries limited opportunities for career advancement.

There are things in this world that even Allah would be hardpressed to explain....
For example, we have been constantly on the run for months now. Every day we move to a new cave, or a new campsite, or a new mountain pass.
The world's top law enforcement agencies have been searching for us since the fall of 2001, but to no avail.
Even the world's most powerful and technologically advanced military force has been engaged in a massive, unrelenting hunt for our hideouts. Yet they, too, have repeatedly failed to track us down.
Quite frankly, there are times even WE don't know where in the name of Mecca we are.
In light of all this, how is it that those cursed free AOL Version 8 disks continue to find us?

A couple of days ago it looked like Saddam was getting his ass kicked. Not any more, though. His Republican Guard units are a tough bunch. I wish I had had them here in Afghanistan instead of those worthless Taliban fighters. They were worse than the French. Things might have turned out differently, and it would be Bush and Cheney trying to hide in caves.
Come to think of it, Cheney does that on a routine basis, doesn't he? That means I'm halfway there!
Tell you what, Mr. Bush.... Let's just call it a draw.

Thank Allah that James Gandolfini and HBO have settled their differences. I was prepared to disembowel the actor if he continued to refuse to go back to work. I simply must have my weekly Sopranos fix if I am to go on....
Gandolfini has certainly "grown" into the role, if you know what I mean. The man has gained some serious tonnage over the last four seasons. He claims to be in WASTE management, but he really should be in WAIST management. I would have needed a heavy duty sword for his disembowelment.
I love the Sopranos. I TiVo it every week, even when it's in reruns. In fact, I have tried to model my management style after Tony Soprano.
Granted, there are some subtle differences; for example, he relies on a a quick bullet to the back of the head to enforce his personnel decisions whereas I prefer a slow torturous death, achieved incrementally through the removal of non-essential internal organs one by one. And while the FBI is after both us, I also have the CIA, Interpol, Pakistani security forces, and the combined weight of the entire United States of Satan military on my tail. That's a subtle difference, but I'm quite proud of it.
But aside from that, we both prefer a no-nonsense approach in our dealings with others, and never take "No" for an answer.

Once I emerge triumphant from the current brouhaha, I'm going to need a new cabinet. Most of the members of the old one are still buried in the rubble of my command bunker. And since it's obvious that it was a highly placed spy that gave away my location last Thursday morning, I'll have to execute not only the surviving cabinet members, but everyone else I know. Then I'll execute everyone they know, and then I'll execute everyone THEY know. I want to cover at least three degrees of separation.
Consequently, I remain on the lookout for new, potential cabinet ministers. Prior experience is not necessary, since I'll be making all the decisions myself. What is required, however, is a shared hatred of the United States, its system of government, and all that its flag represents.
That's why I tuned in to the Academy Awards show last night. Where else can one find a greater concentration of America bashers than in Hollywood? Outside of Paris, I mean.
And I was not disappointed! The man who most caught my attention was Michael Moore when he won for best documentary. Okay, that's a stupid category, but I found his acceptance speech both moving and inspirational. He referred to Bush as a "fictional President" and called the current conflict a "fictional war." From where I'm cowering, it doesn't look TOO fictional at the moment, but it's the thought that counts. By the time he finished, I was openly weeping tears of joy. I don't normally show such emotion in front of my closest aids, but they'll soon be dead, so who cares?
When the time comes to rebuild Iraq, I shall name Mr. Moore my Minister of Propaganda. Of course, he will have to shave and get a haircut first.....

Well, it's about time...! CNN has FINALLY decided to tell the truth about the evil being unleashed upon my poor, helpless nation. A peace loving nation that has never EVER hurt anyone! Not even a fly!!!
Well, okay, there was that thing with the mustard gas and the 15,000 Kurds, but that doesn't really count. Those were Kurds, after all, not people or insects.

They're bombing me again. I can wait them out, though. Sooner or later, they're bound to run out of bombs.
This whole situation points out the fundamental problem with democracy: Every few years they have these things called elections. True, I have had elections here as well, but under the west's system, you're NOT allowed to shoot the people that vote against you. That adds an unacceptable level of uncertainty to the outcome.
Consequently, western countries are subject to periodic changes in leadership. That also leads to broader changes in governmental policies.
That is not fair to dictators like me. We get used to doing things a certain way and become used to thumbing our noses at world opinion. We do this because there are never any serious consequences. Granted, they impose sanctions, and on occassion lob a cruise missile or two at us, but that's it. And sanctions are not a big deal. Invariably, there are loopholes allowing for "humanitarian" reasons. But we can always skim a little (Okay, sometimes a lot) off the top to build lavish palaces and buy forbidden weapons. But again, we do this because we can. It's a great little scam.
Then all of a sudden, some big powerful democratic country has one of those election things, someone new takes over, and suddenly they actually MEAN what they say?!?! How the hell is someone like me supposed to know when they're serious in their threats to invade?
I miss Bill Clinton.

I never did get a chance to go to the store. Between the shrapnel, fireballs, flying body parts, and collapsing buildings, it just wasn't safe to venture out. But even in here, I couldn't sleep because of the racket. And when I don't get enough sleep, I get cranky. And when I get cranky, I gas the Kurds. That has never failed to make me feel better when I'm feeling down.
But now I can't even do that! The phone lines have been cut, and my cellphone doesn't seem to work right either. Damn Verizon people deserve to be taken out and shot. Or did I do that last month....? No, no... I'm thinking of the Microsoft Tech Support team that was stationed here in Baghdad. Those people DEFINITELY deserved to be shot.
The Verizon people will be next, assuming I can eventually dig my way out of this bunker. Every time I try calling someone, all I get is this annoying voice that says, "Hey Saddam, can you hear us now.....? Good."
I knew I should have gone with T-Mobile. That Catherine Zeta-Jones is hot.

Well, I've almost used up all my Scuds, which is actually pretty good, since I didn't have any to begin with. HA HA HA!!!! Fooled that dumb Swede, Hans Blix, though.
You've probably heard that the Americans are meeting with light resistance, and that my troops are surrendering en masse. This is all part of my brilliant military strategy to lull the invading hoardes into a false sense of confidence. Just wait till they get to Baghdad!! Or more precisely, what's LEFT of Baghdad.
Does Amazon.Com sell hearing aids? I need one after what happened in that bunker the other day. That was louder than that Who concert I went to back in '75.
Anyway, I better stock up for what promises to be a long seige. I'm going to head over to my favorite store for supplies.

The men needed a break, so today they organized a game of "nogginball." Nogginball is a lot of fun, hones one's eye-hand coordination skills, builds a sense of comraderie among the participants, and is always a great morale booster.
If you've never played, the rules are fairly simple. You pick your teams and issue swords to the players. Then the whole field erupts into a giant, mass swordfight. This goes on until someone's head is severed and actually falls to the ground. At that point everyone sheathes their swords, and the lopped off head goes into play. This continues until one team or the other scores a goal.
When that happens, everyone pulls out their swords and resume fighting with them until someone again loses their head.
And so it goes until only one team has players left with their heads still attached. They win.
I myself no longer player. The cords and hoses from my dialysis machine would only get in the way. But I did letter in nogginball when I was a senior in high school. As a jock, I was quite popular with the chicks.
Now I just watch the games from the sidelines. But my favorite part is not the action on the field, but rather the cheerleaders on the sidelines. They are quite "exciting" to watch, if you know what I mean. Bouncing all around with their pom-poms, cheering their bosums out, it is truly a sight to behold.
But my favorite part is when, if look hard enough and long enough, you catch a quick glimpse of their ankles from under their burqas.

My sleeper cells in the Great Satan's homeland have notified me through coded, increased chatter that the best way to stop the Americans is with.... a tractor. I'm not sure I understand the significance of this, but I have passed the information on to Saddam. So far I have not heard back from him.
Hope he's okay.....

Nice try, Mr. Bush, but you missed. And quite frankly, I'm not very impressed so far.

Well, the 48 hour deadline has passed and there are no bombs falling and no American tanks rolling through the countryside. It is completely silent outside. Well, ALMOST completely silent, except for the wailing women & screaming children my soldiers have dragged out of their homes to use as human shields.
I knew all along Bush was bluffing.

I have been up all night looking for my mustard gas, but for the life of me, I can't remember where I put it.
I know I had ten tons of it a couple of weeks ago. That's when it was hidden in Mosul. Then I ordered it moved to Baqubah, and when the UN inspectors started snooping around there, it was supposed to be moved to Kirkuk. But according to IraqEx, it was shipped to Tikrit by mistake. From there it supposedly went to Bayji, but no one in Bayji remembers signing for it.
I've been calling IraqiExpress, but no one's answering the phone. I think the cowardly bastards have all fled to Jordan.
Sometimes it's lonely at the top.

Don't tell anyone, but I have begun consolidating my military forces in and around Baghdad.
I was afraid of what effect the current crisis would have on my family, but it doesn't seem to be bothering them. My sons continue to go about their daily business as usual, looting villages, pillaging women, and raping livestock.
I am very proud of them.

So Bush has delivered his ultimatum. Now let him enforce it. We Iraqis are a proud people and shall not surrender so easily. Sure, we gave up Kuwait without much of a fight, but that wasn't our soil. But now the Americans are talking about invading Baghdad itself. My people will fight to the death to defend their country. And if they don't, I will kill the sniveling cowards myself.
I will not leave Iraq. This is where I have lived my entire life. There is no way I will ever go into exile. My friends and most loyal followers are here by my side, and are prepared to lay down their lives to protect me. Am I right, people? Uh, I said, AM I RIGHT PEOPLE?! Hello? Hey, where'd everyone go?

Now those Americans really have me confused. For years they've been bitchin' and moanin' about how I wouldn't let UN inspectors into the country. So FINALLY I give in to their demands and let them in. Keep in mind this has been terribly inconvenient for me. Having to continuously keep moving our weapons of mass destruction--I mean ALLEGED weapons of mass destruction--from one location to another (supposedly, I mean) has not been easy. But we decided to do it, hoping against hope that Bush would stop harping on how I once gassed 5,000 Kurds. Gimme a break!!! That was 15 years ago!!! Give it a rest already!!!
Anyway, now he turns around and is telling the inspectors to get OUT of Iraq!?! Can't he make up his mind already? He's worse than a woman. "Should I wear these shoes or those shoes? This dress or that dress? Disarm him or completely change the regime?"
I just wish he'd stop waffling and show a little backbone.

Well, Bush and his two puppets from Britain and Spain have set a deadline of tomorrow for me to disarm. Big whoop. By my count, this is the 347th deadline in the last 12 years. Then again, the other 346 times didn't include 250,000 American and British troops breathing down my neck. Well, we'll see. Bush would have to be insane to attack me with the opposition he's facing both at home and abroad. I draw strength from those protesters. Why, it's better than Viagra!!! Um, not that I've EVER needed any artificial help to, um, "launch my Scud," if you know what I mean..... If Bush wants to see a REAL weapon of mass destruction, I got it hangin' right here!
Even the Dixie Chicks are on my side. Maybe I'll invite them to Baghdad and personally show them my big, massive, throbbing long range missile.
This latest summit meeting of the "Axis of Warmongers" is meant to intimidate me through a show of unity. HA, HA, HA.... Give me a break!! I mean, yes, the United States is certainly intimidating. The British TRY to be scary, but let's face it: They talk funny. And Spain? Now that's a hoot!!! Does Spain even HAVE an army?!? What are they going to do? Send bullfighters over here? Remember that whole Spanish Armada fiasco of theirs a few hundred years ago? So much for their navy.
On the other hand, the opposition to this supposedly coming war is much more unified. Russia, China, France, Germany, and the rest of Europe are all against it. Well, there was that one embarassing incident a few days ago when France surrendered to Germany. But that was cleared up when someone explained to Jacques Chirac that this time they were both on the same side.
Anyway, that's where things stand now.

Mmmmm.... Rahim smells quite sexy this morning....
HEY!!!! I think I just swallowed a grain of sand or something that was in my orange juice!!
I wonder how it got there?

I passed a kidney stone this morning. It was an extremely painful experience and not one I wish to ever repeat. I screamed like a little girl. And if that wasn't bad enough, all of a sudden shooting erupted in the camp. I thought this was it, that the Great Satan's evil warriors had found us. I even put on some cologne, for I thought I would finally be meeting those virgins which have been promised to me. But it turned out to be a false alarm of some sort. The trigger happy fools that guard Osama did manage to kill a number of our own mules, however. But at least now I have something to cook us for lunch.
Well, I better take Osama his orange juice.
It is good to be rid of that kidney stone.

We just getting ready to eat breakfast when someone began screaming. Of course, everyone immediately assumed we were under attack and pandemonium immediately erupted. After a quick search of the area we found no infidels. We did manage to shoot a number of our own men and mules. This is truly tragic, for mules are not easy to come by.
Never did find the source of that scream.

More bad news.... Yesterday we sent Yasir al-Jaziri out for some supplies. It was a simple list: Some bread, milk, toilet paper (preferably the kind with aloe and vitamin E), canned vegetables, radiological weapons, a foreign journalist or two, and some assorted pasta.
Well, he still hasn't come back, and we were beginning to get worried. For good reason, as it turns out: He's been arrested by Pakistani security forces!!!
Here I was, all set to get a good night's sleep, and now we have to pack up and move again. All this constant travel is getting real old real fast. And as if I didn't already have enough crap to carry, now I have drag these bags under my eyes up and down the damn mountains!
I'm starting to wonder if 72 virgins are enough for this kind of aggravation. Maybe James Gandolfini has the right idea, holding out for more money the way he is. Perhaps I should talk to my agent about holding out for more virgins.

I'm sure that many of you were concerned about my safety and well being. Good news. Turns out that noise was only a jackal looking for discarded foreign journalist parts.

No one ever said Jihad was easy, and the last couple of weeks have been particularly rough. I can't believe that idiot Khalid allowed his computer with all our secrets to fall into the hands of the infidels. How many times did I tell him, "If you're about to be martyred, blow up the laptop with a Stinger missile!!" But N-O-O-O-o-o-o-O-O-O!!!!!!!!! He didn't even think to erase the hard drive. What a putz!
Excuse me? "Putz" is a jewish term? Well, what I meant to say was... "What a .....PUTZ!!!" Yes, I know, I know. But I'm sorry, there's just no better way to describe Khalid, except to say that the man is a putz! And if you keep correcting me, I will be forced to remove your entrails and give you a pair of my "special" shoes with the smoking shoelaces.
Someone's coming. Now I must scurry away and hide like a rat.

I routinely receive emails for products which promise to somehow make me bigger. Well, I have bought some of these pills but have been VERY disappointed in the results. I keep measuring myself on a daily basis, and I have not gotten any taller.
On the other hand, my goat appears to be much happier for some reason.

I have a cellmate now. His name is "Big Bubba." His back is almost as hairy as mine. Big Bubba wants to make me his "bitch," whatever that means. I guess I'll find out soon enough.

Oh sh*t....

May Allah bless and protect Congressman James Moran of Virginia. Yes, he is an infidel, but he is an enlightened infidel who is not afraid to speak the truth.
In a recent speech, Mr. Moran identified the true force pushing for war in Iraq: The jews!!
Perhaps I shall make him an honorary member of Al Qaeda.

Someone has designed a game called "Squash-A-Terrorist." Fortunately it has nothing to do with us since we have no terrorists in Al Qaeda. Plenty of Holy Warriors, but no terrorists.
Perhaps I will design a video game called "Dismember an Infidel." It should be popular around these parts.

People often say to me, "Osama, it's all fine & dandy to want to slaughter defenseless infidels by the thousands, but do you have any vision of what an Islamic America would even look like?"
Well, as a matter of fact I do, and I imagine it would look something like this.

We had something very bizarre happen overnight.... It was about 3 AM when this very strange man with a cellphone came wandering through the camp. He would take a few steps, then ask someone on the other end of his call, "Can you hear me now?" Then he would take a few more steps and repeat the question, "Can you hear me now?" This went on for a few minutes. Finally the intruder's question became so annoying that we disemboweled him and let the wild animals following us feast on his remains. . At that point, NO ONE could hear him any more.
There was one curious development shortly thereafter.... Now one of the jackals, instead of roaring when it opens its mouth, ends up playing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame."
At least we know what became of the cellphone....

It has now been a week since they captured me, and I am being subjected to ever-increasings amounts of brutality. For example, today I learned that I must shower once a week whether I need to or not.
Such frequent bathing is a direct affront to Allah.

Well, this was certinly a pleasant surprise!! The Americans just gave me a wonderful present: A brand new Ford Explorer with a set of four Firestone tires!
I guess they really like me after all!

Watched the Bush's press conference. Very interesting. Not many people know this, but I sometimes hold press conferences. Then at the end of the press conferences, assuming I liked the questions, we release the reporters' families. It's always nice to see those tearful reunions of the survivors.
Anyway, I wasn't particularly impressed. Bush really didn't have anything new to say. Just the usual stuff about kicking my butt if I don't give up my weapons of mass destruction, which I don't have and will not hesitate to use when the United States attacks. Um, I mean, I would not hesitate to use IF I had them. But I don't. Really. Don't know what he's talking about.
I do appreciate him saying that he will tell the UN inspectors to leave before he launches his attack. That should give me plenty of time to be conveniently out of town on the big day.

While the loss of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is certainly an unexpected blow to our noble goal of spreading death, destruction and mayhem so that the infidels may better appreciate the peaceful teachings of Allah, it is by no means fatal. We have any number of talented YUMITs (Young, Upwardly Mobile Islamic Terrorists) eager to fill the void.
The real problem we are faced with is that we don't know what Khalie is telling his evil captors. If the Americans are the ones interrogating him, we have nothing to worry about. They are much too concerned about violating people's civil rights, and will never be able to extract any useful information from him.
On the other hand, if the Pakistani authorities are the ones asking him the questions, then we may be in trouble. They're a rough bunch, and won't hesitate to use electrodes and cattle prods on one's, shall we say, "delicate parts." And if that happens, Khalie will be singing like a canary in heat. I should know, because the man is a wimp. He loves to dish out pain but can't take it himself. Cries like a baby when something hurts.
I remember one time Khalie fell off his camel (brilliant terrorist mastermind, but clumsy as hell) and landed on a scorpion, which promptly stung him. I ended up having to suck the poison out of his ass. He was screaming the whole time like a little girl being stoned for going to school.
Consequently we have begun moving around more than we used to. Even I don't know where we are any more. Hopefully we'll come across a Radio Shack soon so we can buy a GPS unit. And some batteries. Plus I need one of those adaptors for a big headphone plug to a mini headphone plug.
Then we'll disembowel the clerks and blow up the store.

Well, we have confirmed that the forces of evil have captured Khalie. I do not understand why Allah has allowed this to happen, but I'm sure he has his reasons.
The arrest came as a total surprise to us. We were at a Code Green infidel alert level when it happened. I suppose a certain degree of complacency had set in because George W.Satan was so preoccupied with Iraq. Nonetheless, that does not excuse the fact that this represents a total failure of the Al Qaeda intelligence community. Heads will roll for this.
And when I say that, I'm not referring to some "Official Letter Of Reprimand" placed in some terrorist's personnel file. I mean, quite literally, that heads will roll. They'll be rolling right down the mountainside, bouncing off rocks on the way down.

I went shopping today. All the K-Marts and Wal-Marts have been turned into Targets for some reason.
Very odd....

Well, this is a real pisser.... Apparently Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has been arrested... By Pakistan, no less!!!! I hope Musharraf is being well paid for betraying Islam like this, for Allah is reserving a special place in Hell for him. Needless to say, he will have no virgins eagerly awaiting his arrival in Paradise.
IF true, this would be a major setback for us.
Khalie got his start in the business by pulling the legs off of grasshoppers. As he grew older, he went on to tormenting small, helpless animals. This sick behavior quickly came to my attention, and I personally invited him to join Al Qaeda. Khalie eventually become my right hand man. While I provided the words of inspiration that would motivate our followers, he provided the plans by which we would unleash mayhem upon the infidels. It was a good, solid, and highly productive working relationship.
The American snakes are not yet certain they have the right person, however. And we have no immediate way of contacting Khalie since he has an unlisted number--he was tired of the damn telemarketers always calling when he was in the middle of torturing kidnapped journalists. Plus, I've heard it said that we all look alike to the Americans, so there is still hope they have the wrong man.
Come to think of it, the Americans all look alike to me. as well. Except for Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice.... There's something different about those two, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

One of the very few things I like about the United States is their free press. They can print whatever they want, and the President is powerless to have them executed. What the hell kind of President is THAT?
And sometimes this free press prints things that are incredibly helpful to me. For example, USAToday has published an article outlining their military's plans for waging war on my poor, impoverished nation. Why, I myself have been reduced to making do with a mere 17 grand palaces. We can barely afford to pay our nuclear physicists.... Um, I mean, IF we had nuclear physicists, THEN we could barely afford to pay them.... Anyway, these published plans have proven to be immensely helpful in the planning of my defenses.
My spies, on the other hand, have proven to be worthless. Every time we send someone over there, they defect!! Then I'm forced to kill their wives, children, parents, in-laws, nephews, cousins, and paperboys. Then what happens? I get yelled at by human rights groups! It's just not fair.
Anyway, they defect and get jobs in America driving cabs, or working in something called a "7-11," or serving as HMO primary caregivers. These treacherous SOB's claim that such menial jobs are somehow better than the wide array of career paths available to them here, such as working as an (alleged) poison gas tester, or operating a (make-believe) nuclear reactor, or, most respected of all, a job artificially inseminating camels.
Why would anyone want to live any place else?