My good friend Osama has offered to let me use his weblog to prove my innocence. I will be back tomorrow, but now I have to go stir my Sarin.... Um, I mean SOUP! I'm making, um, chicken soup. Yeah, that's it!

One of my greatest fears was that the beast known as AOL Time-Warner would buy Al Jazeera, thus depriving me of my ability to inspire my Muslim legions. However, those fools just posted a $99 billion loss, so they'll be lucky to be able to buy a box of paperclips. I used to have respect for Time-Warner, even if they were unholy puppets of the evil US government.. But then they got mixed up with AOL, and everyone knows AOL sucks. I mean, even I know that, for crying out loud, and I have a 12th century mindset and routinely engage in intimate relations with medium size farm animals!!!
The people responsible for that merger, on the other hand, went to many years of college, had advanced degrees, and were considered to be highly intelligent, though unholy and destined to burn in hell. ! What were they thinking? We routinely use those free AOL CD's they always send out for target practice. They shatter and burn quite nicely.
Allah works in mysterious ways.

I have just finished watching Satan's representative on Earth deliver his annual State of the Infidel Empire address, and my feelings are truly hurt. He NEVER--not even once--mentioned me by name. Oh sure, he referred to "al Qaeda" several times, and said that his forces of evil crusaders have arrested many of my district managers around the world, but what of ME? Don't I count for anything any more?!? Would it have been that difficult for him to utter the words "Osama bin Laden" just once?!? Doesn't he still hate me? Doesn't he want me dead or alive any more?!? I thought we had something special, the Bush and I. Obviously, that was all just a lie. Now it's "Saddam this" and "Hussein that." Fine. Forget Osama. He's yesterday's news.
Those Americans are a fickle bunch.

Well, Israel's Ariel Sharon and his Likud party have handily won reelection. This solves nothing, however, and in fact will only serve to further fuel the endless cycle of violence. The oppressive zionist state will continue to unfairly persecute the helpless Palestinian suicide bombers, who want nothing more than the freedom to exercise their right to slaughter innocent, unarmed civilians on buses.
Is this that too much to ask for?

Evan made a wise choice in booting Mojo, so I shall spare him his miserable existence for another week. She would have been my choice as well. And I continue to predict that Melissa M will be the final winner.
Still, I would not kick any of the remaining women out of my cave for eating crackers.

I have received encouraging news from our al Qaeda franchise in Britain, home to the the English lapdogs that serve the American Satan. They report that we are beginning to recruit at a much younger age.

We got up early to watch that unholy ritual of excess that so enthralls the American devils every January. It was very frustrating seeing such a target-rich stadium ripe for the picking while we're stuck here in... Well, never mind where we are. That jackal Rumsfeld may be reading this....
Anyway, my fellow Mujahedeen and I argued extensively about why they call it "football" if the ball is rarely touched by feet. But just as we were set to begin disemboweling one another, a commercial for an evil ale known as Miller Lite interrupted our revelry. This ad is a perfect example of the decadance which grips so much of the non-Islamic world.
It began with two fine looking women, who would have looked even better wearing burqas while tending to a flock of sheep, arguing about whether this tempting brewed liquid of theirs was "less filling" or "tastes great." Both female infidels evidently felt quite strongly about their respective positions as they were soon pushing and shoving one another. Suddenly they began tearing each other's clothes off, exposing temptation filled mounds of gorgeous forbidden flesh for all the world to see. Finally, the two dueling damsels ended up wrestling in a pool of mud. At this point the entire camp erupted in whooping and hollaring and celebration as we all shot our guns into the air. This proved to be a mistake, as the bullets soon fell back on us, martyring several of my men.
Afterwards, we all fell to our knees facing east, bowed our heads in prayer, and asked Allah to forgive our sinful display of lustful weakness.

I don't care what Osama says. I want some of that Miller Lite, whatever it is.

We just finished watching the halftime show of this thing called the Super Bowl. What in Allah's name was Shania Twain wearing?!?! She looked like Batgirl or something.

Perhaps it escaped from one of our sleeper cells stationed in the area. Allah permits such companionship when Holy Warriors in his service become lonely.

I am positively giddy with delight this evening. Both France & Germany have broken ranks with the evil Great Satan Administration and are threatening to block any action against Iraq. By doing so, they have actually INCREASED the likelihood of a war!! And American aggression against downtrodden Islamic nations always gives me a great excuse to blow things up.
If the forces of evil had maintained a unified front, Saddam would have been much more likely to step down and accept an offer of exile. But now, with anti-war sentiment growing, he will be encouraged to stay in power. Meanwhile, Bush has already committed himself to removing Hussein and will have no choice but to act on his own.
I do not wish to celebrate alone. Where's that goat?

I and my fellow holy warriors grudgingly offer our congratulations to Michael Jordan, who last night passed Wilt Chamberlain to become the third highest scoring player in the history of the NBA. Not too shabby.... For a godless infidel. Of course, one should keep in mind that Chambelain played for maybe 15 years whereas Jordan has been playing since 1920 or so, with occasional time off for baseball and golf careers. Pretty soon he'll be eligible to join the Rolling Stones.
Sometimes I wonder if my life would have turned out differently had I pursued an NBA career. At 6'5", the idea is not that farfetched for me. I could have reaped millions for my pet causes of preventing birth defects while spreading death and destruction across the globe. And I'm sure I could have landed a lucrative endorsement deal for exploding sneakers.
Plus, I figure it would have made it much easier for me to score with actual human chicks rather than livestock.

The Evildoer known as Bush claims he has nothing against Islam. Yet he is making all who pledge their allegiance to Allah register with the government of the Great Satan. Why? Muslims have done absolutely nothing to warrant this kind of scrutiny....
Well, okay, there was THAT. But aside from that, I mean.

I have been sampling more of the infidels' so called reality TV, and it has become obvious that Allah's righteous forces have inflicted far greater damage on them than they will admit. How else to explain all those fools going on national TV--international, really, when you consider all the people like me with satellite receivers--for a chance to humiliate themselves in exchange for a few dollars of prize money. Are they in such desperate need of money that they will eat a horse rectum? Or willingly advertise themselves as a prostitute on The Bachelorette?
I mean, eating HORSE rectums? That is absolutely, without a doubt, the most disgusting thing I've ever heard.
Everyone knows GOAT rectums are much better... Especially with A-1 Sauce.

I see that the American lapdogs of Satan have finally figured out how I got away from them at Tora Bora. It was such a simple trick, really: I knew they would be trying to track me by way of my cellphone signal, so I gave it to one of my trusted bodyguards, Abdallah Tabarak. He went one way while I went another. Sure enough, the vermin infested forces of darkness followed Tabarak and eventually caught up with him. I shall beseech Allah to reward him with extra virgins when his time for martyrdom comes. This would probably rule out the women on Joe Millionaire, however, since I rather doubt any of them are still virgins.... Except Melissa M, of course.
The bile spewing Americans appear to be mystified as to how I knew what they were up to. Quite simple, actually: I subscribe to the Washington Post. They were constantly writing in detail about the latest attempts to capture me.
Mama Laden didn't raise no fools.

That idiot infidel Evan has cut Alison loose on Joe Millionaire. What was he thinking? Personally, I would have given MoJo the heave ho. But it is Melissa M that remains my personal favorite, and I strongly feel she will be the eventual winner.

I see that there were a number of anti-war protests in the US this past weekend. This is a mixed blessing for us... On the one hand, if the protestors are successful, my holy brother Saddam (though I admit he's a weasel who embraces Islam only when convenient) will remain in power. This will give him more time to develop weapons that will help us, the true warriors in this struggle against the unholy west. I just have to make sure I have my credit cards paid down by then.
Then again, if the infidels are no longer distracted by Iraq, they may once again begin to concentrate on us again. This would come at a bad time for us as enrollment in our terror schools is up 87% over last semester. Plus, we just opened three new campuses in Malaysia.
I have high hopes for our graduate studies program in suicide bombing. Three of the instructors are Palestinian. Then again, one must wonder how successful they were in their chosen fields if they are still alive....