Some idiot at an Iranian radio station is claiming I was captured a long time ago.

Oh, puh-leeze!!!! That's absolutely ridiculous!!! Look at this logically, people: If I've been captured, then who's been writing this blog!?!?!

Still, wouldn't it be interesting if, two days before the November elections, Bush wheels me out on a hand truck like some sort of Hannibal Lechter, and says hey, "Lookee what I found!! Now will you vote for me?" Who knows? Maybe I'll even be wearing a straight jacket and leather mask like Anthony Hopkins was!

Just in case, I should practice making that scary slurping sound with my tongue.

The Great Satan's Secretary of Defense was in Kabul recently, and now freely admits that they are no closer to capturing me than they were last year. "It will happen when it happens," he said. In other words, he's about ready to give up and send his boys home.

But the best part is when he said the Taliban is NOT making a resurgence. HA!! Yeah, right, Donnie. And there's no insurgency in Iraq, either.

It's starting to look more and more like Iraq is slipping into civil war. The Kurds hate the Sunnis who hate the Shiites who hate the Kurds who hate the Sunnis, and everyone hates Celine Dionne!

To paraphrase The Lion King: Ah, the circle of death!!

And at the root of it all is yours truly, who probably would have been caught by now if a certain infidel President hadn't gone off half-cocked in a madcap pursuit of WMD's! And you have to wonder why he didn't have the good sense to plant some Anthrax or botulism around the country. Then Daniel Kay could have found something! After all, if the LAPD was able to plant that bloody glove at O.J.'s house, why couldn't the CIA do the same? But Allah works in mysterious ways, so I'll just savor the joy of it all.

Our constant use of car bombs against the Iraqi people is also paying off. Police officers are afraid to go to work, and this in turn is leading to a total breakdown of law and order throughout Iraq. Anarchy is a wonderful thing, for it gives us an opening to step in and rstore order after the Americans leave. By then people will grateful to have some rule of law once again imposed upon them, even if it is brutally harsh Islamic law.

True, in the meantime a lot of innocent people will die. But it's for a good cause, so I what do I care?

It's like the old saying: All's fair in love and jihad!

There are a lot of terrorist organizations in the world, and we're all in competition with one another. It's that constant sense of urgency to outdo the other guy that keeps us sharp.

Now comes word that there's some new terror group trying to break into the business. They call themselves the National Education Association. Can't say I've ever heard of them before, and apparently they are yet to stage any attacks. Still, I shall keep my eye on them.

I've also alerted Al Qaeda's Mergers and Acquisitions Department for a possible buyout offer.

Apparently there are some vicious--and TOTALLY unsubstantiated, I might add--rumors that the evil ones are closing in on me.

Total, absolute poppycock!!

They are no where near me. For one thing, I'm over here in Pakistan where I'm perfectly safe. There's no way Musharaff will allow infidel soldiers onto his soil. He knows better.

Unless, of course, he's still pissed about those assassination attempts a few weeks ago.

And let me also assure my dear readers that I'm not hiding in any ol' stupid spiderhole. That was just pure cowardice on Saddam's part. I have way too much dignity for that sort of thing. After all, I have an image to uphold!

That's why I'm hiding in a cave.

Oh, the things I am willing to do in order to unleash a new reign of terror upon the infidels!!

Some cocky army officer has said he is "sure" I will be captured this year. He points to the example of Saddam as an example.

Yeah, right.

As I've said before, Saddam was an unholy wuss. I, on the other hand, have Allah on my side. Besides, I've been practicing hiding a lot longer than Hussein ever did. I have turned it into an art form. Perhaps you can catch one of my exhibitions some time. It's more of a performance art, than anything.

Also, I have heard that the infidels are planning a spring offensive against me and my followers. Well, as Bush once said, "Bring it on!!"

I am perfectly safe as long as I remain here in Pakistan...., er, assuming that's where I am, of course. The US forces can't get to me here since Musharaff will never allow them to cross the border.

I am somewhat confused by Musharaff's decision to share nuclear technology with certain other countries. Libya and Iran I understand. After all, they are Muslim. But North Korea?!?!? Why them and not us? North Korea is populated by godless athiests! That makes them even worse than your standard, run-of-the-mill infidels. After all, it's one thing to believe in the WRONG god; it's quite another to believe in NO god whatsoever.

That's what really gets me: That he didn't help Al Qaeda build a bomb! I mean, we're certainly devout, faithful, religious people who are deserving of technology which can kill infidels by the tens of thousands!

I can only conclude that the reason Musharaff didn't share that information with us is that he's pissed about our ongoing efforts to kill him.

Some people can be so petty....

Wonderful news!! I have obtained the source code for Microsoft's Windows operating systems!!!

Now if I can just figure out what the hell to do with it....

Well, it's official: The original Star Wars trilogy is coming out on DVD. And to his credit, Lucas is only releasing the "special edition" versions. That means I won't have to keep venturing out of my hiding place to buy each different version as they're released.

I'm so happy, I think I'll go blow something up.

Would it be overly bold of me to take credit for Bush's invasion of Iraq? Hmmm..... No, of course not.

If it hadn't been for 9-11, Bush never would have had the cajones to go after Saddam. But given the incentive I provided, he looked desperately for a reason and finally found one: Those dastardly weapons of mass destruction.

And what as the final outcome? No WMD's, United States foreign policy is in tatters, and Bush's credibility is non-existent. So yeah, I feel pretty good about how things turned out.

One of my faithful readers, who would make a great terrorist if only he weren't such a blithering coward, has informed me of a rumor that the original Star Wars trilogy will soon be coming out on DVD.

This is indeed wonderful news! Granted, these are the "Special Edition" versions, but that's fine. What really gets my knickers in a knot is when they release a set of movies, then six months later release the same set as "directors cuts," and then a year later come out with the "digitally remastered special edition" version. And just when you think they're done, they come out with another sequel in the theaters, rendering your previous 3 box sets of Terminator and T2 worthless, because now you'll have to get T3: Rise of the Damned Money Sucking DVD Box Sets!!!!

What a load of crap!! Why don't they just wait till the stars get elected Governor and stop making movies? THEN they can release a single box set and be done with it! Oh, but how naive of me! By only releasing a set of movies once, they would make less money off us suckers, wouldn't they?

And people wonder why I am so bitter....

I suppose it's true that at some future date Lucas will release will release a box set of all six movies, but let's face it: No one except the really hard core geeks will buy them. You and I both know that this last installment is likely to be as big a piece of crap as Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones. Normal people like you and I won't want to waste our money on them.

Besides, I can already tell you how the next one will end: Luke & Leia will be born, then separated; The Republic will suffer a series of horrible military setbacks; And Anikin Skywalker will suffer some sort of hideous injury that necessitates wearing elaborate headgear that makes him sound like the spokesperson for Verizon.

I continue to be puzzled by the United States....

The authorities were correctly outraged by Janet Jackson's apparent deliberate exposure of her breast. I, too, was outraged. In fact, I kept replaying the tape over and over and over and over to confirm that what I thought my eyes were beholding was in fact happening!!

Yet no one seemed to mind, when a mere two hours later, Richard Hatch was parading his fat naked ass up and down the beach on the latest Survivor series! Is this a double standard, or what?

Quite frankly, I'd rather see Jackson's breast than Hatch's ass any day of the week.

So Bush has finally agreed to back an investigation into the intelligence failures that led to the war in Iraq. You realize, of course, that by conceding that there should be such an investigation, he is also admitting that he screwed up.

But the way I see it, it wasn't so much an intelligence failure as much as a complete lack of intelligence.

Right there in the Oval Office.

Some idiot at an Iranian radio station is claiming I was captured a long time ago.

Oh, puh-leeze!!!! That's absolutely ridiculous!!! Look at this logically, people: If I've been captured, then who's been writing this blog!?!?!

Still, wouldn't it be interesting if, two days before the November elections, Bush wheels me out on a hand truck like some sort of Hannibal Lechter, and says hey, "Lookee what I found!! Now will you vote for me?" Who knows? Maybe I'll even be wearing a straight jacket and leather mask like Anthony Hopkins was!

Just in case, I should practice making that scary slurping sound with my tongue.

Saddam would have had a field day with this article in the infidel magazine Atlantic Monthly (summary of article). It's an extensive exploration of what went wrong in Iraq, and the bottom line is that many people predicted the problems that the United States of Satan has had since the fall of Baghdad, and that extensive planning went into the postwar occupation of the country.

So what went wrong then? Well, no, it wasn't a failure of intelligence, but rather a failure of leadership. Basically, anything that didn't fit Bush's preconceived ideas about the war and its aftermath was flat-out ignored.

What concerns me now is that if Kerry wins in November, I may not be any better off next year than I am now. You know how those damn war heroes are. That's why I will continue to proudly display a Howard Dean bumpersticker on my camel's ass.

There seems to be some dissatisfaction among some of my followers about my infrequent blogging habits. One cowardly infidel reader, who would no doubt soil his shorts if he were to actually meet me, complains that "why is the osaminator so freakin' lazy? Saddam was hiding in holes, doling out cash to insurgents and still made time to add a log every day. I'm really very disappointed." Another reader adds "I do have to say that Saddam encouraged more interaction from us. He even seemed to like having us around, you know, to feel superior to."

Well, first let me just say that I always enjoy hearing from my readership, even if my ultimate goal is to kill every last one of you. Granted, that would ultimately have a negative impact on my numbers, but I've never been one to waste time contemplating the longterm consequences of my actions.

However, Allah did not place me on this Earth to provide people like you with entertainment. He placed me here to wreak havoc upon the civilized world.

And do not insult me with comparisons to Saddam. It is precisely because he spent so time hiding in holes that he was able to waste his energies blogging on a daily basis. And don't think I haven't heard about those all-night keg parties he'd throw on Friday nights!! And look where his lack of focus got him: Caught by the unholy Crusaders. I, on the other hand, keep my priorities straight and only blog when I am confident of my own safety. After all, many people are depending on me.

If you want to give meaning to your miserable little lives by devoting yourselves to someone else, try Howard Dean. From what I understand, he's currently hard up for followers.

Now go change your shorts.

How dare a woman question the word of Allah?

There's some Muslim chick in Canada (figures) who is asking why Islam is so oppressive of women. Hey, it's not my fault, okay? I didn't write the Koran.

I just interpret the damn thing however I want.

Now get off my back, okay? And if you're a woman, cover your hair.

The infidel Army War College has issued a report saying that the Iraq war was a mistake because it diverted attention and resources from what should have been the primary goal of the Bush Administration: Eliminating me as a threat.

Guess I should do the polite thing and send Mr. Bush a "Thank You" card.

There are few things I enjoy more than friendly banter with my infidel readers.... Well, with the possible exception of disemboweling my infidel readers! But unfortunately you're there and I'm here (wherever that may be), so I'll have to settle for banter.... At least for now.

Reader and cowering unholy vermin Tung-Yin writes: Hey, Ossie, some people think that you've been badly disfigured by U.S. attacks, which is why there are no new videotapes of you calling for jihad -- only audiotapes. Is that true? If it is, why don't you show your disfigured face? After all, we Americans are pretty squeamish. Your blistered, scarred face could give a whole generation of kids nightmares and heebie-jeebies. Hey, you could be the new Boogieman!

First let me allay your fears by assuring you that my face is perfectly fine, except for the occasional zit when I eat chocolate. The problem with video messages is that you have to record them on--duh!--video cameras!! The battery on the one we had been using has died, a situation I'm none too happy about.

They claim that those new fangled rechargeable lithium ion rechargeable batteries don't develop a "memory" the way the old nickel cadmium ones used to. And yes, I suppose that's true. But what they DON'T tell you is that the damn things only last about two years before they become worthless paper weights.

It's the exact same problem I'm having with my Apple Ipod.

Needless to say, there aren't too many Best Buy stores along the Afghan/Pakistani frontier, so it's not like I can just run right out and buy a new camcorder battery. But the double A's I can steal--er, I mean "buy"--from any convenience store. And they work great in my Sony Walkman/recorder.

Whch brings me to my next point: All the convenience stores around here are run by foreigners. I think they're Americans or something, but I'm not sure. They all look alike to me.

Anyway, I can never understand what the hell they're saying.

I'm disappointed to see that the United States has lowered it's terror threat level back down to yellow. Why? Don't they consider me a threat any more? Do you have any idea how insulting that is?

I'm still here, you know. And I'm still scary.

BOO!!!!!

There. See? Go ahead, admit it: You peed your pants when I did that, didn't you?

Yeah, I still got the touch.

The United States of Satan continues to deny that its so-called "War on Terror" is about oil. Yeah, right. And a camel doesn't sh*t in the desert. Or maybe it does. I think maybe I gotta work on that analogy a little more....

At any rate, my point is that Bush and his band of infidels ARE after the middleeast's oil fields. And any idiot fool who doubts me on this point should read this article. It says that during the 1973 oil embargo, the Nixon Administration considered seizing the oil fields of Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, and a number of other countries.

Uh-huh. And no doubt right after that they would've started sending those damn Jehova's Witnesses over here trying to convert us. They wouldn't have gotten very far, though. Have you ever tried riding a bicycle through sand?

----------Dana Summers, Orlando Sun-Times

Oh, don't act all surprised. You should know by now that I hide wherever I can. Besides, it's not so bad. This dry, barren landscape reminds me of home.... Well, except for the reddish tint.

The postage to mail those threatening audiotapes back to Earth is a bitch, however.

I wish those stupid Americans would stop cancelling all those international flights. Last week it was those Air France flights, and now it's British Airways that keeps getting grounded. And a couple of days ago it was an Aero Mexico plane that was grounded.

All these cancellations are wreaking havoc with Al Qaeda's business travel. Rest assured that I will be writing a strongly worded letter of complaint to the appropriate people.

Think I'll leave the return address off the envelope, however.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, YOU CRAZY INFIDELS!!!!!

Man, I am so wasted right now! I was hanging from the top of the cave in my underwear at one point, while Khalid was dancing around with a lampshade on his head. Then Mohammad had the bright idea for us to make a threatening videotape and send it in to Al-Jazeera. Nothing unusual about that, except we were all naked and making farting noises in the background. Someone remind me in the morning to go blow up the mailbox before they pick up that envelope.

I partied like it was 1999!

What can I say? I'm a little behind the times.

But you already knew that, didn't you?