Satan's spokesperson on Earth, George Bush, has said that he expects Iraq to be a shining example of freedom and democracy for other nation's in the middle east.... Excuse me for saying so, but I think that unlike his predecessor, Bush DID inhale.
The man--excuse me, I mean the fire-spewing beast from hell--is completely out of touch with reality. My fellow arabs are NOT interested in democracy. They would much rather be told what to think, and be told what is best for them, by people like me. And while I may be mistaken in my understanding of the word "democracy," isn't it about the wishes of the majority? Given the results of his own election, is that a can of worms that Bush wants to open?
Besides, Muslims around the world will not be interested in hearing about freedom as long as the infidels occupy an Arab country. Having military bases in Saudi Arabia and other Islamic lands is bad enough, but an entire COUNTRY?!? More fuel for the fire, I say.
Recruiting new followers for Al Qaeda is already easy enough. But if the US attacks and occupies Iraq, our Admissions offices will be like a Baskin Robbins on a hot summer evening. Potential recruits will have to take a number to sign up. This could be a problem, since most of my followers aren't bright enough to figure out how to use those little number dispensers.
In the meantime, we may have reevaluate some of our courses. The final exam in Suicide Bombing 101, for example, is a real killer.

Did you see me on 60 Minutes II? I thought I looked pretty spiffy in that suit. One of my wives helped me pick it out. I welcomed this opportunity to speak directly to the American people. I'm sure many of them were surprised to learn that I captured 100% of the vote when I was reelected last year. Granted, it wasn't easy to pull that off, and the piles of bodies behind the polling places did begin to stink after a couple of days, but I am nonetheless quite proud of this accomplishment. And, most importantly, it was a clean election, free of controversy, and devoid of any hanging chads.... Plenty of hanging dissidents, but that's neither here nor there at the moment.
No doubt I convinced many more of your influential Hollywood types to speak out against the war. I'm sure that the political opinions of such respected thinkers as Alec Baldwin and Adam Sandler carry great weight with the average American.
My proposal to debate Mr. Bush is entirely serious. I would take the position that Miller Lite tastes great. He, of course, would stupidly argue that it's less filling. We would go back and forth on this matter several times, and eventually end up mudwrestling in our underwear.
Indeed, this could be a model for the settling of future international conflicts not just between our two countries, but ALL the nations of the world.

I have been watching some show called American Infidel or something. What? Right, fine, American IDOL. It Really should be called American FALSE Idol. They do a lot of singing and dancing on there, and for that reason the whole bunch of them deserves to be tied the backs of camels and dragged through the desert as they scream for mercy. The infidels, I mean, NOT the camels. Singing and dancing and other such behaviors are a direct affront to Allah and can not be tolerated under any circumstances.
Even worse, most of the contestants on the program suck.
But what is the deal with this Simon Cowell? He sits in judgement on these unfortunate people like a pompous mule, offers his opinions as if they were worth something more than a pile of recycled goat droppings, and expects others to cower in his presence! Who does he think he is? ME?!?!
Most bizarre of all, he is British!!! What in the name of Mecca is he doing serving as a judge on a show called AMERICAN Idol? It makes no sense. What are his qualifications? Can he sing? I seriously doubt it, though I'm sure he can scream like a little girl if tortured. Can he do comedy routines? Again, I don't think so. So why is he passing judgement on others, and why is he so incredibly obnoxious?
If I ever get the opportunity, it will bring me great pleasure to s-l-o-w-l-y disembowel Simon Cowell and feed his insides, piece by piece, to the vultures. Then again, it wouldn't surprise me if even THEY found him repulsive.

What's the deal with these "human shields?" At first I thought it was some kind of scam, like that email the Nigerian guy keeps sending out asking for my Swiss bank account numbers. But now I'm told that these people are actually doing this for FREE?!?! I truly admire them for their principles, their courage, and yes, their stupidity.
I would join them, but I plan to get the hell out of here once the shooting starts.

Interesting article in the Washington Post (Yes, I subscribe. And though I move every day, the paper boy is always able to find me, even if the Great Satan's special forces troops with their night vision goggles can't) about how Saddam has lost credibility among most average Arabs. Basically, they feel he is a spineless weasel who sold out his Islamic principles a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.
But I digress.
I find this article--even if it does appear in an unholy zionist controlled evil mouthpiece of the US government--to be a vindication of what I have been saying for years: Saddam only invokes Allah's name when it suits his needs. He is much more interested in the gain of power simply for the sake of power. He gets off on it. It's a Freudian thing with him. Having all those weapons of mass destruction is merely compensation for his extraordinarily small penis (Um, I mean I've HEARD that it's small; It's not like I have any first hand experience with it).
And while I, too, crave power and horrible weapons, I desire them not for myself but for totally unselfish reasons: The wholesale slaughter of helpless, unarmed, innocent infidels, and the spreading of Allah's words. What could be more noble than that?
Plus, I enjoy blowing stuff up, but that's merely a fringe benefit.
The article goes on to quote Marwan Shukir, a shoe store owner in Jordan, as saying that I, not Saddam, am the one standing up to the imperialist forces of the west. Mr. Shukir's comments warm the cockles of my heart, or at least I think they do, since I have no idea what cockles are.
If it ever becomes possible for me to again show my face in public, I shall journey to Jordan and buy a new pair of shoes from this wise, insightful man.
Something comfortable, like maybe loafers.

What the....? This IS supposed to be MY blog, isn't it!?!??! Someone tell Saddam to get his own damn site....

That puppet of the United States, Hans Blix, has ordered me to destroy my Al Samoud 2 missiles because their range exceeds limits. Bummer. I really liked those things. We were almost ready to fit them with chemical warheads!
Um, I mean IF we had chemical warheads, which of course we don't, because I have respect out the wazoo for the UN and their illegal bullying tactics, THEN and only THEN would we have been ALMOST ready to fit them with our non-existent chemical warheads which we don't have. Got it?
Then again, Blix didn't say how we should destroy them. And if we were to launch them at a target, and they were to explode on impact, that would destroy them, right? Yes, that is a technicality, but I have been watching a lot of American legal dramas, so I know how to manipulate the system. And if I were to take out a second mortgage on one of my palaces, I could probably hire Johnnie Cochran to defend me. Hell, he got that other mad killer off, and that guy even had DNA evidence working against him.
I better go stock up on really small gloves.

I do not understand why so many people call me a monster. I am not a monster. I AM A MAN!!!! If you cut me, do I not bleed? If you drop a 5000 pound laser guided smartbomb on me, do I not blow up into a million pieces? If you speak ill of me, do I not feel depressed? I am so misunderstood by the world. Well, MOST of the world. At least the French like me... though maybe not as much as they like Jerry Lewis.
I must do something to improve the world's perception of me. But what? I shall ponder this as I eat my breakfast of fried babies.

I understand that British Prime Minister Tony is under increasing political pressure at home over his continued support for Bush's warmongering policies. This support shouldn't surprise anyone. After all, puppy dogs are well known for their fierce loyalty to their masters. But really, who cares about the British? They're inconsequential. They weren't even able to hold on to their empire, and yet they continue to believe they still matter in this world.
In that regard, they are much like the French: Arrogant and self-important, but ultimately unable to scare anyone. On the other hand, the Brits are a helluva a lot less annoying than the Frogs.
Bush, on the other hand DOES scare me. He's obviously obsessed with me. The man is practically stalking me!! Maybe I should go to the World Court and try to get a restraining order against him. On the other hand, the members of the World Court are almost as worthless as the French, so why bother?
My best hope is to hide behind Hans Blix. It will not be easy. I must appear to be cooperating with him. Yet, at the same time, I need to be careful to play hard to get.
Kind of reminds me of dating.....

Interesting choice the infidel Evan Marriott made on Joe Millionaire. Personally, I would have gone for the one with the cheerleader outfit and handcuffs.

As part of my ongoing effort to better understand my enemy, I just watched something called "The Simpsons." If this Homer is typical of the infidels, we have nothing to worry about.

There have been numerous demonstrations around the world on my behalf, and for this I am grateful. It is nice to be so loved, and to have one's work so appreciated. All too often, weapons of mass destruction get an undeservedly bad rap. Why, if it weren't for my pioneering research in the exciting field of botulinum toxins, botox treatments would never have been invented. Where would Susan Sarandon be THEN?!?!
I would also like to single out France and Germany for special recognition for their continued opposition to America's unjustified threat of war. I guess now I'll have to buy yet ANOTHER nuclear reactor from them. I've already got six of the damn things. Had to disassemble 'em & bury the parts in the desert, but at least we got 'em.
Anyway, such discord among the westerners only strengthens my own resolve to ride out the storm. And to think I was almost ready to accept Saudi Arabia's offer of asylum!!!! They were all set to give me a villa next door to Idi Amin.
I don't think I would have liked it, though. I've heard about Amin's loud parties, with the dancing girls, the strippers, the gambling, and the human sacrifices. Would've been very distracting.
I prefer silence when I'm playing with my home chemistry set.

Celebrated Valentine's Day with a lovely, romantic candlelit dinner. It was just the two of us, getting lost in the limpid pools of one another's eyes. I had fried rat, while the goat had the fresh hay.

Maybe I'm getting cynical in my old age (I'm almost 24; Given the life expectancy of the typical al Qaeda holy warrior, that's like Strom Thurmond old) but I can't help but notice that Osama is awfully quick to urge OTHERS commit suicide on behalf of Jihad.

I am getting reports from our sleeper cells in the United States of Satan that many of the infidels are on the verge of panic. They are stocking up on bottled water, plastic sheets, and something called duck tape in anticipation of a chemical or bioterror attack. What is "duck tape," anyway? I hear that no REAL man is ever without it, but I don't know what it is. Is it used to repair broken waterfowl?
As much as I would like to oblige the godless heathens, I have not been able to get any of the necessary material from Saddam for such an attack . He claims he can't risk moving weapons of mass destruction across the border because of the constant UN scrutiny, but I think it's because he's a selfish S.O.B.
Yassar Arafat once told me that even when they were growing up, Saddam refused to share his grenades with the other kids at the daycare center. And invoking the name of Allah doesn't seem to help a whole lot with him, either. He just rolls his eyes and says, "Yeah, sure, Allah. Whatever." Yet when it's balls to the wall for him like it is now, all of a sudden he's every Muslim's best friend.
What a weasel.

You're welcome.

I would like to thank Binny for his inspiring words to the citizens of Iraq. I must concede he is better at motivating people than I. If they believe some sort of reward is involved, people are much more likely to go out and fight on someone else's behalf. Me, I subscribe to the old school of management: Go out and die for me, or I will kill you.
It's like that old middle eastern saying, "You can attract more flies with a camel carcass than with vinegar."

I have heard that NASA (National Aeronautics and Satan Administration) is considering the possibility that a "foreign object" brought down their shuttle. This does not surprise me. I knew it was only a matter of time before they tried to pin the disaster on us innocent middle easterners.

I wonder how Melissa M. is doing after being rejected by Evan last week. Sometimes, while contemplating what new horrors to unleash upon the west, I find my mind wandering back to her image.
I know, of course, such a relationship would never work. She, a perky customer service representative, and I, a notorious international terrorist. Then again, does that necessarily need to stand between us? Can't we just put our backgrounds aside while we are together? As the Captain and Tennile once said, love will keep us together. And they wouldn't lie about such a thing.... At least not if they wish to keep their entrails intact.
Oh, who am I kidding? American women can be impossible to keep happy. All they ever want to do is cuddle and ask "So what are you thinking?"
"Well," I would say, "I'm trying to decide between a dirty bomb or bioterror." Not very romantic for them, though I certainly get off on that sort of thing.
Then they'll start complaining about the drapes in the cave not matching the bedspreads, or some such nonsense. Next comes the whining about the men putting their drinks on the furniture. I'm sorry, but holy warriors engaged in Jihad do not have time for coasters and doilies.
Goats are so much more low maintenance.....

WHAT!?!?! Do the infidels running Fox TV have any idea WHO they are toying with!?!?! I watched Joe Millionaire expecting Evan to reveal his final choice only to have the stupid butler come on and tell me his decision will be announced NEXT week!?!?! This is not right. I am so upset right now I can't even decide who to disembowel first....
Perhaps I'll start with that obnoxious butler. And after I'm done with him I'll help myself to the rest of his cognac.

Our plan to use suicide pigeons to unleash our next wave of terror upon Satan's disciples has been dealt a setback. Evidently the truck bombs were too heavy for the birds to lift. They just fluttered about helplessly until they were overcome by exhaustion. Then we ate them.
Lots of gristle, but still better than fried snow.

I've never cooked pigeon before. Should I have removed the feathers first?

Now I am truly troubled... Several of my henchmen explained to me that when President Bush said "the game is over" he did NOT really mean that the game is over. And even more confusing, there's apparently no actual game!!!
Huh?
I still don't fully understand what my underlings were telling me. What's a meta for, anyway? At any rate, I have ordered the Teamsters, Baghdad local # 2389, to keep driving our mobile laboratories around.
As for my minions, I shall tell them that I greatly appreciate their advice and always value their opinions. Then I will have the sorry SOB's executed for disagreeing with me.

I have just received word that the administration of the ruling representatives of Satan on Earth has raised its terror alert level to orange. Perhaps they have found out about our fiendish plot to unleash homing pigeons laden with explosives upon them. Our final plans are almost ready for testing.
Sometimes the vengeance of Allah travels on feathered wing.

What? NOW Bush tells the world it was all just a game!?! He had me so scared I was crapping my pants on a daily basis! Well, thank Allah it's all over and I can stop trying to hide all my toys from the UN inspectors. Constantly driving over pothole-riddled intertribe highways with a trunkful of nuclear warheads is NOT a whole lot of fun.
Guess I'll go wash that lumpy pile of shorts in the corner now.

Earlier today I watched a special documentary about Michael Jackson, a leading entertainer of the infidels. Did you happen to see it? People have the nerve to complain that I'M scary, yet they let this freakozoid wander freely among them!?! Gimme a break!!! I may have no qualms about sleeping with goats, but little BOYS!?! That's just plain sick.
Look, you have to understand that while I would gladly blow up an orphanage filled with six year olds, there is no way I'd sleep with them.
Allah would not approve of such behavior.

The world is all abuzz over Colin Powell's performance at the United Nations yesterday. And that's all it was: A performance, like in a movie script. He should be nominated for one of those Mayer awards. Or are they called Oscars? Let me assure you that all of it was a lie. Every bit of it. Just scurrilous falsehoods concocted to disparage my good name.
Now I know how O.J. felt.

Saddam just did an interview on British TV in which he denies having any ties to al Qaeda. This, of course, is not entirely true. Sadie and I first met at one of those "Hate America/Blow Up Israel" seminars that the Ayotollah Khomeini used to sponsor. This one was held at the Beirut Hilton back in 1980 or so. We've been friends ever since. We even wrote the bestselling book The One Minute Terrorist together. That one was big in management circles. And he's been to 17 of my weddings... In the last month alone!
Nevertheless, the fact remains that Sadie is an opportunistic weasel interested only in power. He has never truly embraced Islam the way I have. He blows up things and slaughters people only when it serves to further his career as a leading, world reknown despot. I, on the other hand, blow up things and slaughter people in the name of Allah. That makes it okay.
So then why, you ask, do I pretend to be his friend? Two reasons: First, as I've said before, the United States of Satan wants us BOTH dead. And any enemy of my enemy is a friend of mine.
Secondly, he has things I want. Do you have any idea how much spreading of God's word I could do with a nuclear warhead or a truckload of nerve gas!?! Just thinking about it makes my knees quiver.
I keep hoping I can sneak a weapon of mass destruction out of one of his palaces when I'm visiting, but so far I haven't had any luck. All I was able to steal the last time I was over there was some silverware and a really nice tea kettle.
But I, too, can be a weasel when it counts, so I'll just keep trying.

Well, I'm turning in early. Big day tomorrow. I have to dedicate a new VX nerve gas factory outside Tikrit. I think we're re calling it a baby powder manufacturing plant in our official press releases.
I always like to have a nice, hot cup of Sleepy Tyme tea before going to bed. Think I'll go fix it now.
Hey....... Where the hell is my tea kettle?

Binny convinced me to get up early to watch "Joe Millionaire." What an absolute waste of time!!! I could have been out there moving my "non-existent" stockpiles of Anthrax around to further confuse the UN inspectors, but instead I'm stuck in this garrishly ornate marble palace with the solid gold toilet seats (Yeah, they are kind of cold) watching this garbage!?!
He claims he watches American television so that he may better understand his enemy, but I don't know.... Sounds like an excuse to me. You can't trust these religious zealots, you know. They always have something to hide.
I remember about a year ago I walked into Binny's tent unannounced. He was watching a Britney Spears concert on HBO and had his robes pulled up around his waist... If you know what I mean....

It has become evident that not only is Evan an infidel, but he is a total idiot as well. How could he send Melissa M. home while keeping Sarah the Harlot and Zora the Greek as the two finalists? Melissa must be devastated by her rejection. I would travel to the homeland of the Great Satan and personally comfort her with my manhood, but alas, I am afraid to fly.... Too many damn wackos on the planes nowadays.
And as for the harlot Sarah, did you hear the news about her? She starred in a number of bondage movies. For those of you not familiar with the term, bondage films are filled with scenes of lustfully fleshy temptations. The plots tend to be somewhat complicated, but generally involve ropes, handcuffs, and cheerleader outfits. They are designed to appeal to unholy weakminded men with no self-discipline.
No wonder she looked familiar.

Some of you may be wondering why I would feel sympathy for the Americans under ANY circumstances. Well, first of all, I'd like to know who among you would dare to question my teachings to begin with. Raise your hands so that I may come to your house, kick in your door, disembowel you, and feed your miserable, infidel entrails to your goldfish. Afterwards I will blow up the aquarium, along with that stupid tiny bubbling frogman you have in there. He's probably a tiny JEWISH frogman, isn't he?
Secondly, let me say that I fully appreciate the importance of space exploration. In fact, I consider myself something of an explorer as well. I often look up at the night sky and gaze at the stars, wondering if we're alone. I know I'm not, because it doesn't take long for the Blackhawk helicopters manned by the Crusaders with their nightvision goggles to show up. That's when I go exploring, crawling through caves on my belly, wondering what's in front of me in that pitch black darkness.
But back to the stars above... I would like to see man go forth into the heavens and seek out new life, new civilizations, and to boldly go where no muslim militant has ever gone before... Kind of like Captain Kirk in a turban. How else can we spread the glorious words of Allah through the known universe?
Besides, my ultimate goal in life is to blow up crap on Alpha Centauri.

Now former American President Jimmy Carter has condemned Bush's warmongering ways. Good for him. His opinions are much respected among the weiners of the world, and he solidified his wimp credentials when, as President, he allowed the Iranians to occupy the American embassy in Tehran and hold 52 diplomats hostage for a year and a half.
America needs more leaders like him.

My condolences.

I almost feel sorry for Richard Reid. He had a golden opportunity to do something meaningful with his life: Light your shoes on fire and blow up the plane!! And it was all for such a good cause, too!! How complicated is that? Not very, but still he managed to botch the mission!! Even worse, he got himself captured. What a bonehead......
If he had accomplished his assigned task, Reid would have been rewarded with the full complement of 72 virgins upon his arrival in paradise. If he had failed to bring down the plane but still gotten himself killed during the attempt, he still would gotten maybe 50 or 60 virgins in the deal.
But instead he allowed himself to get captured. Allah tends to frown upon incompetent warriors during a Jihad. But even when Reid went to trial, all was not completely lost. If he had at least gotten himself a death sentence, it would have been good for something. Maybe a dozen virgins or so.
But instead Reid got himself life. That means he'll eventually die in prison of natural causes. There's no glory in that, and no reward. The closest he'll come to a virgin now is "Big Bubba" asking him to pick up the soap.
His best hope at this point is a shank in the gut while pulling laundry duty. Even if Reid still doesn't rate an actual virgin, maybe Allah will reward him with someone like Trista, from The Bachelorette.
Hey, it beats getting stuck with Big Bubba.

I am grateful to Nelson Mandela for the speech in which he condemned Bush's warmongering behavior. Such "unsolicited" remarks from a respected elder statesman are certain to carry much weight among the rest of the world. I will admit to being surprised he delivered his speech before my check cleared, however. But that's what I love about democratically elected leaders: They're so quick to trust despots.
Now I can put that money back into Anthrax futures.