My good friend Osama has offered to let me use his weblog to prove my innocence. I will be back tomorrow, but now I have to go stir my Sarin.... Um, I mean SOUP! I'm making, um, chicken soup. Yeah, that's it!

One of my greatest fears was that the beast known as AOL Time-Warner would buy Al Jazeera, thus depriving me of my ability to inspire my Muslim legions. However, those fools just posted a $99 billion loss, so they'll be lucky to be able to buy a box of paperclips. I used to have respect for Time-Warner, even if they were unholy puppets of the evil US government.. But then they got mixed up with AOL, and everyone knows AOL sucks. I mean, even I know that, for crying out loud, and I have a 12th century mindset and routinely engage in intimate relations with medium size farm animals!!!
The people responsible for that merger, on the other hand, went to many years of college, had advanced degrees, and were considered to be highly intelligent, though unholy and destined to burn in hell. ! What were they thinking? We routinely use those free AOL CD's they always send out for target practice. They shatter and burn quite nicely.
Allah works in mysterious ways.

I have just finished watching Satan's representative on Earth deliver his annual State of the Infidel Empire address, and my feelings are truly hurt. He NEVER--not even once--mentioned me by name. Oh sure, he referred to "al Qaeda" several times, and said that his forces of evil crusaders have arrested many of my district managers around the world, but what of ME? Don't I count for anything any more?!? Would it have been that difficult for him to utter the words "Osama bin Laden" just once?!? Doesn't he still hate me? Doesn't he want me dead or alive any more?!? I thought we had something special, the Bush and I. Obviously, that was all just a lie. Now it's "Saddam this" and "Hussein that." Fine. Forget Osama. He's yesterday's news.
Those Americans are a fickle bunch.

Well, Israel's Ariel Sharon and his Likud party have handily won reelection. This solves nothing, however, and in fact will only serve to further fuel the endless cycle of violence. The oppressive zionist state will continue to unfairly persecute the helpless Palestinian suicide bombers, who want nothing more than the freedom to exercise their right to slaughter innocent, unarmed civilians on buses.
Is this that too much to ask for?

Evan made a wise choice in booting Mojo, so I shall spare him his miserable existence for another week. She would have been my choice as well. And I continue to predict that Melissa M will be the final winner.
Still, I would not kick any of the remaining women out of my cave for eating crackers.

I have received encouraging news from our al Qaeda franchise in Britain, home to the the English lapdogs that serve the American Satan. They report that we are beginning to recruit at a much younger age.

We got up early to watch that unholy ritual of excess that so enthralls the American devils every January. It was very frustrating seeing such a target-rich stadium ripe for the picking while we're stuck here in... Well, never mind where we are. That jackal Rumsfeld may be reading this....
Anyway, my fellow Mujahedeen and I argued extensively about why they call it "football" if the ball is rarely touched by feet. But just as we were set to begin disemboweling one another, a commercial for an evil ale known as Miller Lite interrupted our revelry. This ad is a perfect example of the decadance which grips so much of the non-Islamic world.
It began with two fine looking women, who would have looked even better wearing burqas while tending to a flock of sheep, arguing about whether this tempting brewed liquid of theirs was "less filling" or "tastes great." Both female infidels evidently felt quite strongly about their respective positions as they were soon pushing and shoving one another. Suddenly they began tearing each other's clothes off, exposing temptation filled mounds of gorgeous forbidden flesh for all the world to see. Finally, the two dueling damsels ended up wrestling in a pool of mud. At this point the entire camp erupted in whooping and hollaring and celebration as we all shot our guns into the air. This proved to be a mistake, as the bullets soon fell back on us, martyring several of my men.
Afterwards, we all fell to our knees facing east, bowed our heads in prayer, and asked Allah to forgive our sinful display of lustful weakness.

I don't care what Osama says. I want some of that Miller Lite, whatever it is.

We just finished watching the halftime show of this thing called the Super Bowl. What in Allah's name was Shania Twain wearing?!?! She looked like Batgirl or something.

Perhaps it escaped from one of our sleeper cells stationed in the area. Allah permits such companionship when Holy Warriors in his service become lonely.

I am positively giddy with delight this evening. Both France & Germany have broken ranks with the evil Great Satan Administration and are threatening to block any action against Iraq. By doing so, they have actually INCREASED the likelihood of a war!! And American aggression against downtrodden Islamic nations always gives me a great excuse to blow things up.
If the forces of evil had maintained a unified front, Saddam would have been much more likely to step down and accept an offer of exile. But now, with anti-war sentiment growing, he will be encouraged to stay in power. Meanwhile, Bush has already committed himself to removing Hussein and will have no choice but to act on his own.
I do not wish to celebrate alone. Where's that goat?

I and my fellow holy warriors grudgingly offer our congratulations to Michael Jordan, who last night passed Wilt Chamberlain to become the third highest scoring player in the history of the NBA. Not too shabby.... For a godless infidel. Of course, one should keep in mind that Chambelain played for maybe 15 years whereas Jordan has been playing since 1920 or so, with occasional time off for baseball and golf careers. Pretty soon he'll be eligible to join the Rolling Stones.
Sometimes I wonder if my life would have turned out differently had I pursued an NBA career. At 6'5", the idea is not that farfetched for me. I could have reaped millions for my pet causes of preventing birth defects while spreading death and destruction across the globe. And I'm sure I could have landed a lucrative endorsement deal for exploding sneakers.
Plus, I figure it would have made it much easier for me to score with actual human chicks rather than livestock.

The Evildoer known as Bush claims he has nothing against Islam. Yet he is making all who pledge their allegiance to Allah register with the government of the Great Satan. Why? Muslims have done absolutely nothing to warrant this kind of scrutiny....
Well, okay, there was THAT. But aside from that, I mean.

I have been sampling more of the infidels' so called reality TV, and it has become obvious that Allah's righteous forces have inflicted far greater damage on them than they will admit. How else to explain all those fools going on national TV--international, really, when you consider all the people like me with satellite receivers--for a chance to humiliate themselves in exchange for a few dollars of prize money. Are they in such desperate need of money that they will eat a horse rectum? Or willingly advertise themselves as a prostitute on The Bachelorette?
I mean, eating HORSE rectums? That is absolutely, without a doubt, the most disgusting thing I've ever heard.
Everyone knows GOAT rectums are much better... Especially with A-1 Sauce.

I see that the American lapdogs of Satan have finally figured out how I got away from them at Tora Bora. It was such a simple trick, really: I knew they would be trying to track me by way of my cellphone signal, so I gave it to one of my trusted bodyguards, Abdallah Tabarak. He went one way while I went another. Sure enough, the vermin infested forces of darkness followed Tabarak and eventually caught up with him. I shall beseech Allah to reward him with extra virgins when his time for martyrdom comes. This would probably rule out the women on Joe Millionaire, however, since I rather doubt any of them are still virgins.... Except Melissa M, of course.
The bile spewing Americans appear to be mystified as to how I knew what they were up to. Quite simple, actually: I subscribe to the Washington Post. They were constantly writing in detail about the latest attempts to capture me.
Mama Laden didn't raise no fools.

That idiot infidel Evan has cut Alison loose on Joe Millionaire. What was he thinking? Personally, I would have given MoJo the heave ho. But it is Melissa M that remains my personal favorite, and I strongly feel she will be the eventual winner.

I see that there were a number of anti-war protests in the US this past weekend. This is a mixed blessing for us... On the one hand, if the protestors are successful, my holy brother Saddam (though I admit he's a weasel who embraces Islam only when convenient) will remain in power. This will give him more time to develop weapons that will help us, the true warriors in this struggle against the unholy west. I just have to make sure I have my credit cards paid down by then.
Then again, if the infidels are no longer distracted by Iraq, they may once again begin to concentrate on us again. This would come at a bad time for us as enrollment in our terror schools is up 87% over last semester. Plus, we just opened three new campuses in Malaysia.
I have high hopes for our graduate studies program in suicide bombing. Three of the instructors are Palestinian. Then again, one must wonder how successful they were in their chosen fields if they are still alive....

This satellite TV system is great. I hope we don't get in trouble for stealing the signal... Anyway, we have just finished watching the "Rolling Stones Live From Madison Square Garden" on HBO. Quite a show. It is hard to believe that Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, Ron Wood, and Charlie Watts have been rockin' since the Prophet Muhammad first walked upon this Earth. Too bad they are infidel legless dogs slithering across the ground like furry snakes that deserve to be eaten by jackals... Or something like that.
Ah, here comes Rahim with my orange juice.

Mmmmm... Apparently Rahim has begun putting orange juice in my hot cocoa.... I like it.

That cook of ours caught me at an, um, "inopportune" moment last night while I was, um, "planning" our next attack. Yes, that's it, I was "planning." Secrecy is, of course, of paramount importance during the execution of a Holy War, and I was able to buy Rahim's silence by promising him some extra virgins in his next life. I thought of killing him, for that is how Tony Soprano would have handled the situation, but we have been offering up a lot of martyrs lately and are running low on soldiers.
Rahim just brought me my breakfast, and already the simple minded fool seems to have forgotten about what happened last night.

Mmmmm.... This orange juice is much better than usual. Very tangy.

I was up half the night studying my copy of Jihad for Dummies and found nothing about extra virgins. I strongly suspect Osama lied to me in order to buy my silence. But what recourse do I have, for I am but a mere cook? Besides, I'm not sure what the big deal is about the 72 virgins. Yes, it certainly SOUNDS intriguing, but what happens when you're done with them? Are you stuck having to satisfy yourself with your own hand and a copy of the Frederick's of Mecca catalogue? 72 virgins won't last forever, and eternity is a long time....

I do not like being lied to. And may Allah forgive me for saying so, for I know envy is sinful, but I am jealous of Osama. Livestock has not been easy to come by lately.
I shall have my revenge, even if it means forfeiting my place in paradise. I shall urinate in the Great One's orange juice this morning...

I was just taking the Great One his nightly cup of hot cocoa when I saw something no mortal's eyes should EVER be forced to behold... He was having sex with a GOAT!!!! It was very disturbing.... In return for my silence, he has promised me an extra 36 virgins when I achieve martyrdom. Does Osama really have that kind of pull with Allah...? Still, I agreed, if for no other reason than that I value my entrails.
What most bothers me about this development is that I've an eye on that same goat myself.....

The cloning process by which I was recreated has not been without its side effects. I was born with the memories and experieces which forged my original self still intact. And in most ways, I emerged from my surrogate mother's womb as a fully functional adult sociopath. The Raelian scientists really did a magnificent job reproducing me. And THAT, quite frankly, is the only reason I don't disembowel those unholy fruitcakes and feed their entrails to the dogs. I have never liked men who wear their hair in ponytails--it's much too fruity. Wear a turban, for Allah's sake.

Yet there are times I find myself attracted to children's toys, such as rattles. I enjoy playing with Barbie dolls, but only when alone. I like to dress them up in little burqas. But my favorite game is pulling the arms and legs off of GI Joe figures.
Plus, I suspect I have the hormone levels of a teenager. For example, that goat over there is looking pretty good....

The new Direct TV system is great. We got up early to watch Joe Millionaire, a show that our sleeper cells living within the belly of the American beast told us about. The very concept of this show is vile, disgusting, and totally devoid of any socially redeeming values whatsoever. Is this truly how the infidels pick their mates? Even worse, only ONE at a time?!?! And I strongly suspect that some of these women are NOT virgins, shocking as that may be. I feel dirty just for having watched this garbage. But the show must be true, or else why would they call it reality TV? At any rate, Joe Millionaire is a perfect example of why Allah Himself shall descend from the heavens and personally destroy the Great Satan. He's just, you know, taking his time and lulling the enemy into a false sense of security.
In the meantime, I am hoping Evan picks Melissa M.

We went to the Mall of Peshawar today and bought a new satellite TV system at Circuit City. Also a nice five disc DVD player. And since travelling through mountain passes by mule while periodically enduring bombing raids can be hard on home electonic equipment, we of course got the extended service plans. Afterwards we blew up the store.
Then on the way out of the parking lot we got stuck in traffic and ended up exchanging artillery fire with mall security. Five of my loyal followers gave their lives in martyrdom, but fortunately the DVD player was not damaged.
A nearby Wal-Mart ended up being in the line of fire and was quickly reduced to a pile of smouldering rubble. This is unfortunate since we later discovered we were running low on Sam's Cola.
All in all, a typical shopping trip.

Abdullah has succeeded in convincing me that going to North Korea is not practical at this time. Normally when someone dares to disagee with me I slit them open, remove the internal organs, and feed them to the vultures. But because I respect his opinion, I shall only have him flogged.
Still, I would like to have a weapon of mass destruction someday. It would gain our cause new respect, inspire more of the faithful to arise in Jihad, and cause the infidels to cower in fear. Plus, I think a nuclear warhead would help me meet chicks.

Osama is nuts. I'm going to bed.

I have obtained reliable information that North Korea has nuclear warheads for sale. We have been unable to obtain one from Pakistan, and the bidding wars on eBay for the few old Soviet warheads available always push the prices to outrageous levels. Plus, you can't get a warranty with those. Thus I have decided we should make our way to the Korean Peninsula in an effort to buy one. It is my understanding that North Korean dictator Kim Il Sung is a raving lunatic, so we should get along just fine.
I have looked at a map, and it appears we are only maybe 30 centimeters away. There do appear do be some minor creases along the folds, but aside from that, the journey should be an easy one. I shall put my trusted top aid Abdullah in charge of plotting a route.

We have been on the move for the last 14 hours or so, and our asses are sore and tired.... Come to think of it, so are our butts. We will stop here for the night to feed and water our asses, as well as to rest our butts.

Breakfast was interrupted when we spotted a Predator drone circling overhead, probably belonging to the Central Infidel Agency. We quickly broke camp, grabbed our cocks, and ran like hell.

It has been relatively quiet today with no infidel special forces or bombing raids to interrupt our solitude. This is a nice change of pace and has given us all a chance to relax. The men spent much of the afternoon engaged in cockfighting, which is always a good morale booster. I will not, however, allow wagering on the outcomes, as that would be offensive to Allah. I must admit, though, that I find cockfighting vaguely disturbing since we don't actually have any roosters.

I must thank the Washington Post for a very helpful article about how the evil American military machine plans to conduct its war against my Islamic bretheren in Iraq. It is unbelievable that they would publish such revealing information for all to see. I am forwarding the information to Saddam so he will know where to aim his Scuds. While I am no fan of his--I think he's an opportunisic weasel who only embraces the teachings of Allah when it suits him--I also subscribe to the theory that any enemy of my friend is an enemy of my enemy... No, wait, I mean any friend of my enemy... That's not right either... I got it: Any enemy of my enemy is a friend of mine.

Mr. Blackwell has issued his annual top 10 lists of the best dressed and worst dressed infidel women of 2002. Who is this guy, what are his qualifications, and why are there no muslim women on his list? Anyway, At the top of the worst dressed list is Anna Nicole Smith, who looks remarkably like the wild boar that rampaged through our camp last night. Abdul shot it with a Stinger missile, so we were able to have bacon this morning instead of fried snow. Nice change of pace.
Kelly Osbourne came in number two. Those two are perfect examples of why women should wear burkas.
I watched The Osbournes once. Terrible mistake on my part. I spent the next two days apologizing to Allah for my indiscretion. That show is the perfect example of why I will destroy the Great Satan America.... Just as soon as they stop dropping bombs on my ass.

Though I am currently living along the Afghan/Pakistani border with a small band of trusted followers, I still have my condo in Kandahar. And I understand the real estate market there is now booming. Well, it was booming before, too, but in a different way.
Allah willing, I shall return to it someday. I miss the place terribly. There's a great hot tub actually in the unit, air conditioning, central heat, one of those adjustable air mattresses, and my recording studio in the unit immediately next door. I knocked out a wall to provide direct access, which pissed off the homeowners' association. The dispute was resolved, though, when I had them slaughtered.

The Americans announced the Grammy Award nominations this morning, and once again they have chosen to ignore me. Instead, the western disciples of Satan have decided to bestow these honors on infidels like Bruce Springsteen and Eminem, who is a singer apparently named after my favorite candy.I put a LOT of work into those taped death threats I periodically release. They are all original material I personally write and painstakingly mix in my home recording studio. It really hurts my feelings to not receive the recognition I deserve. Even if there is no actual separate category for "Spoken threats of world destruction," don't I still qualify as a male vocalist?

Breakfast this morning was pretty typical: Scrambled snow and fried rocks. It's not too bad once you get used to it. The trick is to eat the snow while it's still hot BUT before it has a chance to melt. Personally, I think what this desolate region needs is an IHOP.
Some legal questions have been raised as to whether or not I actually need a new birth certificate or if the old one still applies. I feel that since I'm still genetically me, the old one is still valid. My lawyer disagreed with me.... So I disemboweled him and let the vultures feed on his entrails. That seems to have settled the issue quite nicely.