That Kaddafi, or Gaddafi, or Qaddafi, or whatever the hell he's calling himself these days, is really pissing me. He has all these wonderful weapons of mass destruction, and now he's just going to destroy them.

What a waste. I would gladly have taken them off his hands.

----------Wolverton, Cagle Cartoons

Kaddafi, or Gaddafi, or Qaddafi, or whatever the hell he's calling himself's problem is the same as Saddam's was: He fails to open his heart to Allah, and dedicate his life to furthering the teachings of the Koran.... Per my interpretation of the Koran, I mean.

Instead, Kaddafi, or Gaddafi, or Qaddafi, or whatever the hell he's calling himself seeks to save his own hide, and further his own power at the expense of eternal glory.... Not to mention those virgins.

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Some people are wondering what's going on with all these reports about Air France. Without admitting anything one way or another, let's just say that Al Qaeda had built up a lot of frequent flier miles with the airline, and we just felt that the infidel holidays would be a good time to burn them up.... er, I mean use them up. The miles, I mean.

And no, Las Vegas was not a target. It's a popular vacation destination for our future suicide bombers. Why, even Mohammad Atta, the leader of our 9-11 attacks, spent time there.

Some of you may think that it's rather hypocritical of us to go enjoy ourselves in a place that so exemplifies everything we hate about the west. Well, yeah, those of you who don't know us better would think that. But the fact is, Vegas is a great way to show our recruits everything that is wrong with the corrupt infidel lifestyle.... Plus maybe catch a show or two, win big at the baccarat table, get roaring drunk, and hire hot strippers to come to your hotel room and put on a private show.

So no, there's obviously nothing hypocritical about that.

Bad news from up north. Our plan to hijack Santa's Sleigh has unraveled. Apparently, security personel at the fat infidel's workshop became suspicious and arrested several middle eastern looking elves.

I'm thinking of contacting the ACLU and suing someone. It's not right that middle easterners are constantly being singled out for special attention. Isn't that discrimination?

Don't be absurd. What would I want with a Christmas tree? Most importantly, where would I put it?

----------Tony Auth, Philadelphia Inquirer

Don't say it.

Wonderful news!! With that pesky Saddam out of the way, people are starting to notice me again! For example, the United States has just raised its terror alert level to Code Orange.

It gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling inside to know that I'm once again being appreciated.

Then again, I suppose that warm and fuzzy feeling could be due to that unskinned rat I had for dinner earlier....

In yet another indication that drug abuse is rampant in the United States, a new poll says that 66% of Americans believe I'll eventually be caught. One can only assume that the recent capture of Saddam has led to this delusional state of existence.

----------Jeff StahlerCincinnati Post

May I take a moment to point out some facts that may serve to deflate this balloon of artificial euphoria? First, Saddam was only on the run for eight months. I, on the other hand, have been successfully eluding the infidel forces for over two years. That means I've had almost three times as much practice!

Secondly, I have Allah on my side. He's always been there. Saddam, on the other hand, was an opportunistic weasel who only invoked Allah's name when he was desperately trying to rally support, or else trying to get laid. Allah does not particularly care for part time devotees. On the other hand, I'm not only FULL time, but I put in lots and lots of overtime as well.

A Tung-Yin writes: Hey Ossie: Now that the spotlight is off Saddam -- well, he's probably under some sort of spotlight, but one of American interrogators -- will your blog no longer be in his shadow?

And what do you think of the Dixie Chicks?

A good question. And as much as it sickens and disgusts me to deal with worthless unholy infidels such as yourself, whose vile bodies aren't even worthy of serving as kitty litter for Allah's cats, yes, I do expect my blog to regain its former and well deserved glory. As you may well be aware, it was I who first invited that pathetic excuse for a holy warrior Saddam to join me on my site. Then, when the Great Satan launched its own jihad against the Muslims of Iraq, he decided he was too good to keep associating with me and started his own spinoff blog.

It's kind of like what that maid did on The Jeffersons. What was her name? Flo, I believe. She got her own series, and suddenly she wouldn't assciate with George and Weezie. And how many of you have the foggiest idea what I'm talking about here? And if you're too young to remember The Jeffersons, why aren't you in bed already? Do your parents know you're still up?

As for the Dixie Chicks, well, don't tell Allah I said this, but they make me pitch a tent in my robes. However, I never could convince Saddam to introduce me to them. That Natalie Maines is especially hot. She is so sexy when she denounces Bush. Of course, I find anyone who makes disparaging remarks about the American President to be desirable.

That's why Michael Moore also turns me on.

My many followers have been wondering what I think about Saddam's capture.

Well, quite frankly, I think he's a cowardly wuss. I can't believe he allowed himself to be taken alive like that. Then again, Maybe it shouldn't come as a surprise. After all, not all of us have it takes to be a martyr.

Granted, I haven't actually become a martyr myself, but that's only because I'm, er, "unselfish." Yeah, that's it. I'm unselfish. That's why I'm always so eager to let someone ELSE go out there and get themselves killed while I remain safe.

My many followers have been wondering what I think about Saddam's capture.

Well, quite frankly, I think he's a cowardly wuss. I can't believe he allowed himself to be taken alive like that. Then again, Maybe it shouldn't come as a surprise. After all, not all of us have it takes to be a martyr.

Granted, I haven't actually become a martyr myself, but that's only because I'm, er, "unselfish." Yeah, that's it. I'm unselfish. That's why I'm always so eager to let someone ELSE go out there and get themselves killed while I remain safe.

Today is a very special day. It's the 100th anniversary of the Wright Brothers' first flight.

I wonder if THEY had any problems getting through security?

----------Henry Payne, Detroit News

Well, I guess Saddam won't be joining me now. He got his sorry ass captured last night.

But me? I'm still here, and I'M KING OF WORLD!!!!! Well, at least king of this dank cave.

----------Gary Varvel, Indianapolis Star

Two infidels went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. They were very particular, and were looking for just the right one.
After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry jackals, one infidel turned to the other one and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

Courtesy of Metsudath.

----------Tony Auth, Philadelphia Inquirer

Apparently the people of Afghanistan are having a hard time working out the details of their new constitution. Personally, I don't see what the problem is. All you really need is:

Article I Obey the Koran.
Article II Kill infidels.
Article III Lots of them.

There. Now that wasn't so hard, was it?

What can I say? Everyone needs a hobby. Studies even show that having a fulfilling pastime leads to better health and increased longevity!

----------Joe Heller, Green Bay Gazette

I have just heard some highly disturbing news out of the United States: Apparently several hundred airline pilots are now authorized to carry guns! Now why did they go and do that?! Has anyone considered that such a thing can be dangerous? Someone could even get shot!!
Suppose someone, for no reason in particular, would prefer to fly on a plane that does NOT have armed pilots. Is there a way to find out? Perhaps such information could be listed online.

I can only conclude that drug abuse among the infidels' military units is rampant. How else to explain the remarks that this General Peter Pace just made? According to him, "Bin Ladn is out of the picture."
Really!?! Well, that's certainly news to me. And I'm sure it also comes as a shock to the people of Istanbul who are now afraid to crawl out from under their beds.
Even more important, what kind of stupid name is "Peter Pace?" Is that even real? You know, this could be some sort of clumsy CIA attempt to confuse me. That's the only possible reason someone would say I'm no longer a factor.

Those car bomb attacks in Turkey a few days ago? Yeah, they were my handiwork. Well, technically it was the Abu-Hafs al-Masri Brigades, but they're a fully vested subsidiary of ours. We bought 'em out last year and integrated their services into the existing Al Qaeda product line.
That's how you survive and grow in this era of globalization.

If I didn't know better, I'd say this guy is mocking me! Either that, or he's completely missing the point of terrorism.

----------Tony Auth, Philadelphia Inquirer

The FBI now admits that it can't infiltrate Al Qaeda with undercover agents. Well.... DUH!! This really shouldn't surprise anyone.
My cause is just, after all. I mean, what could be more noble than the killing of innocent, unarmed civilians on a beautiful, sunny morning, who are sitting at their desks drinking coffee and reading that morning's "Dilbert?" My followers realize that, and that knowledge in turn inspires great devotion among those that wish to martyr themselves. Well, that, and the thing with the 72 naked, horny virgins tends to help as well. So any potential undercover agents would quickly be seduced by our benefits package.
Plus, guys speaking Arabic with a Georgia accent tend to stick out around here.

Did you hear about the 240 people that were trampled during a stampede at Mecca? Now that's devotion! You never hear about Catholics getting trampled while getting communion, or Jehova's Witnesses stampeding to knock on someone's door.

Ain't Islam grand?

I was starting to feel quite neglected over here in Afghanistan.... Or maybe it's Pakistan.... Or Iran..... Could also be a suburb of Jersey City. Who knows where I am?
Anyway, it's good to be back in the news. Now the Americans are worried that my followers may hijack cargo planes. Rest assured that IF we do, we'll be quite particular about WHICH cargo planes we steal. After all, what was that old commercial...? When you absolutely, positively have to inflict terror the next day....?
However, if I were you, I would be much more concerned about what I plan to do with the moon tomorrow night. That's right: I'm going to make it disappear!!
Just try and stop me.

I see that the popularity of my favorite TV show is spreading rapidly throughout the world.

I am hereby claiming responsibilty for those explosions on the sun. What, you doubt I could pull off something so dramatic?
Well, let me ask you this: Has anyone else claimed responsibilty for them?
No? Well, then I rest my case.

----------Tony Auth, Philadelphia Inquirer

Sometimes people say to me, "Osama, how is it that you keep recruiting fresh idiots to your cause?"
Well, it's quite easy, actually: I just tell them that the infidels have declared war on Islam and are seeking to wipe us out. And if anyone doubts that's true, they only need to read what General William Boykin had to say recently.
While addressing groups of godless Christian evangelicals, he came right and said that Christianity is at war with Islam. This from a top leader of the Great Satan's armies!!! Of course, now that he has accidentally spoken the truth, he is trying to apologize, but it's too late.
I've already included his words in pamphlets for our fall recruiting campaign.

----------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

So how did you like my terrorist attack in Chicago the other day? I'm talking about Steve Bartman, who tried to grab the foul ball and in so doing crushed the hopes and dreams of millions of Cubs fans. He also prolonged an ancient curse dating back a thousand years to the time of the Crusades.
That's right: Steve was no ordinary fan: He was actually an Al Qaeda operative. And the best part is, it may yet turn out to have been a suicide mission!

And what's this about a woman winning the Nobel Peace Prize? Even worse, a Muslim woman?!?!?
Allah is going to majorly pissed when he hears about this.....

American televangelist and leading infidel preacher man Pat Robertson says he would love to get a nuclear device into Foggy Bottom and blow up the US State Department.
WOW!!!! The more I learn about this guy, the more I come to realize how much the two of us have in common!
I guess not all Christians are bad after all.

----------Steve Benson, Arizona Republic

Saddam and I were talking just the other day about when we were growing up, and our favorite children's games at the time. And aside from "Pin the Tail on the Jew," we both agreed that our next favorite game was "Hide and Seek."
Somehow we don't think George W. Bush was very good at that.

----------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free-Press

Great. They've arrested a third spy at Guantanomo Bay. That reduces the number of my operatives there by almost 15%.
Another dozen arrests & I'll have to start to getting my news from Fox.

I have heard about this "Hurricane Isabel," and quite frankly, I am jealous of her. She has accomplished something that I have attempted to do, but failed at: Paralyzing the capital city of the Great Satan.
I shall file this information away for future reference. Forget the hijacked planes, park the truck bombs, and scratch the dirty bombs. If we want to incapacitate the evil ones, all we need is the mere threat of wind and rain. Why, even Bush has fled to the mountains.... And that's something I can identify with.
I shall begin recruiting suicide meteorologists for future attacks.

Had a helluva time fitting that helmet over my turban, though.

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

What is the problem with the American people? I just released a brand new recording (no illegal downloads; BUY the CD, you cheapskates) threatening widespread death and destruction among the infidel masses. Plus, yesterday was the second anniversary of 9-11. So you would think they'd be quaking in their shorts and fleeing their cities, right?
But no!!! Instead of fearing for their lives, those damned Americans are more concerned with the wedding plans of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez!!!
Is there no justice in this world?

----------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

Yasser Arafat just emailed me this very funny joke. Of course, in his version it was about two blonde jews, but I changed it around just a bit.

There were two godless blonde infidel dogs working for the city council. One would dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked furiously all day without rest, one godless blonde infidel digging a hole, the other godless blonde infidel dog filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows right behind and fills it up again."
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, normally we are a three-man team, but the other godless blonde infidel dog who plants the trees is out sick today."

Paul Hill is slated to die in a Florida prison later tonight (Eastern Infidel Time). He killed an abortion doctor and a clinic volunteer in 1994. Hill says he was merely doing his god's work when he shot the two unarmed people.
Hmmm.... I can certainly identify with that.
He adds that the sooner he is "executed... the sooner I am going to heaven. I expect a great reward in heaven."
Well, let's hope none of those virgins get knocked up, eh, Mr. Hill?
Even though this gentleman is a Christian, I must confess to admiring him. Indeed, I admire anyone who is willing to kill unarmed people in the name of his god. So I suppose in same ways, you infidels and I aren't all that different. Shocking, ain't it?
And in return for his noble efforts at exercising his religious convictions, the United States government wants to kill him.
Sounds like Mr. Hill and I have an awful lot in common!!

Gee, where has the summer gone? Admittedly, it wasn't as much of a vacation as I'm accustomed to. Especially the last several weeks, the damn Americans have been bombing us again. Jeez, don't they ever get tired of it? So needless to say, I haven't been able to get away to the beach the way I used to in past years. It's a real shame, too, because I have this great timeshare on the Mediterreanean coast in Lebanon. Well, at least Yasser was able to use it between bus bombings.

----------David Horsey, Seattle Post-Intelligencer

I just found out that Madonna was tongue kissing Britney Spears and Christina Agilera on the MTV Video Music Awards. This is truly shocking!!! I mean, I didn't even know MTV still played music videos!!!!!
But beyond the shock of that profound revelation, I find that this entire incident is a perfect example of the decadance that has come to permeate every aspect of western civilization. Of course, I will have to tape this disgusting spectacle of wanton temptations of the flesh when they rerun it. Why, you ask?
Well, uh.... Er.... So that I may repeatedly review it, both in slow motion and freeze frame modes, and stare at it for hours at a time so that I may more fully immunize myself against the unholy effects of scantily clad females making out with one another.
Yes, it's a dirty job, but somebody has to do it.

Hmmm.... Tonight's close encounter with Mars represents a missed opportunity for us. What we should have done is trained suicide astrophysicists to go to Mars and hijack it. Instead, we'll just sitting here, staring at the sky, and marvelling at the vastness of Allah's creation. It is at such moments that I realize how petty our differences on here on Earth seem. For if you think about it, do we all not bleed the same blood when cut? But then I'll hear about another bus bombing in Israel and come to my senses.
Well, as I understand it, we'll have another chance in 284 years.

----------Dana Summers, Orlando Sentinel

I may be a world renown terrorist, and people may cower at the mere mention of my name, but I still have many friends Why, just today I have received dozens of emails from total strangers talking about some "wicked new screensaver." How very thoughtful!! Now I don't usually bother with spam, but I think I'll ceck this one out.
Hmmm.... It's a ".pif" attachment. Haven't heard of that kind before, but let me open it and see what hap

Ah, the internet is a wonderful place!!

That big blackout over there in SatanLand was really something, eh? Left me feeling pretty good about myself. No, I wasn't responsible for it, though I wish I had been.
However, look at the very first thought on everyone's minds when the magnitude of the event began to sink in: "Is it terrorism?"
I may not have succeeded in blowing anything up in America for a while, but the fact that I'm the VERY FIRST thing people think of when something horrible happens is quite an accomplishment.
Gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling inside just thinking about that.

My plan to run for governor of California and set up an Islamic state in North America has met with some unexpected obstacles.
Chief among these is that the deadline was some 28 hours ago. And even if I had managed to weasel out a brief extension by holding an airliner full of little old ladies hostage, it probably wouldn't have helped. I checked on both Orbitz.com and Travelocity, and at best it would have taken me 12 days by freighter to get to America.
Yes, freighter. Couldn't find any cruise ships that go from Kandahar to Los Angeles. And the fact that Afghanistan is a landlocked country only added further obstacles to the cruise option. But that's really my only alternative for intercontinental travel since I refuse to fly.
Too many damn wackos on planes nowadays.
Anyway, I think I would enjoyed being governor. When I think of how I could have used my new found legitamacy to spread Allah's word, I break out in goosebumps. For example, you know those big letters that spell out HOLLYWOOD on that mountainside? I would have replaced with something a little more dignified and in keeping with my interpretation of the Koran.... Such as DEATH TO INFIDELS.
Of course, I would have immediately abolished the film industry. Too many false idols in that business. And all the former Hollywood actresses would have been forced to wear burqas, so there would have been no further need for plastic surgeons. And the state is already short on electricty, so I would have felt right at home in that regard.
However, I would have left Berkely alone. They're already anti-American enough.

I can certainly sympathize with Verizon's labor problems. I myself am dealing with a disgruntled suicide bombers' union.

I see that my operative Zacarias Moussaoui is continuing to carry out his assigned attacks against the United States. You see, everyone thinks he was supposed to be the 20th hijacker, but that was never the case. Turns out he would throw up every time he as much as looked at an airplane, which makes hijacking one just a bit difficult.... And messy.
Anyway, he was always getting on all the other terrorists' nerves with his know-it-all, bookish attitude. He was a typical geek, in other words. But we decided to put those traits to work for us by making sure he got arrested. Now he's in jail, working on his own defense, and increasingly tying up the courts with his incessant apeals, briefs, and motions. Soon the infidels' entire legal system will grind to a halt.
Pretty clever, eh?

Did you see what happened to Tiger Woods at the British Open? Lost the ball on his very first shot and ended up with a triple bogey!! People are wondering how the world's best golfer could have made such a blunder.
Well, I'll let you in on a little secret: It was me!
Yup. It's all part of my plan to destroy the Great Satan's sports icons one-by-one. Never mind how; let's just say it's between me and the Big Guy upstairs. Wait till you see how many interceptions Joe Montana throws this coming season!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Huh? What do you mean Joe's "retired?"

BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

My plan to derail the decadent United States infidel based economy is progressing quite nicely. What makes this success all the more surprising is that I really haven't done anything lately. The only possible explanation is that Allah has lent us his divine intervention!
I base this assesment on the news about the couple that won the $130 million dollar lottery prize. Have you heard how they plan to spend it? On a tractor, and a refrigerator!
If refrigerators are going for over a hundred million dollars a piece, their economy must be shot to hell.

There is nothing nobler than martyrdom, and there's no finer way to achieve that than with a suicide bombing. It's like the Koran says: If you must die, have a blast while doing it.
It does TOO say that.... At least in my copy of the Koran it does. Really. In the margins. Where I, um, kind of wrote notes to myself.
So technically it does say that in the Koran.
No, I am not stretching the truth. Stretching the truth is when you start arguing that oral sex is not really sex, depending on how you define the word "is," okay? So get off my back.
Anyway, the point I was trying to make was that these two female Chechnyan suicide bombers near Moscow died a noble death. Messy, yes, but noble nonetheless. And believe me, there's nothing sexier than a woman with 30 pounds of explosives strapped to her waist.
Now some of you are probably saying to yourselves, "Yo, Osama, wassup!!! So, like, if male suicide bombers get 72 virgins, what do the female ones get?"
Excellent question. And the answer is, they get to do the dishes!!
You see, after all the male martyrs are finished doing the dirty deed over and over 72 times, they work up quite an appetite, and there is a massive feast with many fine foods and drinks. Things like roasted lambs, pork ribs, buffalo wings, steaks fresh off the grill, potato salad, cranberry sauce (from a can, so those little ridges are still visible), and Margaritas. With those cute little umbrella things, of course.
Needless to say, afterwards there is one hell of mess to clean up, and the honor falls to the women. Actually, they used to use Mexicans, but then Allah decided to crack down on the green cards. That's why we began encouraging women to blow themselves up.
Who says Islam isn't progrssive?

I don't get it.
This would seem to imply that I'm some how a bad person....

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=514&e=5&u=/ap/20030627/ap_on_go_ca_st_pe/terrorism_arrests_12

This is awful news. In fact, it is so bad that I find it almost impossible to believe.... Apparently Hamas is prepared to negotiate a truce with the Israelies! It will be tough for me to continue to justify inflicting mass death and destruction in the name of Palestinian oppression if the inconsiderate bastards make peace with the jews!
No matter. I'll come up with another reason.

No wonder I haven't heard from Iyman Faris lately.... He's been sitting in a jail cell for the last six weeks! No one ever tells me anything.
This is a terrible setback for us, and a horrible waste. We paid for Iyman to learn how to drive a truck but not park it, and then he goes and gets himself locked up.
Needless to say, his mission is a failure too. He was supposed to chop down the Brooklyn Bridge, then pick up a copy of that new Harry Potter book for me. Fairly simple tasks, right? But instead he goes and screws it up by getting arrested!! Anyone that stupid should have just been made a suicide bomber.

Dang!! And a bunch of our operatives had JUST purchased tickets on Mainline Airways!!

Americans are such wimps. Even their so-called "terrorists" are spoiled rotten!! I have been reading this Eric Rudolph fellow, and he is truly pathetic compared to us. He says that for the five years he hid in the mountains he survived by eating lizards, salamanders, and acorns. HA!! REAL terrorists like those of us in Al Qaeda don't have such creature comforts!
When we live off the land, we REALLY live off the land. We eat rocks and sticks. If we're lucky enough to have water, we'll fix ourselves a heapin' pile of mud. And during the winter winter months, fried snow. That's always a treat. For meat, we hunt jackals, which is never easy. Typically, we have to feed them kidnapped journalists till they fall asleep. Then we sneak up on them and hit them in the head with a small boulder. See, that's the tricky part. If you don't kill them with that first blow, they wake up really pissed and rip you to shreds. Could Rudolph have done that? Huh? I doubt it.
What is an "acorn," anyway? Are they vicious?
And we don't have the luxury of picking through dumpsters for discarded three day old food that has already been regurgitated multiple times by various rodents.
There is one thing that bothers me (Besides the constant threat of being blown to bits by Hellfire missiles, I mean)..... When WE blow up stuff and kill innocent people in the name of Allah, we get branded as Islamic terrorists. So how come when Rudolph does the same thing, no one calls him a Christian terrorist? Smells like discrimination to me.
I'm tempted to call the ACLU.

People have asked me, "So, Osama, what do you think about that woman, Annika Sorenstam, who tried to play in that men's golf tournament?"
I'm fine with it, provided she wears a burqa.
Besides, golf hardly qualifies as a sport. Knocking a little non-explosive ball around, trying to get it to fall into a hole? Gimme a break!!
Where's the adventure? The risk? The constant threat of death?
Golf would be much more exciting if it were played in the middle of a minefield. Can you imagine Tiger Woods getting blown thirty feet into the air while trying to sink a putt? Now that would certainly level the playing field a bit!
I think that instead of using golfballs to play golf, they should use grenades. And instead of having little holes in the ground as targets, there should be infidels tied to stakes.

As much as I hate infidels, I must admit that some of them do have certain redeeming qualities. For example, the Americans have VERY short memories. For example, they are thinking of going back to using private company screeners at their airports.
Well, okay, that's perfectly fine by me. Al Qaeda has plenty of suicidal martyrs just dying for work. I must admit, however, to wondering what is going through their minds. Have they forgotten what happened just 20 months ago? Or are they feeling guilty for neglecting me during their silly little fling with Saddam? If that's the case, I really don't need their charitable handouts. We are quite capable of being fearsome without potential targets pretending to be asleep.

Syria's President Assad says he doesn't think Al-Qaeda exists.
Where did he that? The New York Times?

Some people have wondered why Al Qaeda would attack Saudi Arabia. Well, why not? Everyone else already hates us, so what's one more country? Besides, they were late with their protection money last month, and busting kneecaps is much too boring.
Did you like the audio tape Ayman al-Zawahri released the other day? Very inspirational stuff, I thought. He's a pretty nasty guy, a regular sociopath with absolutely no conscience whatsoever. Fits right into Al Qaeda.
In fact, Ayman is so devoid of morals that I made him my right hand man. So if the Americans really wanted to find me, maybe they should start looking for him.
I'll be the guy on his left. With the beard.

Did you like the way I made the moon disappear last night? Pretty impressive, huh?

It's nice to be working again.

A number of Christian leaders in the United States of Satan have called on their fellow ministers to be tolerant when speaking of Islam, and to stop making inflammatory comments about Muslims. Well, thanks be to Allah that there are finally some voices of reason in the wilderness!!. Such a move is long overdue, and is only fair.
It is important for all the great religions of the world to get along, develop an understanding of one another's beliefs, and to exercise respect for our differences and, yes, our similarities. For in the end, do we not all recognize one supreme being, regardless of what we may call Him (I hate to disappoint all you "Dogma" fans, but he's definitely a HIM. And no, he looks NOTHING like Alannis Morissette).
After all, you never hear me making disparaging remarks about the godless infidels who deserve to be slaughtered wholesale so that they may burn in hell for all eternity while I'm busy hosing virgins.

So how's the weather been over in the United States of Satan? Are you having fun?
You call them tornadoes. I call them Allah's revenge.

During the past week a lot has been made of this new "Road Map to Peace" in the middle east. HA!! The only such road map that will work is a limited access superhighway leading from Tel Aviv to the sea. Besides, there have been some 37 peace plans over the last 30, 35 years, and none of them has amounted to a hill of beans in this crazy, mixed up world. So I'm not going to lose any sleep over this latest one. As long as Israel continues to exist, I'll have a job. Best job security on the planet, in fact. Just don't bother trying to buy life insurance.
Besides, this latest plan is only a week old, and already they're bitchin' and moanin' about it.


----------------------------------------------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

Well, they arrested a few more of my operatives the other day. The worst part is I had just finished paying for their helicopter flying lessons.

Hmmm..... Some pilots in the United States of Satan have begun arming themselves.
I don't think I like that idea.


------------------------------------------------------------------------by Oliphant

Events in Iraq are certainly taking an interesting turn. The Shiites, eternally grateful to the United States for liberating them, want the infidels out as of yesterday. They must have learned how to show gratitude by studying French history.
Then, joyously free of Saddam's oppressive rule, they want to set up a an oppressive theocracy along the lines of what Iran has. Oh, how I LOVE the smell of irony in the morning!!!! Pungent, yet tangy, with just a hint of sweetness!!
And then we have Mr. Rumsfeld declaring that the Iraqi people will be free to choose whatever form of government they want. Well, suppose they want a theocracy run by Mullahs with eighth grade educations? "Oh, well, any form of government EXCEPT that!" I appreciate that, sir. I can always use new recruits.
When will the United States figure out that when they meddle in the affairs of the Middle East, they are not dealing with rational people?
Anyway, I can hardly wait for the Shiites to take over and impose their rule based on a strict, literal interpretation of the Koran.... Kind of like what Jerry Falwell wants to do with the bible in America.
And once the new Iraqi government is in place, maybe I'll have a place to live again. Granted, I'm a Sunni, and we don't usually get along with the Shiites. But during a Jihad, it is important for us to put aside our ancient differences and fight as one people against our common enemy, the United States of Satan. Together, we can slaughter millions of innocent unarmed (the innocent unarmed ones are always much easier to slaughter) women and children. Then, once we are victorious and have established the United States of Allah, we Sunnis and Shiites can turn to the more mundane task of slaughtering each other.

Saddam had the audacity to ask if he could stay with me a while. I told him there wasn't a chance in Haj. I went out on a limb for that guy by calling for a Jihad and what does he do? Gives up faster than the French ever did!! What a pussy.... That's the last time I put MY credibility on the line for anyone!
What makes it even worse is all these torture chambers that are coming to light. Look, I'm in favor of pulling the fingernails off one by one from helpless innocent infidels every bit as much as the next fanatical militant with a warped sense of religious duty. Not a damn thing wrong with that. But when you start doing that sort of thing to fellow Muslims...
Well, that's just sick.

HOLY MOTHER OF MECCA!!!!!!! And to think I once showered with this man!!!
But ONLY because we were in the middle of a desert and water was hard to come by, okay?

Abu Abbas has been arrested in Iraq. And of course the infidels are touting this as a major victory in their so-called "War on Terror." Yeah, right.
Now don't get me wrong: Abu is a nice guy and all, but he really botched that whole Achille Lauro thing. He hijacked an entire ship with 320 people on it, and he only killed one person?!?! What in Allah's name was he thinking?!?!
I had a hard time forgiving him for that and didn't speak to him for years. Then he sent a congratulatory me note in September of 2001, said he was very impressed (as I'm sure most people were), and we've exchanged a few emails since then. He even sent me a Ramadan card last year, which I thought was nice of him. Cute card, too. Something involving Camels, bunny rabbits, and time bombs, as I recall.
Anyway, we supposed to get together for drinks at TerrorCon 2003 next month at the Damascus Hilton. Maybe check out some of the booths for the latest innovations in plastic explosives and suicide vests.

The fool infidels at blogger.com (aka blogspot.com) continue to vex me. They can not or will not fix their systems. They have had longstanding problems with the formatting of their archives, problems that they are taking their time to fix. I even paid them money (infidel US dollars, no less) to upgrade the site because I believed in their promise that the additional money would fix the problem. Those promises turned out to be empty falsehoods.The only solution, which is an unsatisfactory one, is to reset my blog's timezone to PST.
Well, that's stupid. I'm not in the blasted PST; I am somewhere along the Afghan/Pakistan border.... Um, I mean, MAYBE I'm along the border... Or maybe not. But I am definitely some place where those evil bloodsucking villianous stooges of Satan can not find me..
Nonetheless, I have reset my site to fix this unholy satanic problem. Hopefully this half-a*s solution is only a temporary one.
If you, dear reader, want to start a blog of your own, I suggest you find someone OTHER than blogger.com to host it. They have no scruples about lying to you, ignoring your inquiries, and deceiving you, and ramming hot iron rods up your orifices. You must face the miserable truth: If I, a world renown and well respected major terrorist can't get satisfaction from these people, what chance do you, a mere meaningless speck in the universe whose worthless existence matters not one whit, have?
When the time comes, I shall be sure to use a rusty, unsanitary blade to disembowel them.

Those stupid Iraqis apparently misunderstood my instructions!! They were supposed to blow up the arriving infidel forces, NOT celebrate their arrival!!!
What a bunch of nimrods.

On the one hand, I am pleased by the suicide bombings that are beginning to occur in Iraq. But at the same time, I am concerned as to who is training these people. Where are they learning their craft? Are they graduating from a certified suicide bombing academy, or are are they freelancing? Not just any idiot can be a suicide bomber, you know. It takes months of rigorous training. But when amateurs go out there and start blowing themselves up, it demeans the entire profession.

I am getting really tired of all the attention Saddam is getting. Now the Washington Post has written about his blog, and listed this site's address! But I don't let him post here any more since he got too big for his britches. While I certainly appreciate your visit to my humble homepage, you can find Mr. Anthrax at his very own site, saddamhussein.blogpot.com.
Not that I'm bitter or anything.....

The war in Iraq has had the expected effect on our recruiting efforts. Applications at our terror schools have soared dramatically. This boom comes just as we are set to begin offering a new graduate program in biological terror.
On the other hand, our new popularity is very much a double edged sword. With more applicants, our quality of recruits obviously goes up. On the other hand, the smarter students quickly figure out that no matter how good you are at it, suicide bombing carries limited opportunities for career advancement.

There are things in this world that even Allah would be hardpressed to explain....
For example, we have been constantly on the run for months now. Every day we move to a new cave, or a new campsite, or a new mountain pass.
The world's top law enforcement agencies have been searching for us since the fall of 2001, but to no avail.
Even the world's most powerful and technologically advanced military force has been engaged in a massive, unrelenting hunt for our hideouts. Yet they, too, have repeatedly failed to track us down.
Quite frankly, there are times even WE don't know where in the name of Mecca we are.
In light of all this, how is it that those cursed free AOL Version 8 disks continue to find us?

A couple of days ago it looked like Saddam was getting his ass kicked. Not any more, though. His Republican Guard units are a tough bunch. I wish I had had them here in Afghanistan instead of those worthless Taliban fighters. They were worse than the French. Things might have turned out differently, and it would be Bush and Cheney trying to hide in caves.
Come to think of it, Cheney does that on a routine basis, doesn't he? That means I'm halfway there!
Tell you what, Mr. Bush.... Let's just call it a draw.

Thank Allah that James Gandolfini and HBO have settled their differences. I was prepared to disembowel the actor if he continued to refuse to go back to work. I simply must have my weekly Sopranos fix if I am to go on....
Gandolfini has certainly "grown" into the role, if you know what I mean. The man has gained some serious tonnage over the last four seasons. He claims to be in WASTE management, but he really should be in WAIST management. I would have needed a heavy duty sword for his disembowelment.
I love the Sopranos. I TiVo it every week, even when it's in reruns. In fact, I have tried to model my management style after Tony Soprano.
Granted, there are some subtle differences; for example, he relies on a a quick bullet to the back of the head to enforce his personnel decisions whereas I prefer a slow torturous death, achieved incrementally through the removal of non-essential internal organs one by one. And while the FBI is after both us, I also have the CIA, Interpol, Pakistani security forces, and the combined weight of the entire United States of Satan military on my tail. That's a subtle difference, but I'm quite proud of it.
But aside from that, we both prefer a no-nonsense approach in our dealings with others, and never take "No" for an answer.

Once I emerge triumphant from the current brouhaha, I'm going to need a new cabinet. Most of the members of the old one are still buried in the rubble of my command bunker. And since it's obvious that it was a highly placed spy that gave away my location last Thursday morning, I'll have to execute not only the surviving cabinet members, but everyone else I know. Then I'll execute everyone they know, and then I'll execute everyone THEY know. I want to cover at least three degrees of separation.
Consequently, I remain on the lookout for new, potential cabinet ministers. Prior experience is not necessary, since I'll be making all the decisions myself. What is required, however, is a shared hatred of the United States, its system of government, and all that its flag represents.
That's why I tuned in to the Academy Awards show last night. Where else can one find a greater concentration of America bashers than in Hollywood? Outside of Paris, I mean.
And I was not disappointed! The man who most caught my attention was Michael Moore when he won for best documentary. Okay, that's a stupid category, but I found his acceptance speech both moving and inspirational. He referred to Bush as a "fictional President" and called the current conflict a "fictional war." From where I'm cowering, it doesn't look TOO fictional at the moment, but it's the thought that counts. By the time he finished, I was openly weeping tears of joy. I don't normally show such emotion in front of my closest aids, but they'll soon be dead, so who cares?
When the time comes to rebuild Iraq, I shall name Mr. Moore my Minister of Propaganda. Of course, he will have to shave and get a haircut first.....

Well, it's about time...! CNN has FINALLY decided to tell the truth about the evil being unleashed upon my poor, helpless nation. A peace loving nation that has never EVER hurt anyone! Not even a fly!!!
Well, okay, there was that thing with the mustard gas and the 15,000 Kurds, but that doesn't really count. Those were Kurds, after all, not people or insects.

They're bombing me again. I can wait them out, though. Sooner or later, they're bound to run out of bombs.
This whole situation points out the fundamental problem with democracy: Every few years they have these things called elections. True, I have had elections here as well, but under the west's system, you're NOT allowed to shoot the people that vote against you. That adds an unacceptable level of uncertainty to the outcome.
Consequently, western countries are subject to periodic changes in leadership. That also leads to broader changes in governmental policies.
That is not fair to dictators like me. We get used to doing things a certain way and become used to thumbing our noses at world opinion. We do this because there are never any serious consequences. Granted, they impose sanctions, and on occassion lob a cruise missile or two at us, but that's it. And sanctions are not a big deal. Invariably, there are loopholes allowing for "humanitarian" reasons. But we can always skim a little (Okay, sometimes a lot) off the top to build lavish palaces and buy forbidden weapons. But again, we do this because we can. It's a great little scam.
Then all of a sudden, some big powerful democratic country has one of those election things, someone new takes over, and suddenly they actually MEAN what they say?!?! How the hell is someone like me supposed to know when they're serious in their threats to invade?
I miss Bill Clinton.

I never did get a chance to go to the store. Between the shrapnel, fireballs, flying body parts, and collapsing buildings, it just wasn't safe to venture out. But even in here, I couldn't sleep because of the racket. And when I don't get enough sleep, I get cranky. And when I get cranky, I gas the Kurds. That has never failed to make me feel better when I'm feeling down.
But now I can't even do that! The phone lines have been cut, and my cellphone doesn't seem to work right either. Damn Verizon people deserve to be taken out and shot. Or did I do that last month....? No, no... I'm thinking of the Microsoft Tech Support team that was stationed here in Baghdad. Those people DEFINITELY deserved to be shot.
The Verizon people will be next, assuming I can eventually dig my way out of this bunker. Every time I try calling someone, all I get is this annoying voice that says, "Hey Saddam, can you hear us now.....? Good."
I knew I should have gone with T-Mobile. That Catherine Zeta-Jones is hot.

Well, I've almost used up all my Scuds, which is actually pretty good, since I didn't have any to begin with. HA HA HA!!!! Fooled that dumb Swede, Hans Blix, though.
You've probably heard that the Americans are meeting with light resistance, and that my troops are surrendering en masse. This is all part of my brilliant military strategy to lull the invading hoardes into a false sense of confidence. Just wait till they get to Baghdad!! Or more precisely, what's LEFT of Baghdad.
Does Amazon.Com sell hearing aids? I need one after what happened in that bunker the other day. That was louder than that Who concert I went to back in '75.
Anyway, I better stock up for what promises to be a long seige. I'm going to head over to my favorite store for supplies.

The men needed a break, so today they organized a game of "nogginball." Nogginball is a lot of fun, hones one's eye-hand coordination skills, builds a sense of comraderie among the participants, and is always a great morale booster.
If you've never played, the rules are fairly simple. You pick your teams and issue swords to the players. Then the whole field erupts into a giant, mass swordfight. This goes on until someone's head is severed and actually falls to the ground. At that point everyone sheathes their swords, and the lopped off head goes into play. This continues until one team or the other scores a goal.
When that happens, everyone pulls out their swords and resume fighting with them until someone again loses their head.
And so it goes until only one team has players left with their heads still attached. They win.
I myself no longer player. The cords and hoses from my dialysis machine would only get in the way. But I did letter in nogginball when I was a senior in high school. As a jock, I was quite popular with the chicks.
Now I just watch the games from the sidelines. But my favorite part is not the action on the field, but rather the cheerleaders on the sidelines. They are quite "exciting" to watch, if you know what I mean. Bouncing all around with their pom-poms, cheering their bosums out, it is truly a sight to behold.
But my favorite part is when, if look hard enough and long enough, you catch a quick glimpse of their ankles from under their burqas.

My sleeper cells in the Great Satan's homeland have notified me through coded, increased chatter that the best way to stop the Americans is with.... a tractor. I'm not sure I understand the significance of this, but I have passed the information on to Saddam. So far I have not heard back from him.
Hope he's okay.....

Nice try, Mr. Bush, but you missed. And quite frankly, I'm not very impressed so far.

Well, the 48 hour deadline has passed and there are no bombs falling and no American tanks rolling through the countryside. It is completely silent outside. Well, ALMOST completely silent, except for the wailing women & screaming children my soldiers have dragged out of their homes to use as human shields.
I knew all along Bush was bluffing.

I have been up all night looking for my mustard gas, but for the life of me, I can't remember where I put it.
I know I had ten tons of it a couple of weeks ago. That's when it was hidden in Mosul. Then I ordered it moved to Baqubah, and when the UN inspectors started snooping around there, it was supposed to be moved to Kirkuk. But according to IraqEx, it was shipped to Tikrit by mistake. From there it supposedly went to Bayji, but no one in Bayji remembers signing for it.
I've been calling IraqiExpress, but no one's answering the phone. I think the cowardly bastards have all fled to Jordan.
Sometimes it's lonely at the top.

Don't tell anyone, but I have begun consolidating my military forces in and around Baghdad.
I was afraid of what effect the current crisis would have on my family, but it doesn't seem to be bothering them. My sons continue to go about their daily business as usual, looting villages, pillaging women, and raping livestock.
I am very proud of them.

So Bush has delivered his ultimatum. Now let him enforce it. We Iraqis are a proud people and shall not surrender so easily. Sure, we gave up Kuwait without much of a fight, but that wasn't our soil. But now the Americans are talking about invading Baghdad itself. My people will fight to the death to defend their country. And if they don't, I will kill the sniveling cowards myself.
I will not leave Iraq. This is where I have lived my entire life. There is no way I will ever go into exile. My friends and most loyal followers are here by my side, and are prepared to lay down their lives to protect me. Am I right, people? Uh, I said, AM I RIGHT PEOPLE?! Hello? Hey, where'd everyone go?

Now those Americans really have me confused. For years they've been bitchin' and moanin' about how I wouldn't let UN inspectors into the country. So FINALLY I give in to their demands and let them in. Keep in mind this has been terribly inconvenient for me. Having to continuously keep moving our weapons of mass destruction--I mean ALLEGED weapons of mass destruction--from one location to another (supposedly, I mean) has not been easy. But we decided to do it, hoping against hope that Bush would stop harping on how I once gassed 5,000 Kurds. Gimme a break!!! That was 15 years ago!!! Give it a rest already!!!
Anyway, now he turns around and is telling the inspectors to get OUT of Iraq!?! Can't he make up his mind already? He's worse than a woman. "Should I wear these shoes or those shoes? This dress or that dress? Disarm him or completely change the regime?"
I just wish he'd stop waffling and show a little backbone.

Well, Bush and his two puppets from Britain and Spain have set a deadline of tomorrow for me to disarm. Big whoop. By my count, this is the 347th deadline in the last 12 years. Then again, the other 346 times didn't include 250,000 American and British troops breathing down my neck. Well, we'll see. Bush would have to be insane to attack me with the opposition he's facing both at home and abroad. I draw strength from those protesters. Why, it's better than Viagra!!! Um, not that I've EVER needed any artificial help to, um, "launch my Scud," if you know what I mean..... If Bush wants to see a REAL weapon of mass destruction, I got it hangin' right here!
Even the Dixie Chicks are on my side. Maybe I'll invite them to Baghdad and personally show them my big, massive, throbbing long range missile.
This latest summit meeting of the "Axis of Warmongers" is meant to intimidate me through a show of unity. HA, HA, HA.... Give me a break!! I mean, yes, the United States is certainly intimidating. The British TRY to be scary, but let's face it: They talk funny. And Spain? Now that's a hoot!!! Does Spain even HAVE an army?!? What are they going to do? Send bullfighters over here? Remember that whole Spanish Armada fiasco of theirs a few hundred years ago? So much for their navy.
On the other hand, the opposition to this supposedly coming war is much more unified. Russia, China, France, Germany, and the rest of Europe are all against it. Well, there was that one embarassing incident a few days ago when France surrendered to Germany. But that was cleared up when someone explained to Jacques Chirac that this time they were both on the same side.
Anyway, that's where things stand now.

Mmmmm.... Rahim smells quite sexy this morning....
HEY!!!! I think I just swallowed a grain of sand or something that was in my orange juice!!
I wonder how it got there?

I passed a kidney stone this morning. It was an extremely painful experience and not one I wish to ever repeat. I screamed like a little girl. And if that wasn't bad enough, all of a sudden shooting erupted in the camp. I thought this was it, that the Great Satan's evil warriors had found us. I even put on some cologne, for I thought I would finally be meeting those virgins which have been promised to me. But it turned out to be a false alarm of some sort. The trigger happy fools that guard Osama did manage to kill a number of our own mules, however. But at least now I have something to cook us for lunch.
Well, I better take Osama his orange juice.
It is good to be rid of that kidney stone.

We just getting ready to eat breakfast when someone began screaming. Of course, everyone immediately assumed we were under attack and pandemonium immediately erupted. After a quick search of the area we found no infidels. We did manage to shoot a number of our own men and mules. This is truly tragic, for mules are not easy to come by.
Never did find the source of that scream.

More bad news.... Yesterday we sent Yasir al-Jaziri out for some supplies. It was a simple list: Some bread, milk, toilet paper (preferably the kind with aloe and vitamin E), canned vegetables, radiological weapons, a foreign journalist or two, and some assorted pasta.
Well, he still hasn't come back, and we were beginning to get worried. For good reason, as it turns out: He's been arrested by Pakistani security forces!!!
Here I was, all set to get a good night's sleep, and now we have to pack up and move again. All this constant travel is getting real old real fast. And as if I didn't already have enough crap to carry, now I have drag these bags under my eyes up and down the damn mountains!
I'm starting to wonder if 72 virgins are enough for this kind of aggravation. Maybe James Gandolfini has the right idea, holding out for more money the way he is. Perhaps I should talk to my agent about holding out for more virgins.

I'm sure that many of you were concerned about my safety and well being. Good news. Turns out that noise was only a jackal looking for discarded foreign journalist parts.

No one ever said Jihad was easy, and the last couple of weeks have been particularly rough. I can't believe that idiot Khalid allowed his computer with all our secrets to fall into the hands of the infidels. How many times did I tell him, "If you're about to be martyred, blow up the laptop with a Stinger missile!!" But N-O-O-O-o-o-o-O-O-O!!!!!!!!! He didn't even think to erase the hard drive. What a putz!
Excuse me? "Putz" is a jewish term? Well, what I meant to say was... "What a .....PUTZ!!!" Yes, I know, I know. But I'm sorry, there's just no better way to describe Khalid, except to say that the man is a putz! And if you keep correcting me, I will be forced to remove your entrails and give you a pair of my "special" shoes with the smoking shoelaces.
Someone's coming. Now I must scurry away and hide like a rat.

I routinely receive emails for products which promise to somehow make me bigger. Well, I have bought some of these pills but have been VERY disappointed in the results. I keep measuring myself on a daily basis, and I have not gotten any taller.
On the other hand, my goat appears to be much happier for some reason.

I have a cellmate now. His name is "Big Bubba." His back is almost as hairy as mine. Big Bubba wants to make me his "bitch," whatever that means. I guess I'll find out soon enough.

Oh sh*t....

May Allah bless and protect Congressman James Moran of Virginia. Yes, he is an infidel, but he is an enlightened infidel who is not afraid to speak the truth.
In a recent speech, Mr. Moran identified the true force pushing for war in Iraq: The jews!!
Perhaps I shall make him an honorary member of Al Qaeda.

Someone has designed a game called "Squash-A-Terrorist." Fortunately it has nothing to do with us since we have no terrorists in Al Qaeda. Plenty of Holy Warriors, but no terrorists.
Perhaps I will design a video game called "Dismember an Infidel." It should be popular around these parts.

People often say to me, "Osama, it's all fine & dandy to want to slaughter defenseless infidels by the thousands, but do you have any vision of what an Islamic America would even look like?"
Well, as a matter of fact I do, and I imagine it would look something like this.

We had something very bizarre happen overnight.... It was about 3 AM when this very strange man with a cellphone came wandering through the camp. He would take a few steps, then ask someone on the other end of his call, "Can you hear me now?" Then he would take a few more steps and repeat the question, "Can you hear me now?" This went on for a few minutes. Finally the intruder's question became so annoying that we disemboweled him and let the wild animals following us feast on his remains. . At that point, NO ONE could hear him any more.
There was one curious development shortly thereafter.... Now one of the jackals, instead of roaring when it opens its mouth, ends up playing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame."
At least we know what became of the cellphone....

It has now been a week since they captured me, and I am being subjected to ever-increasings amounts of brutality. For example, today I learned that I must shower once a week whether I need to or not.
Such frequent bathing is a direct affront to Allah.

Well, this was certinly a pleasant surprise!! The Americans just gave me a wonderful present: A brand new Ford Explorer with a set of four Firestone tires!
I guess they really like me after all!

Watched the Bush's press conference. Very interesting. Not many people know this, but I sometimes hold press conferences. Then at the end of the press conferences, assuming I liked the questions, we release the reporters' families. It's always nice to see those tearful reunions of the survivors.
Anyway, I wasn't particularly impressed. Bush really didn't have anything new to say. Just the usual stuff about kicking my butt if I don't give up my weapons of mass destruction, which I don't have and will not hesitate to use when the United States attacks. Um, I mean, I would not hesitate to use IF I had them. But I don't. Really. Don't know what he's talking about.
I do appreciate him saying that he will tell the UN inspectors to leave before he launches his attack. That should give me plenty of time to be conveniently out of town on the big day.

While the loss of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is certainly an unexpected blow to our noble goal of spreading death, destruction and mayhem so that the infidels may better appreciate the peaceful teachings of Allah, it is by no means fatal. We have any number of talented YUMITs (Young, Upwardly Mobile Islamic Terrorists) eager to fill the void.
The real problem we are faced with is that we don't know what Khalie is telling his evil captors. If the Americans are the ones interrogating him, we have nothing to worry about. They are much too concerned about violating people's civil rights, and will never be able to extract any useful information from him.
On the other hand, if the Pakistani authorities are the ones asking him the questions, then we may be in trouble. They're a rough bunch, and won't hesitate to use electrodes and cattle prods on one's, shall we say, "delicate parts." And if that happens, Khalie will be singing like a canary in heat. I should know, because the man is a wimp. He loves to dish out pain but can't take it himself. Cries like a baby when something hurts.
I remember one time Khalie fell off his camel (brilliant terrorist mastermind, but clumsy as hell) and landed on a scorpion, which promptly stung him. I ended up having to suck the poison out of his ass. He was screaming the whole time like a little girl being stoned for going to school.
Consequently we have begun moving around more than we used to. Even I don't know where we are any more. Hopefully we'll come across a Radio Shack soon so we can buy a GPS unit. And some batteries. Plus I need one of those adaptors for a big headphone plug to a mini headphone plug.
Then we'll disembowel the clerks and blow up the store.

Well, we have confirmed that the forces of evil have captured Khalie. I do not understand why Allah has allowed this to happen, but I'm sure he has his reasons.
The arrest came as a total surprise to us. We were at a Code Green infidel alert level when it happened. I suppose a certain degree of complacency had set in because George W.Satan was so preoccupied with Iraq. Nonetheless, that does not excuse the fact that this represents a total failure of the Al Qaeda intelligence community. Heads will roll for this.
And when I say that, I'm not referring to some "Official Letter Of Reprimand" placed in some terrorist's personnel file. I mean, quite literally, that heads will roll. They'll be rolling right down the mountainside, bouncing off rocks on the way down.

I went shopping today. All the K-Marts and Wal-Marts have been turned into Targets for some reason.
Very odd....

Well, this is a real pisser.... Apparently Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has been arrested... By Pakistan, no less!!!! I hope Musharraf is being well paid for betraying Islam like this, for Allah is reserving a special place in Hell for him. Needless to say, he will have no virgins eagerly awaiting his arrival in Paradise.
IF true, this would be a major setback for us.
Khalie got his start in the business by pulling the legs off of grasshoppers. As he grew older, he went on to tormenting small, helpless animals. This sick behavior quickly came to my attention, and I personally invited him to join Al Qaeda. Khalie eventually become my right hand man. While I provided the words of inspiration that would motivate our followers, he provided the plans by which we would unleash mayhem upon the infidels. It was a good, solid, and highly productive working relationship.
The American snakes are not yet certain they have the right person, however. And we have no immediate way of contacting Khalie since he has an unlisted number--he was tired of the damn telemarketers always calling when he was in the middle of torturing kidnapped journalists. Plus, I've heard it said that we all look alike to the Americans, so there is still hope they have the wrong man.
Come to think of it, the Americans all look alike to me. as well. Except for Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice.... There's something different about those two, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

One of the very few things I like about the United States is their free press. They can print whatever they want, and the President is powerless to have them executed. What the hell kind of President is THAT?
And sometimes this free press prints things that are incredibly helpful to me. For example, USAToday has published an article outlining their military's plans for waging war on my poor, impoverished nation. Why, I myself have been reduced to making do with a mere 17 grand palaces. We can barely afford to pay our nuclear physicists.... Um, I mean, IF we had nuclear physicists, THEN we could barely afford to pay them.... Anyway, these published plans have proven to be immensely helpful in the planning of my defenses.
My spies, on the other hand, have proven to be worthless. Every time we send someone over there, they defect!! Then I'm forced to kill their wives, children, parents, in-laws, nephews, cousins, and paperboys. Then what happens? I get yelled at by human rights groups! It's just not fair.
Anyway, they defect and get jobs in America driving cabs, or working in something called a "7-11," or serving as HMO primary caregivers. These treacherous SOB's claim that such menial jobs are somehow better than the wide array of career paths available to them here, such as working as an (alleged) poison gas tester, or operating a (make-believe) nuclear reactor, or, most respected of all, a job artificially inseminating camels.
Why would anyone want to live any place else?

Satan's spokesperson on Earth, George Bush, has said that he expects Iraq to be a shining example of freedom and democracy for other nation's in the middle east.... Excuse me for saying so, but I think that unlike his predecessor, Bush DID inhale.
The man--excuse me, I mean the fire-spewing beast from hell--is completely out of touch with reality. My fellow arabs are NOT interested in democracy. They would much rather be told what to think, and be told what is best for them, by people like me. And while I may be mistaken in my understanding of the word "democracy," isn't it about the wishes of the majority? Given the results of his own election, is that a can of worms that Bush wants to open?
Besides, Muslims around the world will not be interested in hearing about freedom as long as the infidels occupy an Arab country. Having military bases in Saudi Arabia and other Islamic lands is bad enough, but an entire COUNTRY?!? More fuel for the fire, I say.
Recruiting new followers for Al Qaeda is already easy enough. But if the US attacks and occupies Iraq, our Admissions offices will be like a Baskin Robbins on a hot summer evening. Potential recruits will have to take a number to sign up. This could be a problem, since most of my followers aren't bright enough to figure out how to use those little number dispensers.
In the meantime, we may have reevaluate some of our courses. The final exam in Suicide Bombing 101, for example, is a real killer.

Did you see me on 60 Minutes II? I thought I looked pretty spiffy in that suit. One of my wives helped me pick it out. I welcomed this opportunity to speak directly to the American people. I'm sure many of them were surprised to learn that I captured 100% of the vote when I was reelected last year. Granted, it wasn't easy to pull that off, and the piles of bodies behind the polling places did begin to stink after a couple of days, but I am nonetheless quite proud of this accomplishment. And, most importantly, it was a clean election, free of controversy, and devoid of any hanging chads.... Plenty of hanging dissidents, but that's neither here nor there at the moment.
No doubt I convinced many more of your influential Hollywood types to speak out against the war. I'm sure that the political opinions of such respected thinkers as Alec Baldwin and Adam Sandler carry great weight with the average American.
My proposal to debate Mr. Bush is entirely serious. I would take the position that Miller Lite tastes great. He, of course, would stupidly argue that it's less filling. We would go back and forth on this matter several times, and eventually end up mudwrestling in our underwear.
Indeed, this could be a model for the settling of future international conflicts not just between our two countries, but ALL the nations of the world.

I have been watching some show called American Infidel or something. What? Right, fine, American IDOL. It Really should be called American FALSE Idol. They do a lot of singing and dancing on there, and for that reason the whole bunch of them deserves to be tied the backs of camels and dragged through the desert as they scream for mercy. The infidels, I mean, NOT the camels. Singing and dancing and other such behaviors are a direct affront to Allah and can not be tolerated under any circumstances.
Even worse, most of the contestants on the program suck.
But what is the deal with this Simon Cowell? He sits in judgement on these unfortunate people like a pompous mule, offers his opinions as if they were worth something more than a pile of recycled goat droppings, and expects others to cower in his presence! Who does he think he is? ME?!?!
Most bizarre of all, he is British!!! What in the name of Mecca is he doing serving as a judge on a show called AMERICAN Idol? It makes no sense. What are his qualifications? Can he sing? I seriously doubt it, though I'm sure he can scream like a little girl if tortured. Can he do comedy routines? Again, I don't think so. So why is he passing judgement on others, and why is he so incredibly obnoxious?
If I ever get the opportunity, it will bring me great pleasure to s-l-o-w-l-y disembowel Simon Cowell and feed his insides, piece by piece, to the vultures. Then again, it wouldn't surprise me if even THEY found him repulsive.

What's the deal with these "human shields?" At first I thought it was some kind of scam, like that email the Nigerian guy keeps sending out asking for my Swiss bank account numbers. But now I'm told that these people are actually doing this for FREE?!?! I truly admire them for their principles, their courage, and yes, their stupidity.
I would join them, but I plan to get the hell out of here once the shooting starts.

Interesting article in the Washington Post (Yes, I subscribe. And though I move every day, the paper boy is always able to find me, even if the Great Satan's special forces troops with their night vision goggles can't) about how Saddam has lost credibility among most average Arabs. Basically, they feel he is a spineless weasel who sold out his Islamic principles a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.
But I digress.
I find this article--even if it does appear in an unholy zionist controlled evil mouthpiece of the US government--to be a vindication of what I have been saying for years: Saddam only invokes Allah's name when it suits his needs. He is much more interested in the gain of power simply for the sake of power. He gets off on it. It's a Freudian thing with him. Having all those weapons of mass destruction is merely compensation for his extraordinarily small penis (Um, I mean I've HEARD that it's small; It's not like I have any first hand experience with it).
And while I, too, crave power and horrible weapons, I desire them not for myself but for totally unselfish reasons: The wholesale slaughter of helpless, unarmed, innocent infidels, and the spreading of Allah's words. What could be more noble than that?
Plus, I enjoy blowing stuff up, but that's merely a fringe benefit.
The article goes on to quote Marwan Shukir, a shoe store owner in Jordan, as saying that I, not Saddam, am the one standing up to the imperialist forces of the west. Mr. Shukir's comments warm the cockles of my heart, or at least I think they do, since I have no idea what cockles are.
If it ever becomes possible for me to again show my face in public, I shall journey to Jordan and buy a new pair of shoes from this wise, insightful man.
Something comfortable, like maybe loafers.

What the....? This IS supposed to be MY blog, isn't it!?!??! Someone tell Saddam to get his own damn site....

That puppet of the United States, Hans Blix, has ordered me to destroy my Al Samoud 2 missiles because their range exceeds limits. Bummer. I really liked those things. We were almost ready to fit them with chemical warheads!
Um, I mean IF we had chemical warheads, which of course we don't, because I have respect out the wazoo for the UN and their illegal bullying tactics, THEN and only THEN would we have been ALMOST ready to fit them with our non-existent chemical warheads which we don't have. Got it?
Then again, Blix didn't say how we should destroy them. And if we were to launch them at a target, and they were to explode on impact, that would destroy them, right? Yes, that is a technicality, but I have been watching a lot of American legal dramas, so I know how to manipulate the system. And if I were to take out a second mortgage on one of my palaces, I could probably hire Johnnie Cochran to defend me. Hell, he got that other mad killer off, and that guy even had DNA evidence working against him.
I better go stock up on really small gloves.

I do not understand why so many people call me a monster. I am not a monster. I AM A MAN!!!! If you cut me, do I not bleed? If you drop a 5000 pound laser guided smartbomb on me, do I not blow up into a million pieces? If you speak ill of me, do I not feel depressed? I am so misunderstood by the world. Well, MOST of the world. At least the French like me... though maybe not as much as they like Jerry Lewis.
I must do something to improve the world's perception of me. But what? I shall ponder this as I eat my breakfast of fried babies.

I understand that British Prime Minister Tony is under increasing political pressure at home over his continued support for Bush's warmongering policies. This support shouldn't surprise anyone. After all, puppy dogs are well known for their fierce loyalty to their masters. But really, who cares about the British? They're inconsequential. They weren't even able to hold on to their empire, and yet they continue to believe they still matter in this world.
In that regard, they are much like the French: Arrogant and self-important, but ultimately unable to scare anyone. On the other hand, the Brits are a helluva a lot less annoying than the Frogs.
Bush, on the other hand DOES scare me. He's obviously obsessed with me. The man is practically stalking me!! Maybe I should go to the World Court and try to get a restraining order against him. On the other hand, the members of the World Court are almost as worthless as the French, so why bother?
My best hope is to hide behind Hans Blix. It will not be easy. I must appear to be cooperating with him. Yet, at the same time, I need to be careful to play hard to get.
Kind of reminds me of dating.....

Interesting choice the infidel Evan Marriott made on Joe Millionaire. Personally, I would have gone for the one with the cheerleader outfit and handcuffs.

As part of my ongoing effort to better understand my enemy, I just watched something called "The Simpsons." If this Homer is typical of the infidels, we have nothing to worry about.

There have been numerous demonstrations around the world on my behalf, and for this I am grateful. It is nice to be so loved, and to have one's work so appreciated. All too often, weapons of mass destruction get an undeservedly bad rap. Why, if it weren't for my pioneering research in the exciting field of botulinum toxins, botox treatments would never have been invented. Where would Susan Sarandon be THEN?!?!
I would also like to single out France and Germany for special recognition for their continued opposition to America's unjustified threat of war. I guess now I'll have to buy yet ANOTHER nuclear reactor from them. I've already got six of the damn things. Had to disassemble 'em & bury the parts in the desert, but at least we got 'em.
Anyway, such discord among the westerners only strengthens my own resolve to ride out the storm. And to think I was almost ready to accept Saudi Arabia's offer of asylum!!!! They were all set to give me a villa next door to Idi Amin.
I don't think I would have liked it, though. I've heard about Amin's loud parties, with the dancing girls, the strippers, the gambling, and the human sacrifices. Would've been very distracting.
I prefer silence when I'm playing with my home chemistry set.

Celebrated Valentine's Day with a lovely, romantic candlelit dinner. It was just the two of us, getting lost in the limpid pools of one another's eyes. I had fried rat, while the goat had the fresh hay.

Maybe I'm getting cynical in my old age (I'm almost 24; Given the life expectancy of the typical al Qaeda holy warrior, that's like Strom Thurmond old) but I can't help but notice that Osama is awfully quick to urge OTHERS commit suicide on behalf of Jihad.

I am getting reports from our sleeper cells in the United States of Satan that many of the infidels are on the verge of panic. They are stocking up on bottled water, plastic sheets, and something called duck tape in anticipation of a chemical or bioterror attack. What is "duck tape," anyway? I hear that no REAL man is ever without it, but I don't know what it is. Is it used to repair broken waterfowl?
As much as I would like to oblige the godless heathens, I have not been able to get any of the necessary material from Saddam for such an attack . He claims he can't risk moving weapons of mass destruction across the border because of the constant UN scrutiny, but I think it's because he's a selfish S.O.B.
Yassar Arafat once told me that even when they were growing up, Saddam refused to share his grenades with the other kids at the daycare center. And invoking the name of Allah doesn't seem to help a whole lot with him, either. He just rolls his eyes and says, "Yeah, sure, Allah. Whatever." Yet when it's balls to the wall for him like it is now, all of a sudden he's every Muslim's best friend.
What a weasel.

You're welcome.

I would like to thank Binny for his inspiring words to the citizens of Iraq. I must concede he is better at motivating people than I. If they believe some sort of reward is involved, people are much more likely to go out and fight on someone else's behalf. Me, I subscribe to the old school of management: Go out and die for me, or I will kill you.
It's like that old middle eastern saying, "You can attract more flies with a camel carcass than with vinegar."

I have heard that NASA (National Aeronautics and Satan Administration) is considering the possibility that a "foreign object" brought down their shuttle. This does not surprise me. I knew it was only a matter of time before they tried to pin the disaster on us innocent middle easterners.

I wonder how Melissa M. is doing after being rejected by Evan last week. Sometimes, while contemplating what new horrors to unleash upon the west, I find my mind wandering back to her image.
I know, of course, such a relationship would never work. She, a perky customer service representative, and I, a notorious international terrorist. Then again, does that necessarily need to stand between us? Can't we just put our backgrounds aside while we are together? As the Captain and Tennile once said, love will keep us together. And they wouldn't lie about such a thing.... At least not if they wish to keep their entrails intact.
Oh, who am I kidding? American women can be impossible to keep happy. All they ever want to do is cuddle and ask "So what are you thinking?"
"Well," I would say, "I'm trying to decide between a dirty bomb or bioterror." Not very romantic for them, though I certainly get off on that sort of thing.
Then they'll start complaining about the drapes in the cave not matching the bedspreads, or some such nonsense. Next comes the whining about the men putting their drinks on the furniture. I'm sorry, but holy warriors engaged in Jihad do not have time for coasters and doilies.
Goats are so much more low maintenance.....

WHAT!?!?! Do the infidels running Fox TV have any idea WHO they are toying with!?!?! I watched Joe Millionaire expecting Evan to reveal his final choice only to have the stupid butler come on and tell me his decision will be announced NEXT week!?!?! This is not right. I am so upset right now I can't even decide who to disembowel first....
Perhaps I'll start with that obnoxious butler. And after I'm done with him I'll help myself to the rest of his cognac.

Our plan to use suicide pigeons to unleash our next wave of terror upon Satan's disciples has been dealt a setback. Evidently the truck bombs were too heavy for the birds to lift. They just fluttered about helplessly until they were overcome by exhaustion. Then we ate them.
Lots of gristle, but still better than fried snow.

I've never cooked pigeon before. Should I have removed the feathers first?

Now I am truly troubled... Several of my henchmen explained to me that when President Bush said "the game is over" he did NOT really mean that the game is over. And even more confusing, there's apparently no actual game!!!
Huh?
I still don't fully understand what my underlings were telling me. What's a meta for, anyway? At any rate, I have ordered the Teamsters, Baghdad local # 2389, to keep driving our mobile laboratories around.
As for my minions, I shall tell them that I greatly appreciate their advice and always value their opinions. Then I will have the sorry SOB's executed for disagreeing with me.

I have just received word that the administration of the ruling representatives of Satan on Earth has raised its terror alert level to orange. Perhaps they have found out about our fiendish plot to unleash homing pigeons laden with explosives upon them. Our final plans are almost ready for testing.
Sometimes the vengeance of Allah travels on feathered wing.

What? NOW Bush tells the world it was all just a game!?! He had me so scared I was crapping my pants on a daily basis! Well, thank Allah it's all over and I can stop trying to hide all my toys from the UN inspectors. Constantly driving over pothole-riddled intertribe highways with a trunkful of nuclear warheads is NOT a whole lot of fun.
Guess I'll go wash that lumpy pile of shorts in the corner now.

Earlier today I watched a special documentary about Michael Jackson, a leading entertainer of the infidels. Did you happen to see it? People have the nerve to complain that I'M scary, yet they let this freakozoid wander freely among them!?! Gimme a break!!! I may have no qualms about sleeping with goats, but little BOYS!?! That's just plain sick.
Look, you have to understand that while I would gladly blow up an orphanage filled with six year olds, there is no way I'd sleep with them.
Allah would not approve of such behavior.